Over the past several days, I discovered that my husband had lost a source of income for the summer; lied to me about it repeatedly; and got a speeding ticket. He admitted to being depressed and indicated that he might be willing to see a therapist again. (He has been in therapy off and on for years but drops it when it seems ineffective or becomes uncomfortable.) I have felt at the end of my rope for months because of what I perceive as the effects of my husband's inadequately treated ADHD (things like the lying, the failure to follow through, poor time management (e.g., leaving the house late for an appointment and then speeding in the car)).
Today, I felt that I had to do something. My husband is out of town (he helps his elderly parents on weekends), and so I contacted him by text, email, and voicemail; indicated that I'm very concerned about him; and asked him to contact me ASAP. He eventually called. I reiterated my concern and asked what his plan was for seeing a therapist. He didn't have a specific plan but gave enough information that I could tell he was thinking about it. I reminded him that I had sent him information about one therapist and told him that I would get other names this week, when I talk to my own therapist. I then said that I could not force him to do anything, but that I am very concerned about the effect of his behavior on himself and on other people, and that if he does not contact a therapist this week, I will feel compelled to take action to protect myself. (I did not go into details, because I did not want this to be an ultimatem. My plan is to call a lawyer and find out about initiating a divorce. This should not be a surprise to my husband, given that I have said many times over the years that the ADHD-induced problems have caused me to question whether we should stay married.) I don't think I sounded angry on the phone and I didn't feel angry; sad and concerned but also full of resolve.
I will report later this week as to what happens. If my husband doesn't contact a therapist, I will tell him that I am going to contact a lawyer, and then I will make the call immediately.