Encouraging ADHD husband; preserving my self

Over the past several days, I discovered that my husband had lost a source of income for the summer; lied to me about it repeatedly; and got a speeding ticket.  He admitted to being depressed and indicated that he might be willing to see a therapist again.  (He has been in therapy off and on for years but drops it when it seems ineffective or becomes uncomfortable.)  I have felt at the end of my rope for months because of what I perceive as the effects of my husband's inadequately treated ADHD (things like the lying, the failure to follow through, poor time management (e.g., leaving the house late for an appointment and then speeding in the car)).

Today, I felt that I had to do something.  My husband is out of town (he helps his elderly parents on weekends), and so I contacted him by text, email, and voicemail; indicated that I'm very concerned about him; and asked him to contact me ASAP. He eventually called.  I reiterated my concern and asked what his plan was for seeing a therapist.  He didn't have a specific plan but gave enough information that I could tell he was thinking about it.  I reminded him that I had sent him information about one therapist and told him that I would get other names this week, when I talk to my own therapist.  I then said that I could not force him to do anything, but that I am very concerned about the effect of his behavior on himself and on other people, and that if he does not contact a therapist this week, I will feel compelled to take action to protect myself.  (I did not go into details, because I did not want this to be an ultimatem.   My plan is to call a lawyer and find out about initiating a divorce. This should not be a surprise to my husband, given that I have said many times over the years that the ADHD-induced problems have caused me to question whether we should stay married.)  I don't think I sounded angry on the phone and I didn't feel angry; sad and concerned but also full of resolve.  

I will report later this week as to what happens.  If my husband doesn't contact a therapist, I will tell him that I am going to contact a lawyer, and then I will make the call immediately.

Update:  I got a

Update:  I got a recommendation from my therapist.  My husband called the person's office and made an appointment; first opening is in about 3 weeks.  I'm cautiously optimistic. I've been trying hard to keep calm but also telling my husband about specific things that bother or concern me.  I'll keep posting about developments.

how is it going?

my pwadhd went on meds this past summer. we just hit a bit bump in the road and I don't know if we're going to make it.

Something in me snapped and I have demanded that my pwADHD pay half the bills, that we sell his camera equipment to pay down the debt and that we sell the over priced BMW we bought a year and a half ago at his urging.

He has agreed. but he left today to stay with a friend and I don't know if we're going to make it.

I am heartbroken.

OFNEEDS, I'm sorry that

OFNEEDS, I'm sorry that things aren't going well.  In my household, things could be better, but they could be worse.  My husband did start seeing the therapist.  I don't know if it's helping him; I don't see much change in his behavior.  When I comment about things my husband does or doesn't do, he usually tells me that according to his therapist, all he can do is try to do better in the future.  That is, he can't change the past.  Well, I agree that he can't change the past, but he can do more than try; he can actually DO BETTER.  But he doesn't.  It's like living in the movie "Groundhog Day":  every day is like the one before.  In the short term, my work insurance plan is changing at the end of the year, and my husband will need to drop the therapist or stay with him but go to full pay.  It seems unlikely he'll choose the latter, because he's already having problems paying his bills.  He hasn't seen a psychiatrist in several months and so I'm not sure what the status of his medications and prescriptions is.  I'll ask him this morning.  

I'm thinking of you; please let us know how you are doing. 

Cautiously waiting

Today, I am just hopeless.  Not only is my boyfriend ADD, he also has a drinking problem.  A few months ago it got really bad and I did give him an ultimatum that he had to go see my therapist with me every other week, and I would go alone every other week.  Since seeing her, it seemed to have got better.  I am ADD too, but am on meds.  I feel that I am not as bad as him, but hey what do I know, according to him.  Well after seeing my therapist for the past few months, he has agreed that he needs meds.  Things have been really good.  Felt like it did when we first got together.  I've been bragging to friends how happy I was.

Then I have to keep reminding him constantly to make an appointment.  After about two months of being patient and giving him his space without nagging him, it starts to wear on me.  He says he will.  Then he comes up with excuses of why he hasn't... then I say that I will call my doctor and see if they take his insurance.. then I still don't because I feel resentful that I have to setup his appointment too.  

Then today, while I am working from home, I have to stop to find his wallet because he can't find it.  Help him sometime today find a way to replace his cell phone, because now he has broken every backup cell we had in the house, and find a way to pay for my doctor appointment and meds by Friday.  I will be out of my medicine by then because he will take it randomly.  So hopefully I won't fall a part too much in those two days.  

I make a pretty good living, but he hasn't chipped in a while, except he pays the rent, so now we are broke.  He has got to have cigarettes and alcohol, but I am the one actually paying for it all, plus doing the laundry and keeping the house clean, and paying all the bills.  Then he leaves today mad at me, because... I don't know why?  I don't know what to do.  I am not ready to leave, but I can't stay in this either.  I will end up ruining my life if I stay and am worried that I will hate him.  I love him so much.  We have had so many good times together.  We get along like there is no one else out there in the world could.  I have always seen so much potential between the two of us too.. to be better and move forward, romantically, physically, our entrepreneurial ideas, and our friendship.  He is my best friend, but I feel like I am drowning here.  We are going on three years of being back together after a 10 year break, and I don't want it to end again.  Ugggh, why can't he just get help?  I did. 

Respect

Your best friend is taking unfair advantage of you.  How can either of you be expected to respect this man who does not put an effort into his or your life?  Unless, he, like my DH has no shame or guilt or remorse. 

Melissa's Book

I was listening to Melissa's book today. it makes so much sense but letting go of my anger seems impossible. my pwADHD has agreed to do Melissa's seminar and we went to a therapy session today. He says he's willing to do whatever it takes but we're both so angry and hurt and we both feel so trapped and screwed up it just seems impossible. I'm so tired of trying.

both therapy and 12 step

His intentions may be good, but sounds as if he's not matching intentions to actions.  A 12 step program would probably help him with both the alcohol problem and also in understanding just how important those actions are.  Excuses aren't any good anymore, you're in too much trouble for that.  So suggest he consider a 12 step and see how far you get...

Therapist Today

I went to my therapist alone today.  It was a good relief to say whatever I wanted without having to be concerned what negative thing he would take from it.  I think that is the part that really wrecks me... the part where I have to be gentle and kind, positive and supportive, patient while also saying the right thing to motivate because if I don't and I say something bad or negative, then it becomes overwhelming to him and nothing happens, he shuts down and all that work I have done up to that point is gone .  It is so exhausting!!

I finally couldn't be quietly supportive anymore last night.  I blew up, basically stating what I said just now and all he could say back what, "I don't know what to say.  you are right and I'm sorry."  For whatever reason that made me feel better for the night, but this morning nothing had changed.  I need action!!

Thank you for your suggestion about the 12 step program.  He is still of the mind-set that he can fix the alcohol problem on his own.  Plus the religious part of it, turns him off before they even get started.  His buddy is going through the 12 step program now, so hopefully that will help him see the change that is possible.

All I can do now is focus on myself and my well-being.  Because I am moving forward, with or without him... I would love for him to be there, but it is not a necessity for me anymore.

Therapist doesn't understand ADHD?

It may be that your husband is misinterpreting and misreporting what the therapist is saying.  However, if he/she is really saying all he can do is try harder then this therapist doesn't get ADHD.  You are 100% right.  It isn't about trying harder, it's about trying differently - as in setting up the structures and habit that manage ADHD.  That includes taking medication regularly if he can, measuring whether or not he is really doing what he says he's doing, taking responsibility for creating the reminders and things he needs (an ADHD can often be very helpful with this part).

I don't know if you've taken my course - if not, it's possible it might kick him into a higher gear.  There is the recorded and live version available - next live starts Jan 7 if you are interested.