This week I am online learning by myself about emotional intelligence and maturity. MINE! It seems to me that when I was young, I had a youthful emotional maturity. I stood on solid ground. After living with H all these years, I see that I have bent myself to accommodate him and his ways and I had become emotionally immature too and a little crazy. I brought myself down to his level to not seem to act "superior or motherly or stodgy or 'better than' ". In other words, I was putting myself on his level. I tried fighting fire with fire. The drama. He would act like a 2 year old and I would react with emotional upheaval (like a 2 year old). We are right now in a course of him not talking to me again for 3 days, slamming things and hateful muttering to himself. When we cross paths, he glares and answers my questions with a snarl and one word answers. I don't know what is bothering him about me now. I used to live with fear or try to start a dialogue or get emotionally upset and verbal trying to "right" this uncomfortable dynamic. Nothing I did changed him. He was not able to grow with me but rather stands his ground like a 2 year old tyrant unable to say words.
I am trying to get back the emotional maturity I had when I was younger. I'm learning what that looks like again by going online and typing "emotional maturity" and "emotional intelligence". It feels lovely to get back to my old self. I am letting the chips fall where they may with my marriage and I am living life without the downward pull of H's immaturity and inability to share and discuss like an adult. I get to take charge of my thoughts and emotions. I don't have to cry or complain or feel like I am at the end of my rope. I can even let myself be vulnerable without losing myself. I am in charge of my head and my heart. I have to remind myself sometimes, so I come here to remember why it is that I must be diligent with my learning of emotional growth. I can't do this alone. I need to know I am not crazy or mean. I need to read your common situations and my own entries here and see myself and it helps to be reminded of what it looked like and felt like to descend to the toddler dictatorship that was.