The end of me

After 30+ years of marriage, raising a family essentially as a single parent, while completing college & working up to 3 part time jobs, I can no longer find the strength to continue. My spouse was diagnoised with ADD/Impulsivity/Inattentiveness. His behavior also changes, and he becomes very mean verbally when he drinks any alcohol at all. For most of the past 30 years I took total care of the house etc, as he was "too busy, too stressed at work " to come home for more than  to sleep eat & go back to work. His memories of our life are very different of course, because I am "such a negative person, never happy with anything, just want to rehash the past all the time"

Over the years he has started, and discontinued, individual and joint counseling about 6 times. I have  had long term counseling myself several times over the years, to address my own issues and seeking coping tools to deal how his  issues affect me. I left him after he was fired from his job and became increasingly verbally, financially, and emotionally abusive. after several months' separation, and a very large attorney's bill, he agreed to joint counseling because "he loved me and wanted to save our marriage". After going to joint counseling for about 4 months I agreed to move back into our home. Almost as soon as I did that, he lost interest in doing any real work in our counseling sessions. Our initial goal was to improve our communication skills. He gave every appearance of working on this while in counseling but refused to practice any of the skills/exercises that the counselor suggested we try between sessions. The counselor was certified in ADD/ADHD, marriage counseling, and addictive behaviors such as sexual addiction and alcoholism.

We have been living together, in the house we purchased together, over 30 years ago, for 18 months since the separation. During that time he has violated my personal space on a daily basis, I am not allowed to have any input into how the house is set up, he freely goes through my personal possessions & clothing, throwing away & giving away things. I was not allowed to have any of my own clothes or books, etc in "our" bedroom because it was "a special place for us"; translate to for sex only. The closet was reserved for clothing that he found sexually stimulating & dresser drawers reserved for his sex toys. He has become increasingly abusive, escalating to the point of shoving me from one end of the house to the other because I picked up a notebook he left on the floor.  After that incident, which left me extremely sore & bruised in numerous places he left. I changed the locks because I really feared what he would do if he came back, to the point that I was unable to sleep. This occurred 2 days before I was starting a new job. While I was at work, he broke into the house and then left an outside entryway to the basement open in such a way that I did not realize it was not locked, so was sleeping in an unsecured house for 2 nights before realizing it.

As I re read what I have written here, I really just want to curl up & die.  I thought I was strong enough to get through this but today I don't think I can.

He stopped attending counseling with me almost 4 months ago, in all fairness, he DID give me permission to continue myself to get over my hang ups about the past, and sex. There must be something wrong with me because I don't choose to engage in sexual activity at least 3 times a day. He chooses not to engage in any activities with me, not even meals, on a regular basis.

I was very hopeful when I found this site, I thought that just knowing others were struggling with the same issues and finding ways to improve their relationships would be a great help to us. As he refuses to even read anything,, never mind discuss anything, my hopes were once again thrown to the ground and stomped on.