Enabling vs Understanding

So, I am in a relationship with ADHD partner. We tread a fine line between Enabling and Understanding our ADHD partners. On one end of the scale we have the school of thought to just accept them for who they are and pick up all the slack because they cannot help it and on the other end of the scale are those who seem to comment that if they are not pulling their weight then end it. We spouses constantly swing in between both and quite frankly it does my head in to the point where my own mental health is becoming an issue. For an overthinker such as myself I am continually thinking about what and how I say things to him and how can I help or is what I am about to say going to do more damage or sound patronising. My partner is newly diagnosed and it's doing my head in. We have been together for four and a half years and he moved in to my house in December. I have been waiting for the life he described would be ours to begin and it didn't matter what he said it went backwards very fast. To be honest I wonder if I am ever going to have that life with him. Yes, he has been diagnosed but doing little about it at this stage - on meds - but no counselling - seems to have trouble getting into that space. He says there are aspects of his life he wants to improve and that things will get better once that happens. It's actually quite difficult for us partners sometimes to sit by and watch the "inaction" in action so to speak. They say that you shouldn't want to change your partner but I think most of you would agree that it is him that changed in that he was very good and showing the outside world that he had everything under control when that was far from the truth. He has also stated he wants to improve things so your wanting to help him do that..... is that trying to change someone?

I am just completely stuck right now wondering if he is ever going to be able to be the partner he made himself out to be with the family togetherness etc when he cannot even get home on time for dinner with us. The family holidays we talk about taking that I now know I will have to pay for as he cannot even pay his own way and I support him now.

How do you give your partners support but ask them to support themselves at the same time? How do you give them the encouragement but work double the hours they do? At a loss.