Emptied our checking account AGAIN!

My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years and together for 12 years.  We have a 3 yr old and a 22 month old boys.  For years we didn't understand what has been happening with my husband, we just knew that he had these episodes where he'd go on binges drinking, gambling, and draining our account.  He'd be up for days on end and running until he was literally out of cash and alcohol.  He's facing sentencing now in his 4th DUI, though only the 3rd since the other fell off his record, and still with the threat of the next one being PRISON or him or someone else hurt or killed, it's still not enough.  He can't and won't stop.  His impulses are out of control.  I've talked to the drs.  I've researched and read anything and everything I can get my hands on as I was a 3rd yr law student before I had to drop out.  I had to leave because I couldn't keep up.  I worked full time, commuted 5.5 hrs a day and was in law school at night.  During that time my husband had multiple affairs but ultimately continued a serious relationship with a married woman who spent all their time convincing me I was crazy when I confronted them.  In the end after a year of this, it had taken it's toll on me and my education and I failed one of my final exams which ultimately made it so I had to drop out.  I couldn't move on.  Law school was all I had ever wanted in life.  But I didn't hold resentment towards him for it.  He ultimately confessed and recommitted himself to our marriage.  For a long time, things were somewhat better. Then we moved 500 miles away because truth be told he couldn't stay out of trouble where we were.  He kept ending up 20 miles away with all his childhood friends running around all night drinking and before I knew it, he had ended up back in bed with his ex-wife on several occasions.  I found out because my step kids, (all grown) informed me that their dad was at the house with their mom.  They came to my house out because they were angry and upset about it.  My step kids love me and respect me more than they do their mom or dad.  I was at my breaking point, but they begged me to please help him.  The first time, I told him to meet me at the lawyers office if he wanted to save our marriage otherwise I was filing for divorce.  He did....glitter on the side of his face and all.  That night we got back home, turned on the TV and Adult ADHD documentary came on.  My husband was in tears and I felt this overwhelming "thank god it has a name" feeling.  Knowing I wasn't crazy for not understanding how my husband could one minute be so loving, caring and supportive, to the next minute be running out the door while I'm sleeping with every penny we had.  I knew in my heart something was wrong and I was always told he must be bipolar....but I knew he wasn't.  He had the manic symptoms but nothing else fit!  Not long after watching the program, I got the phone call again, that my husband had spent the night with his ex-wife (a raging alcoholic who spends every night at the bar).  I took a deep breath, and with my step kids begging me again to help him, I literally drove to the ex-wife's house and picked up my husband one time.  That's when we packed up and moved away.   Didn't take long before things got worse.  He started medication but wasn't working.  He'd tell the dr all was great, but it wasn't.  He started demanding money or he wasn't coming home, risking my job (our only income) etc unless I sent him cash or gave him the ATM card.  We tried an "allowance" of sorts too, but nothing is ever enough.  our move came with a new job and I earned $150k in six months as a trial paralegal.  I busted my butt in trial after trial, with long 20-22 hr days.  We got a nanny too so that there wasn't so much on him while I was working....still not enough.  It got worse.  He was drinking behind my back, not eating, slurring on his aderall and refusing to admit there was a problem other than my controlling self.  one night he texted me 5 hrs later after not returning from the store to tell me he was in a limo on his way to Charlie Sheen's house to party.  The next week, same trip to the store resulted in 8 hrs later hearing how he was with a church group helping people on Skid Row and that he was bringing a nice couple home to stay the weekend in our RV.  I flipped!  He had outstanding warrants (from not finishing DUI classes and anger management classes for DV with ex-wife) and I threatened for the first time to turn him in if he brought anyone to our home.  He dropped them off at the beach and told me how disappointed he was in me as that was not god's way.  We're not religious people.  We've never stepped foot in a church other than as children.  He had somehow been pulled over three times that week and let go despite not having a valid license and warrants (despite cleaning everything up two years ago), and that's even that scare STILL wouldn't make him snap out of this.  That's when I knew there was a very serious problem.  Unable to convince him to talk to his dr about his medication, or able to convince him to slowly taper off of it because something clearly was not working, I flushed it down the toilet out of sheer anger.  About three weeks later, I got called by the nanny that my husband and his ex-wife's son (23) just left in the jeep and were going camping?  WHAT??  It's Wednesday and WHAT?????  The next day I get the apologetic I'm sorry, I'm an idiot, I'm packing up and will be home in the morning calls.  By morning, I got the call from the bail bondsmen as my husband was arrested AGAIN and this time for one hell of a mess.  Low and behold, his ex-wife and her boyfriend drove 5 hours to come party with hubby and stepson.  I had to leave work and go pick up my three vehicles out of impound costing thousands.  I lost my nanny and I lost my job over this one. 

He got home, we talked, I was supportive again and doing all I could to find a new job and help us.  My husband got three jobs and lost them all.  I went home for my dying grandmother for a weekend, and the first night I'm gone, my husband got our truck impounded by letting someone else drive who got a DUI, and since he did that, he decided to pry open my safe (where I had kept our cash from selling the last thing we had to sell, everything we had left to live on) and cleaned it out.  He went down still drunk and bought a new car evidently because he "had to get to work".  He never went to work.  He had a house full of homeless people he met at the beach all at our house and the story goes on and on and on.  I thought then, I had hit my wall.  I told him again...shape up or get out. 

He sincerely looked for help.  No job, no benefits, no help.  Even the county refused to treat his ADHD.  So we struggled on....I got us enough money to get in to his last dr so only he old co-pay and get him back on a different medication.  Worked great...for about two weeks...now we are right back to same old insanity.  He's back to calling me every nasty name in the book when he's mad.  His outbursts are insane.  He tells me he's going to the store, or walking around thinking or pulled over to use his phone, but GPS shows him an hour away playing poker with the little money he either strong armed me for or hid from me all week until he had the chance to run out.   (mind you I put he GPS on his phone under his instruction and literally to help ease my fears when he stops answering my phone calls or texts for days, that he is at least alive and not over a cliff somewhere (we live in the costal cliff areas)).  Money is tight right now as we're trying to keep above water and dig out of the mess losing my job got us into.  The car lot refused to cancel the contract he bought unmedicated and drunk, so I know am struggling with $1200 a month in car payments on top of trying to get them all out of repo status, and looking fighting an eviction that was initiated originally when my husband put all our rent money on the poker table when I got that last check.  Sad thing is he's a great player, always wins, but never walks away until it's all gone.  So anytime he leaves the house, I know that whatever cash he has, will not make it home.  It's gone.  

Last night was what I feel is the absolute sickest thing he's ever done to me.  He called me at work to ask me if I wanted to meet him and the boys at the pier and we could walk around, have a burger and fries...nothing special but a nice change of pace and might be fun for the boys.  I did.  Not wanting to carry my purse around the SM Pier or wanting to leave my wallet in the stroller I made a HUGE MISTAKE.  I asked him to hold the ATM card and some cash for me since I didn't have pockets.  I figured since we were all together everything would be fine, my only fear was an argument when we got back to the car to get the card back.  Didn't even get the chance.  The boys and I were finishing our meal and my husband excused himself to the bathroom (for what was the second time in an hour) telling us he'd only be a minute.  I got that sinking feeling after a few minutes that I was stranded.  I put the boys in the stroller and waited around another 20 mins pacing, freaking out that I had no car keys, no wallet, no cell phone, no money.  I had two toddlers at night on the pier, and I had nothing.  We have no friends and no family for 500 miles.  I was 100% alone.  Eventually I walked as fast as I could back to the car to find he had left.  he put my keys and phone back in the trunk leaving it unlocked for me, but not only did he empty our bank account, but he took even the last $1 I had in my wallet.  My son asked me for juice, and with that being in the other car, I went through my purse, got a bottle of water I luckily had from work that day, and gave it to him, I decided right then, that I had finally had enough.

This morning he stumbled in at 4:00 when he knows I leave at 6:30 and the boys are up by 7.  I woke him up at 6:30 in the spare room because god forbid he be confronted about what he did, to give him his medication because at least it helps wake him up.  I wanted to see if he was sober enough to watch the kids.  I couldn't afford another nanny anymore.  He isn't working, and I have no one else to help.  I asked him to go sleep downstairs.  I was angry of course, but at this point I don't even care to hear myself ask him to please stop hurting us.  His anger turned to rage after a short while of me trying to convince him to please go downstairs so he could hear the kids when they got up, and he hi and kicked the walls until he broke his toes.  I left the room as soon as he started exploding as the profanity that he threw through the air all directed at me and anything he could think to say to hurt me.  I stayed calm and still a fight continued.  At this point I have no idea how I'm going to get to work on Monday.  None.  I have enough gas to make it til then, but after that, I'm screwed.  Milk...we have a few gallons for the boys now luckily, but after that I'm screwed.  I'm beside myself right now with anger and hatred.  By text this afternoon he told me he didn't plan it and it just happened.  He was upset that his older girls were coming to visit and it was the 22 yr old's birthday and we didn't have money to do anything, so he thought he'd make the money in poker.  I'm so disgusted I honestly want to through up.

One of the Drs we've spoke to told me if I leave, he will self destruct for sure.  Which I believe to be true, but I cannot do this anymore.  I am so unorganized from having to juggle everything, handle everything, and hide money and my wallet all over in different places that I can't keep track of anything.  I went through my purse this morning and did find $25 total that he somehow missed because it was loose in my stuff wrapped up in receipts etc.  I've slept with it in my bra and it's still there.  It honestly felt like gold to me when I found it because I thought...."I could have a death in the family, maybe miss a few days (as my grandmother had been sick) and this is milk and juice money for the boys...I might be able to make it without getting fired."  I've reached my breaking point.  There is years of stories as rough as this, but so sit there last night with my 3 yr old asking "where's daddy?" was my breaking point.  I don't want them hearing him call me the names he calls me (which is new this year by the way) and terrified that if Daddy leaves their sight, he may not come back.  My husband is still in that self hatred embarrassed, maybe still drunk, "it's your fault.  I need space" mentality that I just can't even speak to him through text.  Which is by the way been the best way since he hates confrontation, text has proven to be easier for him to communicate his feelings through....so I do it.  Today, I'm a *&%# and a controlling witch and I just quit.  My 3-yr old is suffering and screams every time we raise our voices.  i can't take this anymore.  Originally I was waiting till he went to jail (in Jan I believe) but I don't know if I can even stand the sight of him anymore.  I'm beyond angry and hurt and I'm disgusted by him.  I know he needs help, but I cannot save him, and I have to learn to understand and accept that really.  I keep trying to keep us all together as the boys have only known him since birth and I always had to go right back to work, but I can't keep things together anymore.  I have lost none of my baby weight and am now 50 lbs overweight.  I eat like crap and then starve myself.  I know I'm losing it, so then I pull it all back together and try harder, but this stress has every calorie I eat glued to my hips!  I am miserable with the way I look, and he recently has let me know that I'm now "fat".  I honestly am at my wits end with him.  I contacted his dr several times on my own and just let him know what was going on so maybe it could help shed some light on how to help him with his anger and impulse control better, but the idiot dr just texts my husband to find out if everything ok and I'm just overreacting.  My husband has been telling everyone, "my poor wife.  I've caused her so much pain and hurt.  She needs to talk to someone.  I'm worried about her."  I want to rip my hair out!!!  I've tried everything!  Literally everything.  I've read every book, every YouTube video, every documentary, every webinar, every article I can get my hands on re ADHD and ADHD/relationships.  I'm in law, I research....it's what I do.  I've tried everything.  What friends I have left (all 500 miles away) think I'm either a saint, or just as crazy as him.  I am literally left with wanting out, and it breaks my heart because I know my husband is still in there somewhere.  But I quit.  I just can't leave today...........I have to go home.  Which by the way is the reason I wanted to be a lawyer.  My mother and father had a bad relationship, but my mom had no job and only a high school diploma in a small town.  She couldn't financially leave, so even though their relationship made a complete 180, I promised myself at 8 years old that I would never allow myself to be dependent on a man and get stuck in a bad relationship.  Here I am now, two BA degrees and two completed years of law school, making six figures, and I don't have a pot to pee in, or anything left to sell.  He spent everything.  I honestly think it's time to give up.  I know in my heart he'll end up hurting himself or in prison if I leave because we are his world and all he had left, but I don't know what more to do.

Sorry so long.  After 12 years...I think I finally am hitting the wall.

Please.  Leave your husband

Please.  Leave your husband immediately.  I fear for your safety and for the safety of your children.

I have to I know.  I have

I have to I know.  I have battled so much guilt feeling like I made things worse by seeking help for him as it's gotten 10x worse in the last year....but I know it's not my fault.  I know I'm not to blame.  My boys are so crazy about their father, and I wanted so much not to break our family or tarnish their image of their dad.  I have felt like it was my vows and my responsibility to care for him since I know he's sick.  He's in bad shape for sure.  I can't pull him out of this and stress makes it worse, yet he isn't patient enough to let me pull us out of our financial mess before he makes everything worse again.  I felt like the boys would hate me later if I gave up on their dad when I knew he needed help.  I've honestly been struggling so long with this moral loyalty I feel, that I long ago accepted that he will never be "normal" to me.  Apologies with flowers?  NEVER!  I have gotten flowers 3 times total in 12 years.  Never as am I'm sorry and even when it meant his spending sprees left me with no Christmas gifts, birthday gifts or anniversary gifts.  Trust me when I say that I have gotten three gifts in 12 years worth more than $20 because he typically spent everything right before any holiday.  I have cherished everything he ever bought me as if it it were made from gold because I appreciated it that much.  It makes me cry to say that out loud.  Knowing he remembered me enough to save money from his spending binges to get me something, anything, meant the world to me...that's truly sad.  I accepted all the frustration that comes with his symptoms and the years of not being medicated and undiagnosed.  I accepted and took on all the extra house hold duties and didn't lash out.  I tried always to be sensitive to his feelings of worthliness and disappointment with his life...even encouraging him to go back to work, play poker again for a living with no drinking,....anything to help his self esteem.  Nothing worked.  I didn't go in this thinking medication would solve it all...I read enough to know that while it can help, it will not solve all the problems.  I have always accepted my share of responsibility in re to communication break downs, parent/child roles in our marriage, even so much as took some responsibility in the affairs as I felt like I wasn't available enough.  Was never sorry for being gone or working so hard, but understood both sides, and took my share of responsibility in understanding how it could happen when someone feels "neglected".  Always been unselfish....and when I did, It always back fires on me.  I just am in fear theres more wrong with him than we know and it's getting to a point where he may snap.  I'm looking for a new place now and trying to hide enough money to move out without him destroying the very last of everything we own or running off with the boys because thinks I'll keep them from him like his first wife.  (Who still to this day refuses to let her 18 yr old see her dad unless we pay her hundreds - seriously a sick twisted mess).  I didn't grow up this way.  It's all nuts to me.  But his family is full of drugs and no jobs or education.  He is so smart and loving and sweet, until he hears the words "No" or "We can't afford it".  I know it's time to face it.  My heart just hurts for my boys because I know their dad is going to fall apart the day he realizes I finally left him. 

You sound like a wonderful

You sound like a wonderful person.  YOU are NOT the one who let it get so bad. Your husband was the one.  

I thank you very much for

I thank you very much for your words and time.  I know I've written too much today, but evidently my heart needed to pour out.  Thank you.

I Know It Hurts, But It Will Hurt More If You Stay

Your story makes mine seem rosy.  I ache for you and your pain.  Know this: Know that if you stay with your husband, your sons will grow to be teenagers who detest him and are angry at you for letting him do what he does to you AND THEM.  Yes, he is causing them pain.  I have a teenage boy who is very angry at his ADD dad for not being there for him, for never following through, for cheating on me, for spending our money so there is none for them--but NOT to the horrible extent you are going through.  It's too much.  Your devotion to your husband for your boys sake and because of the pain you experience when you imagine the pain he will be in (how he will fall apart) when you leave him is an illusion.  Yes.  The truth is that if you leave him (and I know that the logistics are difficult), your sons will end up happier.  They will.  And you know what?  Your husband will find someone else to leech off.  He will.  The illusion is that you are keeping him alive and keeping the boys happy by keeping him in their lives.  But do you see that your husband's main focus has been his survival?  He leaves his wife and little boys stranded with nothing?  He steals from his little family for HIMSELF.  He will not die in a puddle when you are not there.  And EVEN if he did, it wouldn't be your fault.  Did you hear that?  Why do you think that your life and the life of your boys are worth less than his?  That is how you are acting.  

I know the pain that leaving the one you love can cause.  I know that when you see him being sweet or crumbling at the thought of you leaving pulls you in.  But guess what?  He is only afraid of losing what you give him: money and an easy ride.  I'm sorry if that hurts.  I am sure there are tender moments where it all seems like it will work.  But what he has done to you over and over again--sex with an ex-wife, money, etc., etc., is not only too much too bear, it is not going to stop.  And when your sons are older, like mine, they will not be smiling at their dad when he walks in the door and lights up the room.  They will get up from the couch in disgust and try to to deal with their great pain, the man who is supposed to be their role-model and protector, and internalize it, not do well in school, possibly do drugs, etc., etc.  My brilliant and beautiful son should be shining in the sun, surrounded by friends and activities.  But he isn't because his ADD dad never followed through, cheated on me, lost his job, and disappointed the family.  

I have to post this w/o proofreading or finishing.  In a sudden hurry!  Sorry for typos. Will return.

Get out of there ASAP.

Get out of there ASAP. Please. He may not be hitting you but his behavior is abuse. His behavior is morally repugnant. My heart hurts after reading your story. This man does not deserve you or your precious children. He needs a mental ward, not your willingness to let him run you over, take your money, or call you names. If you can, line up a job somewhere else. If there is somewhere that you have people who will support you, go there. File for a formal separation, so he can't get to your money legally. You know the drill.

Go open a bank account in your own name and put the money there. If you have to, hide the ATM card at work if there is a place. If you can't do that, buy a safety deposit box. Don't leave the money or access to the money anywhere he can get to it. He's practiced in deception and will probably figure it out.

Get on your feet and go back to law school. You DESERVE to get your law degree and to make a difference.

He may self-destruct without you, but it isn't your fault. You may NEED to self-destruct so he can finally understand the magnitude of his choices. While there is money, someone to bail him out and do for him, he will NEVER understand. You can place a bet on that.

Keep us updated and best of luck to you.

sinking ship

This man is a sinking ship, and if you don't get out he's going to take you and the kids with him.  He is not going to change. Leave him so you and your children can have a good life.  It is not your fault.  You can not save him.  

I agree...

His behavior is not your fault but it IS your responsibility to keep your children (and yourself) safe. 

Please consider the families of those he will kill while driving drunk.  (it is only a matter of time).  He's got outstanding warrants?  4 DUIs? (And WHY ON EARTH do they 'fall off' the record???)  and he's still driving? 

Think of all the people, right at this second, who cannot watch their son/daughter get married, graduate high school, take a first step, sing the alphabet song, etc. because of a drunk driver who COULD have been taken off the road.

I have ADHD, and I know a lot of ADDers are alcoholics but this man seems to have more going on than just ADD, and needs to be in rehab or prison.