Wow! I just Googled "emotional manipulation". LOTS to find about this.
Other than also having ADD, this is what my H is: An emotional manipulator.
Does your partner diminish your feelings? Emotional manipulators are only concerned about their own needs and wants. If you try to have open and honest conversation about moments when you feel hurt or invalidated, you will be shut down with claims that you are being silly or overeating. ..... 'their calm demeanor and your heightened emotion or sensitivity may trick you into doubting yourself'. ....'You start wondering [whether] maybe they're right,...'An emotional manipulator will never apologize; instead, they will blame you and make you start to doubt your emotions. If you find yourself constantly asking yourself if you are overreacting or being too sensitive, it is time to move on.
Emotional manipulators turn your statements around and make you the problem.
They’ll say one thing and later assure you that they didn’t say it.
The manipulator will offer to help you, but then not follow through. It is either too hard or they forgot.
The manipulating person will set a negative emotional tone in a group and others feel compelled to make the manipulator feel better just to ease the tension.
Manipulators project blame onto other people or circumstances.
They may use active techniques like becoming angry, lying, intimidating, shouting, name-calling or other bullying tactics. Or they may use more passive methods like pouting, sulking, ignoring you, playing the victim, or giving you the silent treatment.
They don’t really feel guilty when they do something harmful, lie, show superficial charm, tend to be impulsive, and don’t take responsibility for their own actions.
This is a learning day for me. Now to find the way for myself in this life that I have lived my married life as the target of an emotional manipulator. I had been trying to love and understand him.
Emotional Manipulation addendum
Submitted by jennalemone on
I just am adding to the above post on how this affects me. My H puts out the personae of a humble clown....but I know that this is just an act. Not sure he even is aware himself..he has habituated this way of seeing himself. I had thought for decades that he had an ego problem and that I could help him by boosting his self confidence and we would bond and he would love me for that. I didn't know what the real dynamics were. Now I see that I was being more vulnerable than I knew and he had a defense/offense behavior set up for himself and was controlling me using my emotions....I was permitting him to control me to boost his ego (I thought boosting your husband's ego was a good thing but I sacrificed my integrity for that cause). Now that I am exerting my own power over how I feel and respond, he is using "the silent treatment", and a hateful, angry demeanor to "guilt" me into submission to pander to his mood. He cannot understand the idea that we both can feel empowered and gain as a partnership. He does not show vulnerability or an effort to communicate.
jenna, you've described me to a T
Submitted by dedelight4 on
This is pretty much the same dynamic between my husband and myself. He is the cool headed clown, and I'm the emotional one. His dismissive attitude of all my concerns and issues have helped bring me to where I am now. As Well as my helping to feed his ego. I thought I was doing the "right" thing by being supportive of him and "keeping him happy". It didn't work. He still is refusing to look at himself. I know he isscared and even terrified that if he actually starts looking at himself he's not going to like what he finds. I've tried to encourage him that with us bith finding about our own lives wecould become better people. (For ourselves and for each other) He is still just so scared and totally gives in to this fear. I've watched him allow fear to control other things in his life. But, I know he's still too afraid to face these fears. It's like fear totally consumes him, so he puts on this "false front of bravado" so he can show everyone else he's NOT afraid. But, it SHOWS.....and everyone can see it except him. I SO wish he could face this fear down. He would like himself so much more. It's sad, because I can't LIVE around his denial anymore, and still help myself.
Right there with you...
Submitted by Zapp10 on
What you just said commenting on Jennas post spoke volumes to me also. It is what drove me to remove myself physically....I needed to breathe.....I would not be where I am if I had stayed in the same living space. At the moment, I decide when I am around him.....or not. I cut him slack but I leave and go else where when he is so involved with ALL he has to do that I see frustration coming. I won't be a target anymore. I don't talk about ADD unless he brings it up and then I make sure to listen and keep my comments, thoughts brief. If he starts "you you youing me" I calmly(VERY hard at first) tell him this conversation is over for me. I have better things to do. I will NOT engage which is so hard to unlearn but I am getting there and it does change the dynamic for us. I am done doing what doesn't work. I have been 7 years at this at it's worse and I am wore out......I like the new me much better.
same here Zapp
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I have been working very had to stay calm and not allowing my husband to "engage"me in a back and forth, no win scenario. I told him, "I don't want us to have any more conversations that go, "But, you did this"....."Yea, but you did this". It gets no where, and I so want to have a "grown up" conversation. LOL
I've been reading everything I can about healing the emotions, relationships, and learning why I've made the choices I have. What made me.....ME? in other words. It feels so good just to be "out" of the chaotic environment. I am angry at myself for waiting so long to do this. What the hell was I waiting for? For him to finally realize something?........it never came, and it still hasn't for him, but I have to move on and stop staying stuck. I'm thinking my attitude towards myself should improve also.........it hasn't yet, but I'm working on it.
This describes me, not him
Submitted by Pestle on
You have diagnosed your SO with an additional disorder based on a Google search. You might as well diagnose me with it, too.
I'm sure you know your own relationship and are experiencing real, serious problems. I just think this particular list is an apt description of a shell-shocked spouse.