My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years and together for 12 years. We have a 3 yr old and a 22 month old boys. For years we didn't understand what has been happening with my husband, we just knew that he had these episodes where he'd go on binges drinking, gambling, and draining our account. He'd be up for days on end and running until he was literally out of cash and alcohol. He's facing sentencing now in his 4th DUI, though only the 3rd since the other fell off his record, and still with the threat of the next one being PRISON or him or someone else hurt or killed, it's still not enough. He can't and won't stop. His impulses are out of control. I've talked to the drs. I've researched and read anything and everything I can get my hands on as I was a 3rd yr law student before I had to drop out. I had to leave because I couldn't keep up. I worked full time, commuted 5.5 hrs a day and was in law school at night. During that time my husband had multiple affairs but ultimately continued a serious relationship with a married woman who spent all their time convincing me I was crazy when I confronted them. In the end after a year of this, it had taken it's toll on me and my education and I failed one of my final exams which ultimately made it so I had to drop out. I couldn't move on. Law school was all I had ever wanted in life. But I didn't hold resentment towards him for it. He ultimately confessed and recommitted himself to our marriage. For a long time, things were somewhat better. Then we moved 500 miles away because truth be told he couldn't stay out of trouble where we were. He kept ending up 20 miles away with all his childhood friends running around all night drinking and before I knew it, he had ended up back in bed with his ex-wife on several occasions. I found out because my step kids, (all grown) informed me that their dad was at the house with their mom. They came to my house out because they were angry and upset about it. My step kids love me and respect me more than they do their mom or dad. I was at my breaking point, but they begged me to please help him. The first time, I told him to meet me at the lawyers office if he wanted to save our marriage otherwise I was filing for divorce. He did....glitter on the side of his face and all. That night we got back home, turned on the TV and Adult ADHD documentary came on. My husband was in tears and I felt this overwhelming "thank god it has a name" feeling. Knowing I wasn't crazy for not understanding how my husband could one minute be so loving, caring and supportive, to the next minute be running out the door while I'm sleeping with every penny we had. I knew in my heart something was wrong and I was always told he must be bipolar....but I knew he wasn't. He had the manic symptoms but nothing else fit! Not long after watching the program, I got the phone call again, that my husband had spent the night with his ex-wife (a raging alcoholic who spends every night at the bar). I took a deep breath, and with my step kids begging me again to help him, I literally drove to the ex-wife's house and picked up my husband one time. That's when we packed up and moved away. Didn't take long before things got worse. He started medication but wasn't working. He'd tell the dr all was great, but it wasn't. He started demanding money or he wasn't coming home, risking my job (our only income) etc unless I sent him cash or gave him the ATM card. We tried an "allowance" of sorts too, but nothing is ever enough. our move came with a new job and I earned $150k in six months as a trial paralegal. I busted my butt in trial after trial, with long 20-22 hr days. We got a nanny too so that there wasn't so much on him while I was working....still not enough. It got worse. He was drinking behind my back, not eating, slurring on his aderall and refusing to admit there was a problem other than my controlling self. one night he texted me 5 hrs later after not returning from the store to tell me he was in a limo on his way to Charlie Sheen's house to party. The next week, same trip to the store resulted in 8 hrs later hearing how he was with a church group helping people on Skid Row and that he was bringing a nice couple home to stay the weekend in our RV. I flipped! He had outstanding warrants (from not finishing DUI classes and anger management classes for DV with ex-wife) and I threatened for the first time to turn him in if he brought anyone to our home. He dropped them off at the beach and told me how disappointed he was in me as that was not god's way. We're not religious people. We've never stepped foot in a church other than as children. He had somehow been pulled over three times that week and let go despite not having a valid license and warrants (despite cleaning everything up two years ago), and that's even that scare STILL wouldn't make him snap out of this. That's when I knew there was a very serious problem. Unable to convince him to talk to his dr about his medication, or able to convince him to slowly taper off of it because something clearly was not working, I flushed it down the toilet out of sheer anger. About three weeks later, I got called by the nanny that my husband and his ex-wife's son (23) just left in the jeep and were going camping? WHAT?? It's Wednesday and WHAT????? The next day I get the apologetic I'm sorry, I'm an idiot, I'm packing up and will be home in the morning calls. By morning, I got the call from the bail bondsmen as my husband was arrested AGAIN and this time for one hell of a mess. Low and behold, his ex-wife and her boyfriend drove 5 hours to come party with hubby and stepson. I had to leave work and go pick up my three vehicles out of impound costing thousands. I lost my nanny and I lost my job over this one.
He got home, we talked, I was supportive again and doing all I could to find a new job and help us. My husband got three jobs and lost them all. I went home for my dying grandmother for a weekend, and the first night I'm gone, my husband got our truck impounded by letting someone else drive who got a DUI, and since he did that, he decided to pry open my safe (where I had kept our cash from selling the last thing we had to sell, everything we had left to live on) and cleaned it out. He went down still drunk and bought a new car evidently because he "had to get to work". He never went to work. He had a house full of homeless people he met at the beach all at our house and the story goes on and on and on. I thought then, I had hit my wall. I told him again...shape up or get out.
He sincerely looked for help. No job, no benefits, no help. Even the county refused to treat his ADHD. So we struggled on....I got us enough money to get in to his last dr so only he old co-pay and get him back on a different medication. Worked great...for about two weeks...now we are right back to same old insanity. He's back to calling me every nasty name in the book when he's mad. His outbursts are insane. He tells me he's going to the store, or walking around thinking or pulled over to use his phone, but GPS shows him an hour away playing poker with the little money he either strong armed me for or hid from me all week until he had the chance to run out. (mind you I put he GPS on his phone under his instruction and literally to help ease my fears when he stops answering my phone calls or texts for days, that he is at least alive and not over a cliff somewhere (we live in the costal cliff areas)). Money is tight right now as we're trying to keep above water and dig out of the mess losing my job got us into. The car lot refused to cancel the contract he bought unmedicated and drunk, so I know am struggling with $1200 a month in car payments on top of trying to get them all out of repo status, and looking fighting an eviction that was initiated originally when my husband put all our rent money on the poker table when I got that last check. Sad thing is he's a great player, always wins, but never walks away until it's all gone. So anytime he leaves the house, I know that whatever cash he has, will not make it home. It's gone.
Last night was what I feel is the absolute sickest thing he's ever done to me. He called me at work to ask me if I wanted to meet him and the boys at the pier and we could walk around, have a burger and fries...nothing special but a nice change of pace and might be fun for the boys. I did. Not wanting to carry my purse around the SM Pier or wanting to leave my wallet in the stroller I made a HUGE MISTAKE. I asked him to hold the ATM card and some cash for me since I didn't have pockets. I figured since we were all together everything would be fine, my only fear was an argument when we got back to the car to get the card back. Didn't even get the chance. The boys and I were finishing our meal and my husband excused himself to the bathroom (for what was the second time in an hour) telling us he'd only be a minute. I got that sinking feeling after a few minutes that I was stranded. I put the boys in the stroller and waited around another 20 mins pacing, freaking out that I had no car keys, no wallet, no cell phone, no money. I had two toddlers at night on the pier, and I had nothing. We have no friends and no family for 500 miles. I was 100% alone. Eventually I walked as fast as I could back to the car to find he had left. he put my keys and phone back in the trunk leaving it unlocked for me, but not only did he empty our bank account, but he took even the last $1 I had in my wallet. My son asked me for juice, and with that being in the other car, I went through my purse, got a bottle of water I luckily had from work that day, and gave it to him, I decided right then, that I had finally had enough.
This morning he stumbled in at 4:00 when he knows I leave at 6:30 and the boys are up by 7. I woke him up at 6:30 in the spare room because god forbid he be confronted about what he did, to give him his medication because at least it helps wake him up. I wanted to see if he was sober enough to watch the kids. I couldn't afford another nanny anymore. He isn't working, and I have no one else to help. I asked him to go sleep downstairs. I was angry of course, but at this point I don't even care to hear myself ask him to please stop hurting us. His anger turned to rage after a short while of me trying to convince him to please go downstairs so he could hear the kids when they got up, and he hi and kicked the walls until he broke his toes. I left the room as soon as he started exploding as the profanity that he threw through the air all directed at me and anything he could think to say to hurt me. I stayed calm and still a fight continued. At this point I have no idea how I'm going to get to work on Monday. None. I have enough gas to make it til then, but after that, I'm screwed. Milk...we have a few gallons for the boys now luckily, but after that I'm screwed. I'm beside myself right now with anger and hatred. By text this afternoon he told me he didn't plan it and it just happened. He was upset that his older girls were coming to visit and it was the 22 yr old's birthday and we didn't have money to do anything, so he thought he'd make the money in poker. I'm so disgusted I honestly want to through up.
One of the Drs we've spoke to told me if I leave, he will self destruct for sure. Which I believe to be true, but I cannot do this anymore. I am so unorganized from having to juggle everything, handle everything, and hide money and my wallet all over in different places that I can't keep track of anything. I went through my purse this morning and did find $25 total that he somehow missed because it was loose in my stuff wrapped up in receipts etc. I've slept with it in my bra and it's still there. It honestly felt like gold to me when I found it because I thought...."I could have a death in the family, maybe miss a few days (as my grandmother had been sick) and this is milk and juice money for the boys...I might be able to make it without getting fired." I've reached my breaking point. There is years of stories as rough as this, but so sit there last night with my 3 yr old asking "where's daddy?" was my breaking point. I don't want them hearing him call me the names he calls me (which is new this year by the way) and terrified that if Daddy leaves their sight, he may not come back. My husband is still in that self hatred embarrassed, maybe still drunk, "it's your fault. I need space" mentality that I just can't even speak to him through text. Which is by the way been the best way since he hates confrontation, text has proven to be easier for him to communicate his feelings through....so I do it. Today, I'm a *&%# and a controlling witch and I just quit. My 3-yr old is suffering and screams every time we raise our voices. i can't take this anymore. Originally I was waiting till he went to jail (in Jan I believe) but I don't know if I can even stand the sight of him anymore. I'm beyond angry and hurt and I'm disgusted by him. I know he needs help, but I cannot save him, and I have to learn to understand and accept that really. I keep trying to keep us all together as the boys have only known him since birth and I always had to go right back to work, but I can't keep things together anymore. I have lost none of my baby weight and am now 50 lbs overweight. I eat like crap and then starve myself. I know I'm losing it, so then I pull it all back together and try harder, but this stress has every calorie I eat glued to my hips! I am miserable with the way I look, and he recently has let me know that I'm now "fat". I honestly am at my wits end with him. I contacted his dr several times on my own and just let him know what was going on so maybe it could help shed some light on how to help him with his anger and impulse control better, but the idiot dr just texts my husband to find out if everything ok and I'm just overreacting. My husband has been telling everyone, "my poor wife. I've caused her so much pain and hurt. She needs to talk to someone. I'm worried about her." I want to rip my hair out!!! I've tried everything! Literally everything. I've read every book, every YouTube video, every documentary, every webinar, every article I can get my hands on re ADHD and ADHD/relationships. I'm in law, I research....it's what I do. I've tried everything. What friends I have left (all 500 miles away) think I'm either a saint, or just as crazy as him. I am literally left with wanting out, and it breaks my heart because I know my husband is still in there somewhere. But I quit. I just can't leave today...........I have to go home. Which by the way is the reason I wanted to be a lawyer. My mother and father had a bad relationship, but my mom had no job and only a high school diploma in a small town. She couldn't financially leave, so even though their relationship made a complete 180, I promised myself at 8 years old that I would never allow myself to be dependent on a man and get stuck in a bad relationship. Here I am now, two BA degrees and two completed years of law school, making six figures, and I don't have a pot to pee in, or anything left to sell. He spent everything. I honestly think it's time to give up. I know in my heart he'll end up hurting himself or in prison if I leave because we are his world and all he had left, but I don't know what more to do.
Sorry so long. After 12 years...I think I finally am hitting the wall.