The End of my Rope!

I don't know where to begin...Considering I have read many, many forums about having a significant other with ADHD, and believe me, mine has a severe case. Although he has not been diagnosed, his ADHD is tearing our relationship into shreds. 

Until recently, did I start to understand the full capacity and helpful hints, powered with knowledge how to maintain this relationship but he also understands that he does need help. He is a small business owner and we do not have medical coverage. He self medicates by using cocaine, adderall, drinking. Cocaine helps him the best. Does that sound CRAZY or what? I can't have a drug addict boyfriend! 

I am so confused. I am so sad. I don't know what else to do to try to turn around conflicts we have. For example today.. He called and asked me about a work related question.. I was out the door to take out the trash and I said, "Suuuuuure" He went bonkers on me on the phone. Literally started screaming, called me a few names, which I told him was one of my boundaries. He proceeded to come home, throw his clothes at me. I asked what was wrong. "Nothing" I could tell that it was going to hit the fan. He becomes very confrontational, easily. He proceeds to insult me more, and in my mind, egging me on for a full WW3 debate about how I had an attitude "suuuuure" and how I just couldn't admit that I was a bitch for saying that to him. Ugh. No attitude. No motivation intended to sound like I had an attitude. To boot, I had been helping him with his phone requests all day! No big deal. 

I thought by going into another room to avoid conflict, that would diffuse him. No. 

He randomly asked me if I wanted to take some sleeping/nerve medicine (not prescribed to either of us) and I said, "No thanks."

Within next 30 minutes or so, he was out the door. Gone. Wouldn't answer the phone. 

He still has not come home. It's almost 4 AM. I am very upset. I have no idea where he is. He is not answering my texts. I sent him a text telling him that in the AM we can start to talk about parting ways, and everything we need to do. Sit my son down and tell my parents. 

This incident partnered with many, many others relating to his temper, yelling, name calling, childish behavior, controlling.... We have had a few physical incidents. We have had arguments that lasted hours long. 

There is no gray area. He is either HIGH or LOW. I feel like he hates me. I feel like there is nothing I can do right, and I also feel very alone. Like he doesn't see me. I usually am fairly independent and self reliable. My car was stolen a few months back. I basically quit my job because the stress and hours were affecting our relationship. I honestly have burned some bridges with my friends. I have no where to go. No way to get there and I feel like I have gone above and beyond what a woman can do for her man, the tolerance, the patience, the acceptance. 

Instead of spending money on illegal drugs, I want him to get help. Therapy and medicine. I am scared to ask him. I am scared to have that ultimatim. 

He has a wonderful heart. He is a good person with good core values and my son adores him. 

I have offered suggestions and ways he can try to control his temper, irrational behavior. Almost the ONLY time he is approachable, extremely loving and kind is when he is on cocaine. It actually calms him. It puts him in a place where he can communicate. 

HELP! Any advice is welcome. I am at the end of my rope. I have pushed my ego to the side so many times. I am feeling empty and feel like I am not enough. 

I don't know from day in and day out what it will bring. I often just agree when he is berating me. I agree when he is telling me something that I know is not correct. Having a conversation with him about our business is like a battle. We see things differently... it makes it hard. 

Barely hanging on...