Easter morning cuss out - and a new path forward

Well, another Sunday, another morning cussing and screaming at me over something stupid. 

This time: he says he's going to rototill the entire back yard for a path. It's April in Oregon. It's muddy, it's nowhere near time to do anything especially as we have non-stop rain for at least another 3-4 weeks, plus, if you're going to rototill anything it's going to grow back in like 5 minutes unless you have the means to immediately do what needs to be done for a path. I say this, and I got cussed out for a solid 5 minutes about how I'm trying to control everything, that anyone else would jump for joy that their husband is going to do this stuff, etc. I didn't yell back, I just quietly stated that while I appreciate what he's thinking about the fact is that we would simply have to do the work over again later. 

He continued to yell at me, and I continued to quietly just stand there, finally I interrupted him and said "You can't cuss at me or yell at me. This is the last time you will ever yell at me or cuss me out. I am done. I want to separate."

We later talked more about it and I told him that while I am more than happy to entertain the thought of him changing his behavior for the better, that I am also not holding my breath. I have done everything I can to support him, and his continuing inability to recognize his own behavior as inappropriate, to take steps to change how he deals with things, his horrible anger issues, just EVERYTHING...I'm done. I can't allow other people to treat me like this.I can't look forward to the next 45+ years I'm on this earth God willing to deal with all of his issues. 

As per usual his usual tack during this quiet heart to heart was just to zone out. I asked him if he anything to say and he says like he always does "I don't know." I told him that I want to be as civil as possible, that I definitely don't think it's all him that's at fault, that I'm taking responsibility for my part in all of this. 

This is going to be a long process - it's not going to be overnight. We've been married for a long time and he is not able to support himself.  I told him that over the next 18 months (!!!!!!) he needs to move towards making himself more independent. Part of that will be me getting him on disability. He works 2-3 days a week at a comic book store (he gets most of his pay in trade), so he will need to figure something out.

I am sad but at the same time I'm hopeful that I can get my life back one day. I've sunk so much time and energy into "fixing" this man, and we all know how fruitful that can be. :) 

Another option, too

You should move forward as you see fit, but I also suggest that he talk with his doctor about the possibility of adding some medication to his repertoire if he doesn't have it already - and that is trying an anti-depressant such as Wellbutrin.  Wellbutrin is used off label to manage ADHD symptoms, but the bigger impact for many seems to be better control over spurts of anger and emotional lability.  It seems to allow a bit more 'thinking' space between impulse and action, as well as seems to calm one down overall.  Works on our household quite well.

Already tried that

He is on a small dose of medication for ADHD but the only way he would follow up with his therapist is for me to make the appointment. I refuse to do that. I've done that for too many years. I appreciate your comments, but I've literally tried everything in your book, suggested to me on these forums, etc. and nothing has ever worked because it's come from ME. He doesn't think he has a problem, he thinks it's everyone else that has the problem, and until he becomes aware of how much his behavior affects others there will be no change. I've spent 25 years doing everything I know how to do to help  him, and I have made zero progress and am stuck in a relationship with a man child that I'm trapped into supporting until I can get him on disability - and no, he can't do this himself, he's been telling me for years he's going to do it and nothing has happened. Unless I want to pay alimony for him, which I do not, I need to get him on disability and will be doing all the work for this myself. 

Again, appreciate your comments, but I can't keep banging my head on this wall. 

Blog post coming

Got it - I'm going to write a blog post on denial's damage some time this week that will be relevant for you.

Melissa

That sounds awesome

Looking forward to seeing that. I truly believe that his refusal to see his disabilities - I definitely count ADHD as a disability - is the core factor behind all of our troubles. Becoming more self-aware is part of growing and changing and there's just none of that in this relationship. I love him dearly but I have finally come to the point of realization that my efforts are in vain. 

What gives him the right?

My H also acts like this. He is not interested in help and thinks everyone else is wrong. I would just like to know what is it inside them that gives them permission to steam roll over others feelings and act like bullies. Why can't they have a back and forth conversation instead of preaching and overtalking?  Why are any normal suggestions taken as criticism?  Why can't we have difficult conversations without him losing his temper and escalating it into an argument? I have had unimaginably difficult conversations with other  family members that have resulted in changes and positive results.  I do not have any communication issues with other people,  my entire career was spent dealing with people. Why is he so difficult and then complains that no one is on his side!!??

Hi adhd32

You just exposed the results of most of our communications....

She: denial, defensive, blaming and never owning.......fight or flight.....

Me...pointing it out in frustration that leads to preaching and over talking....alas:(...I'm aware of it....And now when I feel the least bit of anxiety building in me concerning a behavior, I take myself by the throat!! LOL.

When the ability to communicate is not there...Don't try it!!!....LOL...

I'm learning!

C

 

When is it our turn?

We adjust and adjust to accommodate their disability and I say disability because to me my H is socially disabled. I find very little satisfaction in being the one always making allowances while H does what he wants whenever he wants without a thought of any consequences of his actions or the affect they have on the family. Yet I am not to ever mention any mistakes or alternate ideas because in his mind I am taking over. If I were actually taking over, the garage would be empty and the mess of a deck would be gone. So we don't have a partnership we have a foolish man who cannot listen without being defensive and a detached spouse. While he sits ruminating and reliving his past hurts from 40 years ago, I've moved on from trying to partner.  I don't think he wants one anyway, he just wants an audience to preach to and someone to feel superior to.

When is it our turn 32??

Today 32, today!...When we accept what is in front of us, at that point we will move on with our own lives and with a much healthier and peaceful mind....

Let's step outside your situation and mine a second and look back on them as the fly on the wall...Or better yet, lets just put ourselves in their shoes....What are they saying with their actions??

Is it this??... I'm just as offend by you wanting me to clean up the garage and deck as you are for wanting it cleaned up!....I like it just like it is...So keep your negative comments about my choice's of life style to yourself...Because, if you haven't noticed by my daily lifestyle, I'm happy and  I don't care what you think about it...I'm planning on living until I die w/ my stuff any where I decide to pile it, and that will always be who I am....If you don't like it and allow it to destroy you...That is your problem??

One day I quit bitching long enough to realize everything she does is who she is, same as me...And, she matters just as much as I do....And deserves love and acceptance just as much as I want it...So, I decided to carve out (boundaries) my little organized world in her messy one...(I still look over on her side of the bed from time to time and just shake my head, and I will help her hunt stuff from time to time, but, I accept it for what it is) 

**I just refuse to allow myself to continue to be miserable (emotionally distraught) being offended by another humans way of living** seeking change where there is none coming...And where there is probably very limited ability for it anyway..I will move on first...

Also I'm trying to not let her decisions effect me from owning my own responsibility in this life, and in this marriage...And I have no intentions of falling prey to being used or Co-dependent again...If that is what she want's then she will probably leave anyway...I'm learning to speck what I think is wisdom..Once, kindly, then I'm done with it......Then walk away....She will have to take it from there...If she chooses a different course and it turns out bad for her there is no bale out....

Story...She walked out side with her 9MM pistol a while back, (had our 26 year old son with her) we live in the county, so it's legal to shoot it, but, we have very close neighbors all around us....I told her before she when out the door...."I think that's a bad idea, and you shouldn't shoot around here"...I might as well been talking to the wall...So I hear them out there firing away....So the shooting stops and they come back in about 5 or 10 minutes later....So one our male neighbors came over and threatens to call the police (scared the small children who very close) and he must of gotten pretty nasty with them, according to her...Guess what she wanted from me?? Yep, she wanted me to go over to the neighbors and tell him off for speaking to her in a disrespectful way..."Desire to Control"...I just laughed....She will always do it her way....And I'm going to allow her to pay the price....We all can learn when we aren't enabled.....

C
 

Blessings

C

Between a Rock and a Hard Place....Redhead....

It's hard to have mutual respect for each others God appointed roles when as a man or women we don't step up and make them important ourselves! (take on the responsibility)...Some times all we are trying to do as husbands is find ways to be close (interact) to our wives (the workings of a man's mind)..His attempt to share information about what HE perceived as a good thing!...As husbands we are definitely not asking for permission...LOL...Now saying that; there is absolutely nothing wrong with agreement and common ground in these things that will effect us all...But, so many times if the first comments hit us as disrespectful then you just lost us....

So you would be right to say that you do bear some blame here (in my opinion) but, I can see why you are saying and doing the things you do (not saying it's right or i agree, but, I understand). The desire to fix another human being (especially one that you are married to) by pointing out their failures is fools Gold...LOL....And will always put us on some forum..LOL...

You should never be cussed or disrespected in that manor under no circumstances....Sorry you have had to deal with that....

We can shake up a whole bag of wrongs....And there will never be a right drop out when we empty it....

C

Kobayashi Maru.....C

Hey C....I came back to visit and see what's new?  Coming back with a fresh set of eyes after stepping back on moving in other directions, I can see not much has changed but I can also add a few things here that are now clear and easy for me to see?  I also want to address the things that Redhead, ADHD32 and Melissa has said, since it all involves the same thing as well?  Going right back to denial again but adding the word "Control" into the conversation?  "Control" is the operand word here?

My wife and I have been doing Okay up to a point..,..but just recently, the same familiar things came back around in that cycle again?  I have no control, of my wife when she "shifts" from a positive frame of mind, to a negative one?  As soon as she shifts and goes into the negative, all bets are off and the same things happen each time?  When she is in a positive frame of mind, she does pretty well in the over all sense, and she stops trying to "control" me as much...and does not take things quite so personally?  Taking things personally is really a problem, and when she goes into the negative frame of mind...then everything is personal to her and that is just not possible in reference to me?  I am only responsible for, what I am responsible for and when I read Redhead accounting of what happened with her recently getting "cussed out"...I now have become very familiar with what is actually happening when my wife does the exact same thing?

From the negative view, in that negative frame of mind, everything is "everyone else fault" and blame and fault laying start to emerge?  And in respect to what I said about responsibility?  When something is not your responsibility and you know it without question....but yet, you are getting beat over the head, chastised and cussed out relentlessly for something seemingly undisclosed and "non-specific" ...as in the...."I don't know" category?  It's got to be something, and there has to be a reason for this?

What happened recently really pointed this out to me, so in breif I will say that things were going along fairly well without incident, until I noticed my wife starting to focus intensely on work and working too much?  Her work, has not changed in what she has to do on a daily basis?  What changes with her as I pay note to this, is her ability to control how she feels and how things affect her.  That's what changes ...and the "lack of" control she feels, now starts turning outwards towards other people and by that I mean namely "me". LOL  And what happened in this one event, seemed to change everything literally in the course of a few hours?  She had been complaining more and more about not having any freinds of people to things with aside from me.  I have been extremely supportive in encouraging her to get out do things other people as means to manage this better so she doesn't feel so dependent on me to try and be ALL of that for her, which is really not mine to give?  I can't give her, what it not the thing she needs in other words when that thing is not in my possession in the first place under those circumstances?  I can replace, the healthy need to have other people and friends in her life to add to what is already there and that is just too much responsibility for me or anyone under the same set of circumstance?  So, I encourage her to get out more and fill her own needs, and not make me try and fill them for her?  How can I know, what she needs, if she can't even tell me what those are?  Yet, I can listen to what she says, and what she says is, she needs to get out and do this more ( with other people??? )  Okay then, what;s the problem? ( one might ask? )  The problem is, she has no control of getting what she needs or feels she doesn't for what ever this unknown "thing" is that she cannot tell me?  I have been really focused on getting her to be "specific and clear" and to be "explicit" in her demands, and "explicit" in what she wants?  What I get mostly is  ..."these things", "that" "this" "it" and all the above?  Her language is generalized, vague and non- specific.  There is nothing I can do, with "that thing"...when asked what "that things is"....she can't say?  I have no ability to even quess...what "that thing" is?  So I have no power to do anything about "that thing" until she tells me what "IT" is?  But,"that thing" as it appears clear to me, is she is feeling something and that something is a "need" . "What" that need is, is some kind of control...in order to "meet it"..what ever "it" is?  That much, is very clear to me, but I have no ability to give her what she can't tell me in the first place?  And I am not responsible for her feelings or needs, especially when she speaks in riddles and tries to make me guess for her?  No matter what I come up with, that guess will be wrong?  And when I fail to guess right, she starts getting upset with me?   That is the Kobayashi Maru" right there, and I have played that no win exercise enough times to know there is no winning, in a no win situation?  That is an excersise in futility, unless you are just a glutton for punishment?

The best defense or means I have available to me, is what I just said.  I can see this all clearly happening, and see her change in front of my eyes?  What triggered her this time was when she actually went out with her friends for the first time in a while ( with my full blessing and shoving her out the door in a good way for her benefit ) and she was all excited and nervous at the same time which was par for the course?  This was one of those times, where things were pretty clear and easy for me to see?  She left the house in a good mood, I was all encouraging and in a good frame of mind...then two hours later, she comes home drunk ( being driven home ) and walks in the door and downloads on me before I said a single word.  It went from postive, to negative and with no inhibitions there to stop her, I sat through almost 2 hours of her saying means and hurtful things in a barrage of negativity which clearly came from getting together with one of her freinds who is in a very negative frame of mind herself due to a number of things that are completely unrealted to me but had to do with her husband instead.  The two of them , as I heard every detail of the she said, and then I said, and then she said...as if, I was reliving the entire venting session that when on, but now I am a part of it?  Not only am I now a part of this vent download while I was in the room...1/2 of the things that are now being attributed to me were not mine in the first place?  She took all that negativity from her freind and her husband and now started applying it to me which was not only hurtful, but it had no connection between her husband..and now me?  It was like, she took all the negativity she heard, adopted it, and then transferred it on to me along with any other legitmate things she had to complain about all put into one big cuss out download session with me just sitting there listening to it and not saying anything?  I finally told her that it was fine if she needed to vent, but she should have vented it and then left it there and not share that venting with me?  All I was, was a punching bag and she came home and doing the old standard "kicking the dog" again?  Nothing that she said, was based on anything that I was doing or had been doing in recent times.  What "that thing" was, was her not having any control of herself, getting her own needs met, and blaming me for not making "IT" alright for her?  That's what "that" was, and "it" has everything to do with her ability to manage and control herself.  End of story?  But that's not what comes out of her mouth. What came out of her mouth, sounded very much like, what you experienced yourself  Redhead?  And at the time, I wasn't about to engage her in any of that at the time, but it really hurt my feelings and...she would not stop when I asked her to.  I ended it that with me just getting up, not saying a word and walking into a different room and shutting the door behind me?  The next day of course, she couldn't even remember any of what she said so that was a waste of time even bringing it up after that?  But that did nothing for how I felt now, and as it normally is, she has no concept of how that hurt me what so ever?  None, like "0"?

How this playeds out was, she stayed in that negative frame of mind, and started in with the usual distortions or what was happening, accusing me of things I didn't do...blah blah blah...nothing new there?  And I have no control of her, except, I do get to say something when it goes on for too long.  I gave her plenty of slack, and let that go for a week of this, but by the end of the week I finally did exactly what you did, when I finally had had enough of it?  My only mistake this time, was letting it go as long as I did and by the time I finally put my foot down, I was already angry and still carrying around that hurt from the initial download that she could remember.  What triggered me was painfully clear.  She started to repeat again ( for the 100th time ) what she had been repeating over and over and over...but couldn't remember that she had done it before or had already said it?  In her mind, she was saying it for the first time, each time she said it and I confirmed that part by asking which only upset her more?  The reality of the entire process from start to finish in the end, was her feeling more and more out of control and then transferring that on to me until I could not stand it any longer with no awareness or even memory of her part, as if it didn't happen?  And when I finally blew my lid in my effort to shut her down,  now that became just one more thing to add the list of what I was doing, to cause of all of this in her?

That, is the effect of denial as Melissa mentioned.  The denial, of what is wrong, and what she has no control of?  When she accuses me, of being controlling, and in my case, how I am supposedly "controlling her" is by not doing or intuiting the things that affect her negatively and "guessing" what each :"thing" ( "those things" ) that she will not say explicitly or specifically..."what those things" are?
 

I can only say this much, at this point in time about this.  Dong nothing, is not having any control of this for you.  Trying to fix or control him, will get you no where fast?  What is needed and the only thing in your power is "control" yourself.  And what I mean by control, is taking control of the situation, and doing something about "IT".....but for yourself only?  Taking "control" is not the same as "having control " of yourself.  Taking control, is a willful conscious act with :"intention"..specific to what is happening, at any given time?  If you have control, and take control of a situation and doing it successfully....you are in full control of yourself ....even with someone who is ":out of control" simply put?  How I "take control" is by taking initiative, being proactive and yes....putting my foot down when something is hurting me. It doesn't matter what she wants or needs or what ever her problem is at the time...her "lack of control' is not going to "take" my control of myself away from me..and if she tries to do that....then I have to take control of the situation and apply what ever I need to do, to maintain my own control for myself?  No control....will account for everything negative that happens.  Having control....will account for everything postive that happens in response to that?  Blowing my lid, and waiting too long, and allowing her to brow beat me for as long as I did, was me, failing to do this, and not taking the initiative sooner, which was my only mistake this time.  That was the only part that belonged to me, and I allowed her to do it, and then I took the bait, after her provoking me relentlessly for too long?  If I had stopped it sooner, I would not have lost control?  That part, was 100% on me.  The rest of it, all belonged to her and none of what she did, the words that came out of her mouth, and her behavior...belonged to me in any way shape or form?   As I started from the beginning here, I was being supportive and encouraging and was being a postive influence in all of this.  What I got for it, and what came out of that, was all on her?  That's not saying she does not have legitimate reason for the way she feels.....but when someone says "these things"...."that"...."this"....or "it" and cannot be explicit and specifica as to what "those " are?  I am only human, and I can only go off of what someone esle says? And if they can't say,  what "that is"......then "that" is not my probelm, only if allowing :"it" to be one for me, which I do have control of that much which comes from taking control and doing something about "it"...for me only...I'm not doing that...."for her"....at the end of the day.

In a nut shell,  "that" is what I have to do, to work around someone who cannot say what "it" or "that thing" is...in clear, and specific language, that anyone can understand?  In other words, it ain't your problem, unless you let it be one for you?  The only responsibility you have or not have, is taking control and not allowing someone to take control away from you?  Those two things....are in your power to control no matter what?  You may say you don't....but really you do.  What I have found more than anything when I think that, is I just haven't found the way to do it yet, at the time?    There you go, some things to think about?  I will be reading what Melissa has to say, but first I wanted to say what I have learned first before it's flavored  by anyone else?  I just got a big fat dose, of what happens when that happens in a negative way and I am fully aware of the consequences when you allow that to happen on the receiving end of it to be specific.  Denial is of course, at the source here for sure.

 

J

Very insightful

Really appreciate this detailed comment! You are so right  - we are in control of what affects us personally. I don't have to let him yell at me or berate me or cuss me out. I can simply walk away. I don't have to stand there and quietly take it - I can just walk away. Instead of shaking in my boots and getting  more and more anxious and fearful about what is happening, and allowing him to disrupt my peace and the peace of my children, I can simply disengage. 

I don't care if I "win points" with him, I haven't cared about that in a long time. And I don't care who is right or wrong. 

I am already taking steps to dissolve the relationship, but for my own piece of mind, I plan on doing this the next time he starts tearing into me for something or the other. I feel like I should give him a warning of some type - "Please don't yell at me or cuss at me, if you keep going I will end this conversation". He's incapable of having a discussion without resorting to yelling, he believes he's justified in doing this and even though multiple counselors and therapists have told him otherwise he does not agree. I've always just stood there and either quietly let him wind himself down, or yelled back - only done that maybe a handful of times. No matter what I do he will just scream at me, any sort of meaningful discussion is futile, I have zero input once he gets going, and  usually he also gets very physical as well - tears the house apart. We've had holes punched in walls, furniture broken, doors ripped off the hinges. I had to barricade the door against him once because he was so violent. 

I can't believe I've stayed this long. But I find great strength in the stories here and being able to talk about this to people who get it. I also refuse to look at this as wasted time. All of this has gone into making the person I am today and while I do regret putting this much time and effort into such a dead end, I am still young and have a lot of life left to live. 

One Thing I Have Come to Redhead

Just in your response, I hear you going though the same things I have and trying to get down to my own plan for myself.  I do hear you and you also have children, so you got that added responsibility to take on since, you children cannot do that for themselves.  I do understand this, and that is equally part of all the things you have to consider here?  I can reiterate some things I've read recently that only confirm what I know of myself.  You cannot make good decisions, in a negative frame of mind?  Distortions or when you start to thinking that "you know" what your H's is thinking is a slippery slope to go down and all of that is coming from his distorted reality or distorted thoughts which comes from negative thinking.  Without that present, his thoughts and yours might likely be different.  From a more spiritual sense as in you "spirit" that you hold and convey outwardly, is effected by this balance between positive thinking, and negatively thinking without getting any kind of religion involved here?  Just the simple biology of positive thinking to counter balance any negative thinking is the hard part which is just part of human nature I think?  You ultimately have to decide what to do for yourself and your kids no matter what as I said.  But for me especailly having ADHD, ( possibly not everyone in the same way ) I have to commit....I mean fully commit in a conscious effort and make a choice and be fully committed to it.  I think because of all the fluctuations and having to regulate myself so much, that if I don't have that committed goal in mind with a conscious decision behind me, my path or road will remain unclear and I cannot put my best and full efforts in that direction and it can be swayed by my moods or how I feel about something ( or someone ) at the time on any given day?

I guess what I am saying, in reference to what I see my wife doing ( and the untreated ADHD version in denial ) the difference with her and me, is not what I see happening with her?  I feel this all the time, and I feel it happening to me too?  I feel myself, going up and down, from positive to negative all the time?  I have to have something to anchor me on course, and that something is full commitment.  In that respect, there is no sitting on the fence.  All in...or all out....but first I have to make that decision, and then be fully committed to it?
And my focus right now is not whether I should be with her or leave and I have no plans to do so?  What I am fully committed to, is exactly what I said?  Having complete control of myself and everything I do, no matter what my wife does, positive or negative?  I cannot give credence to my wifes ( at times ) abusive behavior, but I'm not taking that on to myself, but it's still affecting me when she does this?  I have yet to say, I have made it to that place where I am in full control of myself, so until I can say that then I have more work to do and that is what I am committed to and that is the direction I am going?  If I try and take on different directions and start looking at the outcome or result before I work on the getting there and getting that kind of control, then I can't say I know what will happen, until I get there and have done what I am committed to?  The decision I have made is pretty clear at this point.  I can live with just about anything...except abusive behavior towards me.  That is the only hard line, that will not be tolerated.  And if I am not being abusive....but still holding onto the FACT...that my ADHD symptoms do have a negative affect on her and I commit myself to that much...then I am doing everything in my power to do my part..so not being abusive to me on her part...is not only reasonable of me to ask, but it also reasonable of me in my thinking, not to have to tolerate it?  If that is my only demand, and my only contingency of her, I don't think I am asking too much, and that will be the only thing that will cause me to want to leave or dissolve if I have to live with that, and her at the same time?  I have that solidly now in my mind and abusive behaviors in that kind a attacking, brow beating and chastizing way...is not the way to get ones needs met and its not the way to go about it under any circumstances.  Anyway, that's just the one thing I arrived at in my thinking.  Full commitment, with intention is the only way to go no matter which way you go?

 

J

This statement can clear up a lot for those who will accept it..

(But for me especially having ADHD, ( possibly not everyone in the same way ) I have to commit....I mean fully commit in a conscious effort and make a choice and be fully committed to it.  I think because of all the fluctuations and having to regulate myself so much, that if I don't have that committed goal in mind with a conscious decision behind me, my path or road will remain unclear and I cannot put my best and full efforts in that direction and it can be swayed by my moods or how I feel about something ( or someone ) at the time on any given day?)

It has taken me a long time to really grasp the full ramifications of how imperative it is that I stay aware of this truth you have stated here...It is never good for my wife and I to have conversations or attempt them when there is negative feelings already on the surface or unhealthy moods present (in either of us)...The only thing that comes out of those efforts is conflict or worse.

This is one of the pieces that make so many spouses feel so alone or even emotionally abandoned...Depending on the level of adhd and other things that distract us ( children, hobbies, TV's gaming, just putting our attention where it don't belong/nosy, etc..etc..). There can end up being no prioritized time for intimate sharing and relationship neutering and building.

Those who can (like yourself) SEE this and be wise enough to own it, has the best chance of success in their relationships...Awareness and the willingness to do the work can solve a lot of the worlds ills, and I've found it works that way in my life also...

C

 

 

For J J

Three things went on in that interaction:

One was DRUNK.  We have inhibition for a reason, alcohol loosens that up to our detriment.  Too much alcohol and you might end up pregnant; in a fist fight; or chewing out a husband who has been doing good stuff and (mostly) minding his p's and q's.

Second was PEERS:  There is a reason a mob is more likely to attack a defenseless person than an individual.  Mobs get riled up in ways individuals don't.  They feed on each other and distort one's normal thought patterns and experiences.  Your wife's friend took her own suffering and loaned it to your wife.  We can easily revise our memories when this happens, too.  Brining out little threads of 'bad' and obliterating the 'good.'

Third was VENTING:  Feels good in the moment, but makes the other person feel like crap.  And resentful.  Which is probably why you kept your distance for a week - and didn't push back sooner...instead, getting madder and madder.

She may or may not apologize to you - I hope she does.  A drunken rant is never something to be proud of.  Even if you think that there are areas of truth in that rant, it's best to serve up that information in a productive way.

Sorry you had to go through it.

I hear you friend....

Getting pinned to the wall is something only a spouse can do in the manner you documented here...Our love, and commitment also makes us vulnerable to them in ways we don't experience with other people...So when we experience their wrath and disrespect it is definitely hurtful!...Your comment I highlighted to Redhead say's it all though....(In my opinion)

( What is needed and the only thing in your power is "control" yourself.)

Character can't be purchased, and it can't be breed in...But the lack of it will surely be present in our interactions....

It's very good to hear from you!

C