The end of a marriage??

So lets see. Where do I begin? At the beginning I suppose. I met my wife ten years ago. Things were great at first. We had an amazing sex life. She was beautiful and had a good heart. As things went along though, it started to get very ugly very fast. She procrastinated about everything and she was extremely dirty. I told her how i felt about these things and she showed no interest in changing anything. So i did what came natural and I broke up with her and found someone else.

So we spent some time apart and she showed back up in my life and she showed me that she had changed. She seemed put together and told me that the thought of losing me caused the change in her. So we sarted back up and things were good again. Eventually she became pregnant. By this time we were living together.

Fast forward 10 - 11 years down the line. What ive learned since then is that she purposefully lied to me and decieved me into thinking she was someone that she wasnt. When I asked why she would do such a horrible thing, her answer has been because I had to do what I had to do to get you back. To say i feel decieved and manipulated would be a major understatement. We have a relationship built on lies.

So what are the real problems though? I will try to tackle them one at a time without allowing myself to become overly emotional. 

1: Cleaniliness

I come from a home where cleanliness was a big thing. You bathe every day. You brush your teeth every day. Every day you make your bed.  Dishes are done every day. These things are definitly not happening in my home. We have 3 young boys ages 1, 3 and 6. If Christine takes a bathe twice a week that may be alot. Shes also not an advocate of soap. Ive learned from this relationship that soap causes cancer. So water is good enough. My children are also not bathed properly and smell awfull. Teeth brushing is reserved for special occasions. The bed has been made about twice this year. Dishes are left long enough for the house to be full of flies. Dirty clothes are hung up and are used over and over. We are known amongst our circles as "The Smelly's". My car looks like homeless men live in it. So why dont you clean yourself you ask? I've been asked that before. Guess its a natural question. Rewind a few years. I was once " Super Husband". I cooked, I cleaned, I maintained all aspects of a home plus I maintained a full time job. I was a mother, a father, a husband, a wife, a maid, a lover, a friend and much much more rolled into one. At the end of that road was mental breakdown waiting for me to embrace with open arms. I lost my job and ended up locked alone in a bedroom for two months. Only coming out to eat and use the bathroom for anything but bathing. No phone calls from any friends and no support whatsoever from my wife. You'll forgive me if I dont walk that path again.

2: Sex Life

Non existent. Ive seriously considered prostitution as an option.

3: Procrastination

We have gotten some great advice from many areas over the years. Unfortunately Christine has applied none of it. She sincerely loves to hear great advice. She says it makes her feel better. But applies none of it. She talks about seeking professional help but either hasnt at all or hasnt followed thru with somewhere in the range of none of it - most of it. Shes taken meds but quits after a month - 2 months. Reasons why? " Its not working", "I dont like how it makes me feel", I dont really have anything wrong with me. You just expect too much". She procrastinates around the home with everything. She hasnt worked a secular job in about 8 years. 

3: Oops I did it again.

Christine is a catastrophe waiting to happen. She has broken enough things that if i could get it all back and sell it all, I could probably buy a new 3 story home. Nothing is sacred and nothing is off limits. We have been thrown out of home after home after home because of her antics. We have been homeless 2 times and I fear that it will happen again. Its always just an "oops" away. It makes me frustrated and resentful to no end to work my butt off for my family and yet feel like its all for naught. Shes broken the pS4 multiple times. Shes broken flat screen TVs and much much more. I've thought of Dispraxia as a possible reason.b

4: The reason is.....

Christine has some reason for everything. This broke because... I didnt do this/that because.... 

5. Wait, what time is it?

Before Christine I was late to nothing. Now? (Chris get in the car pleaaaseeee ! Chris we dont need that lets go ....Chris what do you mean you forgot to do/grab this/that?)

6: The insults / The lack of demonstrations of love and/or appreciation. 

"I dont want you. I just want your money (Yes she really said that)

7: Welcome to Christines version of "Normal" 

In the past she saved dirty diapers incase they needed to be reused. Shes worn her own dirty underwear time and again. Shes peed and pooped on herself. She does things that make you go "huh?" Like storing garbage in the back seat of my car. 

8: Shes alienated just about every friend we've ever had. As a result, we have little to no friends. 

9: Low or no self esteem

Theres lot and lots and lots more but heres the most important part. All of this has made me want to walk out on her. Ive become angry, resentfull and even violent at times. Its affected my children and im at the point where I just want it to end. I sleep in the car in front of my home. Ive even thought about ending my own life just for some peace. I dont know where to go for help. No one has helped. Therapy sucks. Life sucks. It would be nice to do some of the seminars on here but i cant afford them. Kinda wanna ask those around me will you remember me when im gone? Right now im just sitting in my car on my day off of work hoping it goes by quick so I can go back to work... the only place i find peace. 

UPDATE: I went to wdw because theres no reason to punish myself on my day off by spending it in a car. So here i am alone. As I walked out my son says "Look daddy im playing Batman". It broke my heart that I cant be there for him because we both are so caught up in our own problems. As I walked out I said to her Im going you know where alone. Unthinking Christine says "You're going to Disney?" I reply " why dont you say it a little louder? Lets torture the kids ..  Why not? "