The End of my Rope!

I don't know where to begin...Considering I have read many, many forums about having a significant other with ADHD, and believe me, mine has a severe case. Although he has not been diagnosed, his ADHD is tearing our relationship into shreds. 

Until recently, did I start to understand the full capacity and helpful hints, powered with knowledge how to maintain this relationship but he also understands that he does need help. He is a small business owner and we do not have medical coverage. He self medicates by using cocaine, adderall, drinking. Cocaine helps him the best. Does that sound CRAZY or what? I can't have a drug addict boyfriend! 

I am so confused. I am so sad. I don't know what else to do to try to turn around conflicts we have. For example today.. He called and asked me about a work related question.. I was out the door to take out the trash and I said, "Suuuuuure" He went bonkers on me on the phone. Literally started screaming, called me a few names, which I told him was one of my boundaries. He proceeded to come home, throw his clothes at me. I asked what was wrong. "Nothing" I could tell that it was going to hit the fan. He becomes very confrontational, easily. He proceeds to insult me more, and in my mind, egging me on for a full WW3 debate about how I had an attitude "suuuuure" and how I just couldn't admit that I was a bitch for saying that to him. Ugh. No attitude. No motivation intended to sound like I had an attitude. To boot, I had been helping him with his phone requests all day! No big deal. 

I thought by going into another room to avoid conflict, that would diffuse him. No. 

He randomly asked me if I wanted to take some sleeping/nerve medicine (not prescribed to either of us) and I said, "No thanks."

Within next 30 minutes or so, he was out the door. Gone. Wouldn't answer the phone. 

He still has not come home. It's almost 4 AM. I am very upset. I have no idea where he is. He is not answering my texts. I sent him a text telling him that in the AM we can start to talk about parting ways, and everything we need to do. Sit my son down and tell him...call my parents. 

This incident partnered with many, many others relating to his temper, yelling, name calling, childish behavior, controlling.... We have had a few physical incidents. We have had arguments that lasted hours long. 

There is no gray area. He is either HIGH or LOW. I feel like he hates me. I feel like there is nothing I can do right, and I also feel very alone. Like he doesn't see me. I usually am fairly independent and self reliable. My car was stolen a few months back. I basically quit my job because the stress and hours were affecting our relationship. I honestly have burned some bridges with my friends. I have no where to go. No way to get there and I feel like I have gone above and beyond what a woman can do for her man, the tolerance, the patience, the acceptance. 

Instead of spending money on illegal drugs, I want him to get help. Therapy and medicine. I am scared to ask him. I am scared to have that ultimatim. 

He has a wonderful heart. He is a good person with good core values and my son adores him. 

I have offered suggestions and ways he can try to control his temper, irrational behavior. Almost the ONLY time he is approachable, extremely loving and kind is when he is on cocaine. It actually calms him. It puts him in a place where he can communicate. 

HELP! Any advice is welcome. I am at the end of my rope. I have pushed my ego to the side so many times. I am feeling empty and feel like I am not enough. 

I don't know from day in and day out what it will bring. I often just agree when he is berating me. I agree when he is telling me something that I know is not correct. Having a conversation with him about our business is like a battle. We see things differently... it makes it hard. 

Barely hanging on...

Barely --

I know what it is like to live in constant turmoil. I feel for you, writing at this time of the morning. But it looks to me like your situation is not likely to change, and you may need to go ahead and leave. Facing life with a drug addict is not going to be pleasant. Take this time to make a plan. First, look at what you have written. You need to get honest with yourself about the person you are with -- take off the blinders of how much "potential" he might have if only...... Following is what you have written about this guy:

Severe, undiagnosed ADHD, drug addict, raging, disrespectful to you, insulting, nasty attitude, bad temper, blaming personality, hateful, controlling, childish, manipulative, abusive, all black or white thinking, unappreciative, .....

The man is a drug addict and has untreated ADHD. That is the way drug addicts and men with untreated ADHD act. Period. He is very unlikely to change and he doesn't appear to respect your opinion enough to "let you change him." (But we can never change anyone -- it has to come from them)

I will make 2 points: (1) It doesn't matter WHY he does this to you. and (2) Of course, he's NOT ALWAYS this way. Even murders and mass killers are sometimes charming, kindly, and human.

If I were you, I wouldn't tell my son or make immediate drastic decisions that you may not stick to. Start making a real plan and writing it down. If you have relatives and can make a clean break, do it. If not, be sweet to avoid getting him angry, but get a job of some sort and work to get back on your feet. Mentally start making the break from him. Contact a shelter if necessary. Try a church. Whatever it takes, start taking charge of YOUR life. Once you take the step, people will begin to be there for you. Pray. Stay on this forum for support. If you think you are doing this for your son, what kind of a role model is a drug addict who is abusive to the mother he loves? He may very well be trying to like this guy for YOUR sake. Get him out of there.

I wish you well. Life is better on the other side, but it may take a little while to get there.

 

 

Just picked him up from mexican restaurant

And now breaking out the coke. Begging me to do it with him. 

He just told me that I was dispicable and wanted me to die. That he hated me. 

I confronted him about counseling. 

At home now. He text me what a worthless piece of shit I was for not following him directly from the restaurant from home. I was right behind him the whole time. 

I called a womens crisis shelter. They dont open until 9 am. Scared. hopeless

...

Thank you for your feedback. I really appreciate it. I feel like there is nothing I can do . Leave in the middle of the night or something crazy like that. I just got out of an abusive marriage. I feel so lost and alone. Only thing holding me back from losing my marbles is my son. 

Anyway, I am going to try to ignore him tonight. Hope for a better day and start to make a plan. 

Again, thanks. 

Make a plan

It is hard to leave abuse. I can imagine if you already left an abusive marriage, it is humiliating to get entangled in another abusive situation. Sometimes our friends and family get tired of giving advice only to see us return to the situation, so they just back off. Carriejo, have you called any churches? Sometimes God is the only one left to turn to. I have gone thru the phone book before, calling one church after another to try and find free counseling. You might try that -- you may  have to repeat yourself over and over until you find someone who is helpful, but it is possible you may find shelter and help. Then you need to work on taking care of yourself.

I quit my job to go to another state with my ex. Seemed like a good idea at the time.... However, a job provides PEOPLE to talk to, a way to prove your worth, a reason to leave the house, freedom to do what is important to you, and a perspective that you aren't going to see at home right now.

One baby step at a time, Carriejo. Find counseling for JUST YOU. You are in no position to try and help a drug addicted man. You sound very beat down, but don't quit -- your son needs and loves you. You can get to a place of strength, just don't give up. Keep looking for help, then don't turn back. Let people help you and realize you are not the things an abusive partner calls you. They need to make you think you are worthless because if you didn't think you were, they could not use you.

I'm praying for you. Push forward for that darling little boy of yours!

 

 

 

It is humilating. And

It is humilating. And dramatic. 

I have looked online for free counseling. I will start to make those calls... He can see my phone log and I think he will figure out what I am doing, and things will really hit the fan. 

I have submitted my resumes every day. Anything from office admin work to paralegal to IT. I have a lot of knowledge in many different areas including personal training. 

Thank you for the prayers. Prayers for you as well. The pain is very deep. I hope I will start to see the sunshine again. And, soon. 

He doesn't deserve to be put through another one of my mistakes. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am afraid I am going to turn bitter. 

Lord, I pray for strength to hold it together. I can't seem to do anything right. 

carriejo212,

I am sorry to hear how badly your spouse treated you,nothing that I am not accustom too also,try not to beat up yourself for it,"SAVE" your mental health,don't even worry,these are the traits of an ADHD person unless they are willing to change for them selves,your forum made me cry,and I felt that pain you feel.I have an ADHD husband with that of a tripping case of ADHD, and what made his worse was child abuse,horrible, child abuse from his ADHD mother,the type of things he told me just over this weekend alone made me realized that his mother was partly blamed for his,rude,insensitive,angry,childish behaviors,and that is a medical issue as well, when coming to dealing with ADHD, and it's not intentionally done by those with ADHD but,I understand how hurt and all alone you feel,,,,, I feel the same way too,,,,but,like I posted this somewhere else,I am no longer going to be responsible for my DH actions no more,I am mentally dis attaching myself from his negative behaviors and trying to focus on the positive things in him,and also focusing more on myself rather than him and doing fun things to make myself happy like joining the gym, or extra dance classes,it will help you release some stress also,he sounds more like he was making up an argument to do something else he had planned that same evening,I am not initiating anything wrong though,but,be careful,ADHD has a tendency to self medicate by "not pleasant" addictive behaviors...hope things work out for you,but,still try and get him treated for the cocaine,that is very serious,but,  don't nag him about it, he might start resenting you for that with no improvement whatsoever,little by little try.

take care

from:lovehurts.

gym, lol.

When I am at the gym, he texts and calls non stop. 

When I am having lunch with one of my girlfriends, he calls and texts non stop. 

When I am with my son, sometimes he starts a texting war. 

He's jealous of my relationship with our fish even. 

He was sexually abused as a child. I know there is a lot of anger stemming from that. He doesn't want to face it. 

If I don't say anything, I have no voice. I have no voice, I internalize. 

But,....when he's high. He talks about it all, admits his behavior isn't right, apologizes. Is rational. Can articulate his thoughts and feelings. 

I don't understand. I am riding this rollercoaster he puts me through. I have tried to help. Tried everything. I just want to make it through the day, at this point the night. It is literally consuming me, affecting my relationships with other people. 

Appreciate the feedback and thoughts. 

 

 

Boundries

I leave my phone in the car or at home when I'm at the gym...and my DH knows it.  My DH probably has PTSD and possibly Anti-social personality disorder as well.  

Your boyfriend is self-medicating!  Follow the advice that was given above... you need to heal!

Run, girl, run!

There's probably other things going on here with him.  I've recently read that other disorders commonly accompany ADD/ADHD.  If he refuses to recognize and get help, this volatile relationship you describe will go nowhere, possibly end worse than it is now.  (I'm not talking about marriage here btw...)