Submitted by PoisonIvy on 04/05/2019.
My ex-husband was diagnosed at about age 53. Initially, he seemed enchanted by the diagnosis, but that dissipated. He seemed to like taking the medications; he was okay with talk therapy; he put very little effort into making behavior changes other than taking the medications. So I would say the diagnosis at best had a neutral effect and at worst, was negative. How about you? Feel free to respond whether you're a "non" or a person with ADHD. Thanks.
The diagnosis was helpful. I
Submitted by daizzebelle on
The diagnosis was helpful. I felt hopeful that treatment would help him function better. He does take medication, and it helps him focus and get stuff done at work. It doesn't help enough. It wears off by 3 pm. They tried out a smaller 2nd dose at 3 pm but quickly dropped it bc it was keeping him awake at night.
My main frustration though is that he has zero interest in sticking with doing the things his executive function coach prescribed for him. When he was doing those things consistently, he was less stressed and better organized. He had a system that was effective. It reminded him of what he needed to do and when to do it. He does not use the system any more and he forgets what he needs to get done. He misses deadlines constantly.
I would think that the negative consequences of not using the system (e.g. twice recently he had to pay a $125 late fee for not paying the rent on time) would motivate him to stick with it. But as he often tells me, his only reality is now. Right now. This moment. Nothing else exists. So once he has paid the late fee it is completely out of his mind and it's as if it never happened. Thus it does not provide any motivation for him to work on preventing another late rent fee (or a bank fee for overdrawing his account, a late fee on his credit card account, a higher interest rate on his credit card as a result of multiple late payments, etc etc etc) Today he got a ticket for having an expired car tag.
Our finances are separate. But when he racks up late fees, he runs out of money, gets anxious about it, complains to me, wants me to cough up "extra" money (that I don't have) so that he can pay his bills (his cell phone, his tuition payments.) Yes I can say no. But if I don't help him make ends meet, then his phone will be disconnected and it will be even more expensive to get it back in service. If he doesn't make his tuition payments, he can't finish his program which means he will be fired from his job and we will have no money to pay the rent and no health insurance. He may be fired even if he does finish the program. He has already been informed that they are holding his contract until he finishes the program bc he has not done enough work toward the requirements. I am frustrated and stressed.
Last year I told myself that I was not going to stress out anymore over his responsibilities...either he would get it done or he wouldn't and me being anxious about it had no effect on whether or not he got things done...all it did was make me miserable. I'm afraid that I can't help being anxious now, though, bc the deadline for him to complete all of his course requirements is fast approaching and he is not anywhere close to finished. He will be fired if he misses the deadline. If he is fired he will likely become very depressed and I will have to work 3 jobs again to pay the rent...like I did before when he was laid off from his job and stayed underemployed for 5 years. FIVE years. I can't go through that again. I am almost certainly leaving him when our lease is up next month.
it helps him focus
Submitted by repeat that please on
"He does take medication, and it helps him focus and get stuff done at work."
COOL!
"It doesn't help enough."
Check the dosage and the med itself. Maybe something else would work better/longer or depending on the med, the frequency could be changed.
"It wears off by 3 pm. They tried out a smaller 2nd dose at 3 pm but quickly dropped it bc it was keeping him awake at night."
Do they want him to be half a functioning adult from 3pm to 11pm? Is he taking an Extended Release version of whatever med he's on? Non ER Ritalin and Dextroamphetamine last about 4 hours.
Ask his doctor about "TITRATION"
January, Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, examined 279 adult patients, treating 141 of them with extended-release methylphenidate and the remaining 138 with a placebo. Through a process known as titration — until symptoms were reduced below a certain point or side effects became intolerable.
Of the group that took methylphenidate, 13.6 percent remained on the initial dose of 18 mg. at the end of the sixth week, while 23.1 percent had moved to 36 mg., 24.3 percent had increased to 54 mg., and 39.1 percent ended on 72 mg. Nearly half of the methylphenidate group — 45 percent — saw a full “remission” in symptoms (indicated by an AISRS score of 18 or less). Subjects taking methylphenidate also reported better quality of life, improved work productivity, and improved cognitive function compared to the placebo group.
Titration is common. It simply involves working over time to find the right meds, the correct dosages and the number of doses to take each day that best reduce the symptoms. Often, finding the correct "formula" isn't accomplished in one visit.
Seek organizations in your locality that specialize in ADHD treatment/education/counseling and read the best material you can find in your library, book store or online. We all have much to learn and to share. This entire field is in its infancy, (professionals have only recently determined that an entire class of ADHDers have the non-hyperactive type, not just females) but certainly adjusting and finding the best medical solutions plus counseling, coaching and educating ourselves are vital.
If your husband needed glasses to see at a distance, would it make sense to stop wearing them halfway through the day?
Does he like to win? What if you made a deal? Whoever expends the most money for expired tags or late fees, etc., takes the winner to Hawaii for vacation?
"Whoever spends the most takes the winner to Hawaii"
Submitted by daizzebelle on
Sounds awesome...I've never been to Hawaii. Plane tickets are not in our budget. Actually a vacation to anywhere is not in our budget. We don't take vacations unless I work extra hours to bring in enough money to pay for a weekend away at a cheap motel. It has to be within 2-3 hours driving distance as we don't have paid vacation days. I work the extra hours bc he is too tired to take on a 2nd job.
Yes, he has tried different meds (Ritalin, Concerta, Wellbutrin, Abilify, ) at varying dosages and he and his doctor have settled on Adderall XR. I have suggested that he take the Adderall at 8 am instead of 6 am so that it won't wear off until 5. He tried that but it didn't work for him. If he doesn't take it at 6 am he forgets to take it and then doesn't realize it until noon and by then he feels he has wasted half the day struggling through tasks at work, so he chooses to take it at 6 am every day. I suggested setting a reminder on his phone to take it at 8 am, but he wants to keep his phone on silent while at work. Another frustration for me bc sometimes I need to get in touch with him re: a change in schedule. But he is adamant that the phone -- even vibrating-- would be too much of an interruption. His work day is over at 3 so it isn't an issue for him that the Adderall has worn off by then. I'm the one who is affected, not him. After work he picks our youngest up from tutoring or from my mom's and they come home. She does homework. He is very tired and content to lie down and rest until I get home from work. I'd prefer that he take the Adderall at 8 am and come home with enough energy to go for a walk or start dinner. But he doesn't want to. So...??? Either I continue pushing him to change his mind or I accept that he is doing what works for him. Compromise would be nice but he thinks his way is working fine so why change it.
You are in hell
Submitted by repeat that please on
Sounds terrible, just awful. Whew.
If he took non-long-acting doses at 6,10 and 2, he could last until 6pm? If it concerns you, he needs to modify his attitudes and behavior. Does he appreciate the way he is more capable on Adderall or is it just a hassle?
If you added up what he throws away in a year due to mismanagement, and made him aware of it, would that motivate him to get his act together? What does get his juices flowing? As you probably know, co-morbidity is common with us. I just wonder if there are other issues pushing him around that need medical attention, you know?
Does he still have any of the qualities that drew you to him initially? Or, has he changed radically? Could he be depressed? Have you tried writing out your concerns and sharing them with him that way? Does he know how much you are hurting?
I feel for you and wish there was something I could do.
"Have you tried writing out
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
"Have you tried writing out your concerns and sharing them with him that way? Does he know how much you are hurting?" I know these questions were directed to another poster, but I will answer them for my own situation. Yes and yes. I tend to believe that my ex-husband was being sincere when he told me (orally or in writing, in response to my oral or written communications) that he knew how much I was hurting. I think he felt bad about how much I hurt. But feeling bad and knowing that he had ADHD and that the ADHD was probably related to some of my concerns were not sufficient to persuade him to do anything other than take meds and engage in traditional psychotherapy (i.e., where he talked about his unhappy childhood and about his bitchy wife). Those turned out to not be enough to lead to changes in his behavior or in his feelings about me and our relationship.
Poison ivy
Submitted by daizzebelle on
I think my husband does know that I am hurting and he does feel bad. After I express hurt and disappointment he does try to make it up to me ....typically the day after a painful discussion he will go see what needs to be done in the kitchen...he will empty the dishwasher or wipe down the counters. I do appreciate that...I appreciate both the help and the effort he is making to make me feel better. Even so, kitchen help is not what I want from him. Kitchen help means less work for me and I do appreciate that, but I would like for him to do things that make me feel special and important to him.
i have told him a zillion times what He could o that would make me feel special and important to him. For example, I would feel important to him If he remembered my birthday and our anniversary. He has the dates on his calendar but he still never remembers. I have asked him many many times over the years to figure out a way to remember to wish me a happy birthday or to remember that our anniversary is coming up, but he just.doesn't.remember. Ever. Even if I make the plans. One year for my birthday I planned dinner at the restaurant we went to for his birthday when we had first started dating. . He put it on his calendar. We talked about how much we liked eating there. We talked about what we would order for dinner. A couple of days before the dinner, he scheduled something else for the same night. When he didn't show up to pick me up for my birthday dinner, I called him and he said I forgot and I'm already doing x. I was really disappointed. He was apologetic. But I still felt unimportant.
I would feel special to him if he took the time to plan an evening for us to go out on a date. He is happy to go out but only if I make all the plans and arrangements...I decide when we will go, I decide what we are doing & where we're going and I arrange childcare. To me these things don't seem that hard to do but to him they are impossibly hard tasks that he can't even attempt. It is frustrating.
Thank you rpt, I so
Submitted by daizzebelle on
Thank you rpt, I so appreciate your kind words. Things are difficult for me but I am not in hell. Hell was being married to my ex who hurt me and our daughter. I left him when she was a baby and I am still coping with PTSD from years of abuse and years of him using the legal system (family court) to harass, threaten, and intimidate me. He has always and will always use our daughter as a pawn to try to cause me pain. After years of very dirty ugly financially and emotionally and mentally ruinous court battles, he succeeded in taking her away from me. He now has full legal custody and primary physical custody of her. A week after he won custody, he ran over her foot with his truck. He said it was an accident. There is nothing I can do unless I take him back to court. I am broke and so are my mom and stepdad who have spent thousands and thousands of dollars trying to protect her from him. But even if I had the money I feel certain it would be a waste of time and energy. The judge in our case initially decided that our daughter should live with me and I should have legal custody bc he said my ex was a liar and couldn't be trusted. I agree with that assessment 100%. However in the latest go round the same judge said he could tell that ex was a changed man. He said ex was no longer angry and controlling but was now humble and peaceful. Ex knows very well how to put on a good act and show you what you want to see. Ex loves to start battles with everyone, but especially me. He is relentless. It gives him a feeling of power over me and he loves to make it as unpleasant as he possibly can. It drains me.
So I am sad and frustrated with my husband but I am not in hell. My husband loves me and he loves our daughter. He is kind and caring. He loves his stepdaughter (my oldest) like his own. He makes me laugh. He is a wonderful lover. And yet he has limitations....as we all do, I certainly have my limitations. The question is can I accept his limitations and enjoy our life together. He will not change. He is 55 years old and he is entrenched in his way of coping. He is unwilling to go to couples counseling. We went to counseling twice. We saw 2 different counselors. Both times it was absolutely miserable. His perception was that I blamed him for everything. My perception was that we sat in silence for the majority of both sessions because he would not talk. So. What to do. Accept him as he is, be happy with the life we have, stop wishing he would do x or y. Leave him. I don't know. A lot of days I think to myself I can't take another minute of this crap and I am leaving him as soon as our lease is up. Then other days I truly enjoy his company, I appreciate his love for me and our daughters and I think maybe if I stop expecting things he is not capable of I will be more at peace and life can be enjoyable enough. I don't know. It is frustrating and it is wearing me out trying to decide what is best. The decision to leave my ex was simple. You hurt my child. I'm gone. I put some clothes in a garbage bag, put my baby in her car seat, and I drove away. It's more complicated this time.
Laugh or cry?
Submitted by daizzebelle on
He went to the DMV and got the sticker for the tag. Went the grocery store to pick up his Adderall. Lost the sticker at the grocery store.
that's the problem
Submitted by repeat that please on
You want to laugh and to cry being hooked up to one of us. We are always a paradox.
There are some really good
Submitted by repeat that please on
There are some really good videos on this site that deal with different issues.
I don't want to overdue it
Submitted by repeat that please on
I don't want to overdue it with my comments/thoughts/opinions. I have the "hyper-sensitivity to rejection syndrome", as well, I'm sure--never heard of it before, but it fits. So, it's a little hard to be comfortable sharing as much as I have on a personal level, especially. You could reject me and years ago that would devastate me. Today, it isn't so bad but it is still present in my life.
I feel it's important that I add what I can while I can, if it could help anyone tangled up in this Monster.
As many probably already know, addiction is very possible in ADHDers. There seems to be a cluster of disorders directly tied to a D2 receptor gene that is associated with/contributes to ADHD including narcolepsy, depression, addiction, irritable bowl syndrome, etc. We can become addicted to love, sex, romance, relationships, t.v. shows, caffeine, people, chemicals, thoughts, all kinds of activities, a l l kinds.
Someone receiving treatment for ADHD can become a more clever addict but no one, I believe, can breeze along, deeply addicted to anything, and benefit fully from a proper diagnosis and treatment for ADHD.
It is important to consider, IMO, as a probable contributing factor in the challenges SOs face.
The seminars Ms. Orlov offers are cutting edge, I believe. I'm not familiar with anyone doing the kind of comprehensive work she and her team are doing and I think many here would benefit greatly from attending them. They are designed to address the very real, the very tough, the very idiosyncratic dilemmas so common among those who get caught up with us.
Yes, Melissa's seminar is great
Submitted by daizzebelle on
We did the couple's seminar. It was helpful. But my husband did not have any interest in sticking with it. I was frustrated to say the least but I can't make him do anything....either he does it or he doesn't. Begging and pleading doesn't work...getting angry with him doesn't work...
I have to decide whether or not *I* can be happy enough in this relationship. He is not going to change.
I guess it's possible that he has an addiction he is hiding from me, but I don't think so. ADD is not the only issue for him. He is low energy and has low self confidence. He tends to get depressed often. He was taking Wellbutrin but decided it wasn't helping him and stopped taking it. I suggested talking to his doctor about trying a higher dose or a different antidepressant but he didn't want to. He doesn't sleep well. I suggested he talk to his Dr about a sleep eval and/or trying a CPAP. I have a friend who got a CPAP and she said it has changed her life. He doesn't want to. So. Again I have to decide what I am willing or not willing to do. I can't be in charge of his life. And I don't want to. I told him yesterday that I will not make decisions for him. It is very frustrating at times bc I think if I had a sleep problem I would *DO* something about it. Why doesn't he?? But that is the crux of it ...we are different. Either I live with it...or ?? Don't know. Have to decide soon. Lease is up in 7 weeks.
A CPAP can make a big
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
A CPAP can make a big difference. My Ex-husband had sleep apnea, got a CPAP machine, and rarely used it. When my MIL came over and my ex was snoring away in his chair while watching TV, he would stop breathing, then gasp and choke, wake himself up and start breathing normally again. My MIL took me aside and urged me to nag him about not wearing his CPAP, because she could tell he wasn't wearing it. I couldn't get him to do anything he didn't want to do. I refused to nag him about anything. His health was his responsibility. Sigh.
Yes, taking care of his health is up to him
Submitted by daizzebelle on
If I was tired all the time, not sleeping well, and my husband told me I was snoring and gasping for breath, I would make an appt to talk to my Dr. But that's me...Not him. Makes me sad bc even if he and I separate and divorce, his children want and need him around. Sigh.
RTP, not over doing it
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Repeat that phrase, you are not overdoing anything. Your comments and reveals have been particularly informative in a way we can't adequately express. I hope we here, aren't putting too many negatives on you, in revealing our own struggles. I do admire you for being so excited and learning about ADH D symptoms, and taking action. The people that do this are heros in my book.
We would like to see our own loved ones be as dedicated to change and learning as you. I am so sorry the first part of your life was so painful and hurtful from the fallout of a condition. But, it seems like you're doing many things to make it better. Love that. It also gives others hope, that yes, if you have ADHD, or even if you don't, your life can get better. Thanks. Dede
You are a sweetie!
Submitted by repeat that please on
Thanks for your kind words. Much appreciated.
When I was little, Dad used to be very impressed with me. "You have a very inquiring mind" he repeated frequently. I didn't know exactly what that meant, but I was thrilled. I longed to be a scholar like dad believed I could be. I longed to please him more than life. Compliments from him meant everything to me. I don't know why he forgot that so quickly when I fell apart in school. I honestly believed, as I sat there with my head bowed down on my desk, that an adult would come along and immediately help me with whatever it was that was interfering with my ability to do school work. Adults were intelligent and since I hadn't taken on the role of a devious, hostile cobra yet, I thought they would assist me so I could continue on as the fine student I had been up to third grade.
Becoming an evil snake in the eyes of my teachers and family was absolutely life forming for me and I soon realized I was no good and no rational adult would be willing to help me do anything. I became what they believed about me. Kids have a tendency to fulfill the roles assigned by the adults and peers in their lives.
ADHD is mysterious. It is a phenomenon that prevents us from paying attention consistently but not entirely. It also enables us to focus intensely at times. It is flat out denied by some in the medical community. It is handled somewhat like we who have it are treated--with doubts and an undermining presumption that it isn't really legitimate.
It is real and crippling and when corrected, life is amazing.