I made a new friendship and I'm genuinely unsure whether it should be considered an emotional affair or not - what's the line between emotional affair and new best friend?
I'm the ADHDer in my marriage. I don't make friends easily - to be more precise, I'm generally pretty good at being sociable with people (when social battery allows) but I really struggle to "convert people to friends" - a part of this is that I'll willingly socialise with people in pre-established contexts (work etc) but when it comes to actually asking people for their time, I always feel "not enough of a friend" to ask, or too much of a burden. So I mostly just socialise with people in various contexts and never really as "friends for the sake of friends". I have had friends over the years but they've mostly just fallen away as I've moved house, moved job etc, I find it hard to keep up with friends from previous contexts even if they meant a lot to me (this is all very ADHD/ND I realise - and knowing this kind of helps)
Anyway, this existence without close friends was the context in which my marriage existed for a long time, and it's hard. We've not been in a great place - we're still not in that good of a place, and when it's your whole social world the lows are especially low and the struggles with the effect of undiagnosed ADHD on our marriage wreacked havoc. We do love each other but, it got to the point where I'd just stopped trying - because it felt like effort just caused more arguments and that made them particularly hurt. I mostly just retreated into myself, played video games and took up a particularly bad habit as self medication (not how I understood it at the time, but looking back this makes sense) - I don't want to name the bad havbit but just for info it has nothing at all to do with infidelity (just clarifying because, that would colour this post a bit wouldn't it lol). In turn my partner did basically all the organising, all of the typical work a non ADHD spouse ends up forced to pick up, while getting little to no support from me. We were both pretty miserable. There were high points, but the overall tone was "this can't last" - and every so often I'd make a genuine attempt to change, but it only ended in frustration and me hiding away again
So anyway, last year I finally started taking my ADHD seriously again (long story there), part of the effect of which, was connecting with ADHD peer support groups, and my mind was blown when I suddenly started meeting people who actually understood how my brain works, because theirs does - and the shame. There are a bunch of people in these groups who I loosely consider friends, but there's one who I just hit it off with and we kind of both hyperfixated on each other as friends for a bit, to the point that now we consider each other best friends. There was a little while where my spouse was unaware of my new best friend, but it wasn't particularly long, and a lot of the reason for this wasn't that I considered it a "secret", more, my own social awkwardness made it really hard to talk about my new friend, particularly knowing the state our marriage was in. But I did have an absolute solid rule, that I was not going to meet 1:1 with this new friend (we actually knew each other at first via a facebook group) until i'd told my spouse about them. Making a new friend wasn't really something I'd intended to do and wasn't intending to keep it a secret, but IMO this would have crossed the line to inappropriate secrecy. So I told my spouse, and to this day I've never done anything with my friend that they didn't know about.
I'm confused and unsure because a lot of what the blog post on emotional affairs says, kind of sounds like my experience with my best friend. They're ridiculously easy to talk to and feel safe. I enjoy spending time with them and actively try to. I'd even say I love them but, in a way that feels like siblingship rather than romance or sexuality. They support me through hard times and I do the same back
But, the net effect on my marriage is I'm actually putting more effort in. I'm not running away from my spouse to spend time with my best friend. I've actually found it easier to keep the effort going rather than just give up and feel rubbish about myself, because I actually have friends now. I do make mistakes - occasionally I plan to do things with my best friend and leave it until the last moment to tell my spouse - but not because it's secret, because it feels hard to bring up. I'm an awkward person. My spouse doesn't suspect anything is going on that they don't know about (and there's not) but they do get jealous at how easily I get on with my best friend/the attention I give them despite the fact that I've genuinely been trying a lot more in our marriage too.
I don't know if this makes any sense. I've made the best friend I've made in years, the sort I think would have really helped in the early days of struggle in my marriage, and I really don't want to give that up
Yes it is....
Submitted by c ur self on
It's easy enough to fall into this trap for ADDer's and Non's, where the marriage is strained...What makes it an emotional affair is the secrecy...Married men and women have only the option of acquaintance's when it comes to the opposite sex...For it to be more (close friends) it would need to be mutually shared....Everything else is a slippery slope that usually don't end well...When another man or women is dominating the thoughts of a husband or wife, and your emotionally excited about making plans to be around them...That is a huge red flag....
Be wise...I suggest you put the same excitement into your spouse, work on being more in love /w her, involve yourself more in the mundane of life, she will respond!....But, that takes counting your blessings and being thankfulness...
blessings
c
Hmmmmmmm
Submitted by alphabetdave on
Here's where I struggle with this. The whole issue seems to be the fact that I've made a friendship with someone of the opposite sex - and don't get me wrong I do understand why, I've understood why the entire time and this is why my impulsiveness around this new friendship has always been tempered with a degree of caution - there was a while where my new friend was a "secret" (by "a while" I'm talking, less than a month) but I wasn't actively hiding it, I just hadn't told my spouse yet, but I did end up doing so as it was always my intention.
Ultimately it feels like basically all of the difference between "emotional affair" and "close friendship" lies in whether it's a same gender or opposite gender friendship, and much as I 100% understand the logic here, it doesn't feel fair. If I could easily make a close friend of the same gender as me I would have done - as mentioned, I don't make friends easily generally.
And I know that this is where I get a bit defensive - I take any kind of criticism of our friendship as "you're not allowed friends" and that's not what people mean at all but I can't really see how else to apply it to me
Re the last paragraph - I have been doing those things! My marriage isn't in a perfect place by any means but I've gone from "consistently absent" to "consistently trying". I have more energy to put into my marriage than I have in a long, long while and actually having a best friend has been the best thing to happen to me and my marriage for ages, it just feels a bit rubbish that no one would have any issue with it at all if just one fact (my friends gender) was reversed
Rules....
Submitted by c ur self on
Any time we make our own rules as we go, based on our thinking....Wisdom is out the window....We become our own god so to speak...Our conscience just becomes our mind's thought processes....I can be very wrong...We all can...A marriage is a covenant for life....It should be protected.....I said in me last post, you can't have close friends of the opposite sex...That is easily misinterpreted.... We can, But, it must be mutual w/ our spouse...In other words fully transparent...Any time a person, (me) seeks to defend (justify) my actions about being in unwise situations...When I should be doing the full time job of family life....I'm not wanting to hear honest opinions...I'm wanting to debate, or hear what I want to hear, to free me up to live unwisely...
c
The problem with rules
Submitted by alphabetdave on
Title sounds more provocative than my intention lol - rules are fine. The problem is that most rules are very much designed for non-ADHDers. They're perfectly good rules but as ADHDer trying to live by neurotypical standards, it's just profoundly dissatisfying in a way that's hard to explain - especially because for most of us, no one tells us that we've got ADHD for the longest time. We get to adulthood often times, just not able to fit into the mold everyone expects us to - or doing so at massive cost to ourselves, and not understanding why.
I'm not specifically talking about having a friend of the opposite sex here, just the more fundamental idea that "any time we make our own rules as we go, based on our thinking....wisdom is out the window". As ADHDers we have little choice - we're broken and for the longest time we don't understand why, and even when we have the label it's hard to explain to other people what it's like living with the inner chaos in a way they can relate to.
I mentioned in my OP that I had a bad coping mechanism but never specified what. It was shoplifting. This started when as a family we were particularly poor and I was out of work, and we were having to be careful what we bought, so one day out of sheer desperation I stole something. Can't even remember what - but this started a habit that went on for years and years. We got to the point that we weren't so poor any more but I still couldn't stop, and I didn't understand why. People found out, urged me to stop and I sincerely promised I would, and I genuinely wanted to, but it didn't stop. I thought the accountability would help, but I always just downplayed how bad the problem was or exaggerated how long it had been since I'd last stolen anything, because I was ashamed of how bad things actually were. It got to the point I blamed shoplifting for all my issues in life - my failing marriage, my bad performance at my job - I figured if I could just stop, I could finally work on improving myself.
I got caught a few times, but eventually I got caught in a big way - I was stopped on the way out of a shop near where I lived, and crucially, they did not tell me what to expect. I had no idea whether I was just banned from the shop or if I should expect the police to come knocking on my door - I spent months in a state of profound worry, but the upside of this is that it actually stopped me shoplifting - I was too scared to do it again, and this stopped me from doing it long enough that it genuinely just, isn't a problem any more (for 5 years next month)
What I did find out though is that the benefits of me stopping shoplifting were:
-I was no longer shoplifting
Seriously, that's it. And to be fair it's a big one. I absolutely hated that I was that person. But if anything, when I stopped everything else got harder, because I'd lost a massive regular dopamine fix. I discovered that shoplifting wasn't the source of any of my problems, just a really bad outlet for dealing with them.
Given that my first couple of paragraphs have a tone of "NT rules don't work for us though" I just want to clarify - "do not shoplift" is absolutely a rule worth sticking to lol, I'm not suggesting we abandon that. But there's a reason it became an addictive behaviour, and if I'd known that I was just craving dopamine at the time, I think I could have come up with a far better plan than just "let's stop shoplifting once and for all", like willpower was something I was going to magically summon up.
The thing is though, shoplifting made me feel like the absolute worst human I could possibly be. Sure I was seeing to my (dopamine) needs but at massive cost to my self worth and my ability to connect with others as my authentic whole self - there was always a chunk of me that I felt I had to hide away or downplay - and obviously I was also having a negative effect on the shops I was stealing from too. If you'd criticised me for shoplifting at that time - I might have denied it as a kneejerk shame response. I might have downplayed it. But if you managed to have a truly honest conversation with me somehow, I'd have admitted that I absolutely hated it - all I truly wanted was to be able to stop, to not be that person any more. I'd have had no issue with the criticism at all
I take more issue with being told I shouldn't have a close friend of the opposite sex because, it's another thing that massively helps me but, it's not something I can find any shame in. I don't deny it or hide it at all, from anyone. I don't downplay how much she means to me. I don't feel like I should have to hide it from people. It just helps to have a friend, and in particular it helps me to consistently keep trying in my marriage, because when things blow up in my face (mostly as a result of my own emotional dysregulation but, maybe this is another thing that's hard for non ADHDers to understand - having such hard to control emotions can sometimes leave the ADHDer feeling like they're walking on eggshells too because it's really hard to express emotions, particularly of hurt, without it turning into a massive argument that we never intended to have - and this isn't the non-ADHDer's fault whatsoever, it just can be hard on our end too. Please bear in mind though that I can't talk for every ADHDer - I'm not meaning to attribute innocence where there might have been genuine malice/abuse) anyway when things blow up in my face and my wife literally won't talk to me, I don't get quite so absorbed in all the self blame, and the feeling that all I do is ruin things.
I checked out of my marriage for the longest time because, it just felt like I didn't have a choice. Every time I made an effort to get better, it'd last a week or two or three, maybe more but at some point I'd just run out of steam. My wife would get hurt, and I would feel hurt at not being good enough. The only consistency I could manage was just to stop trying altogether - which wasn't fun for either of us but it was stability ("stability" propped up by bad coping mechanisms)
I'm going to stop here not because I feel like I've reached a conclusion but because I've run out of steam. Feel free to disagree with anything I've said here, my point isn't to correct you but just to try and express from an ADHD perspective
I wouldn't use the word affair
Submitted by shevrae on
People are absolutely allowed to have deep friendships with people of any gender or sexuality. Keeping your spouse in the loop is always a good idea. As the non-ADHD partner in a straight relationship, I have had that jealous feeling even if my partner is getting along easily with someone of the same sex, where there is zero risk of anything but friendship. The base of any romantic relationship is friendship and for many years my partner just wasn't a good friend to me. It hurt to see him enjoy friendships with others, while I felt like my children and I were ignored much of the time.
You say you are putting more effort into your marriage, and I really think that's the issue. You look at your marriage as effort, something you have to try at. Your friendship is fun and easy. Both things are probably true, but your spouse is definitely noticing the difference. Even if you are trying harder, you spouse may feel like someone else is getting your "best" and is probably resenting that if you have spent a long time in withdrawal mode and leaving them to manage all of the chores. They stood by you, carried the load, tried hard to be patient, and the thanks they get is you excited to spend time with someone else.
I'm not saying that's what you're doing, I'm saying that's how it may feel to your spouse.
You should have a conversation with your spouse and ask about the feelings of jealousy they have. Try not to get defensive. Your spouse is a person who has made a commitment to you and they deserved to be listened to well. The solution may be as simple as every time you make a plan with your friend, you take the initiative to do something fun and positive with your spouse as well - in addition to the work you are already doing in the marriage. Relationship researcher John Gottman talks about fun being really important in romantic relationships but also one of the first things to go when a relationship becomes strained. If your relationship has been strained for a while, you've both been missing fun and honestly it can be really awkward to start having fun again. But it might help your spouse feel like you enjoy time with them as much as with your friend and that would probably go a long way to getting rid of that jealous feeling.
This makes a lot of sense to me
Submitted by alphabetdave on
Thanks for this reply, what you've said here does make sense and is kind of exactly where my mind is at - so I probably do need to be careful of latching on to this reply just because I like it lol
But yeah, I 100% recognise that, a lot of the issue is that it's like I'm a different person with my friend. It's very fair to say that my friend gets "the best version of me", whereas my spouse gets the work in progress, having carried the grunt work in the marriage for such a long time. I think an important aspect of it for me as well is just - I get access to that version of me as well, for a long time I just had zero self esteem whatsoever because I didn't really have a context where I felt like anything other than a drain on people. And the key thing for me is, I'm not happy or satisfied with this difference between the version of me that each person gets- I want my spouse to get "the best version of me" too (but as a spouse rather than a friend) and when I say I've been putting effort in this has been at least part of it - for a while in fact I did have that exact system of "every time I make a friend plan, make a spouse plan too" so one effect is we have actually done more fun stuff recently (prompted by me anyway) than we have in a while
Also we've already had conversations about the jealousy - acknowledged everything said so far, I understand where they're coming from. I think you're right that it's a matter of making sure to prioritise my spouse and make plans with them, work on having more fun together. I'm also looking at getting my ADHD diagnosis again - I actually tried to do this several years ago but was told "your work and home life is high functioning" (!!!!! Neither of them were? but I didn't have the vocabulary to fight this) and thus denied a diagnosis, which tbh contributed to my withdrawal for a long while as it felt like being told "actually you're completely capable of being better than this, you just don't". Hopefully the combination of prioritising my spouse and actually treating my ADHD will help with this. We've recently read the book (ADHD effect on marriage) and related heavily to how it describes a marriage including undiagnosed ADHD - I just need to give it another listen and actually distill some action points rather than come away with "yeah it was good" lol