I am hoping someone here can advise me. I am seriously just losing it. Please bear with me if I seem like I'm rambling, but I'm just trying to give a full, complete picture here
I've been married to my non-adhd (but OCPD) husband for almost 3 years. We've been together for almost 8. In the beginning of our relationship, I was VERY immature. At 38 I had never yet really, truly fallen in love. But I fell in love with him and he with me. We were deleriously happy and content. At first.
I have a strong background of sexual abuse. Terrible, traumatizing sexual abuse that has happened since age 5 til even up to my early 30's. I was promiscuous when I was younger as a result, on drugs and pretty much had a screwed up life where I was abused. I kept finding the same type of guy. The useless ones who didn't care for me, just wanted to own, hurt and use me. It was all I'd ever known.
But when he came, he was so so different. He understood pain and suffering as his childhood was just as traumatic. He's steady, mellow and not easily aroused to anger and a good father. A great guy and one I love with all of my heart even when he drives me crazy.
I had, had a very prolific online life before we met, because I was very lonely and unhappy in my relationship at the time. I had broken up with but was still stuck living in the same house as my ex. I didn't go anywhere, do anything but be home with the kids. So I was online A LOT. When hubby and I got together, I still was online. Pretty sure, I was addicted to being on the internet. ADHD and all. I also had surrounded myself with sexually open and free people and was friends in real life with several of them. Some of the discussions we would have were provocative and flirtatious, but none of them interested me that way. THey were just interesting people. I didn't want their lifestyle.
After I got with Josh, after the first few months, my depression and ADHD would send me right back to the computer and phone. He read some of the convos and to say the least, he wasn't happy. I caused him a lot of pain. He says I broke his heart. I never even understood WHY I did it at the time. But often, without realizing it, I would fall back into those same patterns. Over the years together, I would sometimes text flirtatiously with meaningless men and try to hide it. I didn't want these people. I didn't care about them. I DID however, want the stimulation and for people to want me, even though I didn't feel the same about them. I understand NOW why I did these things was from the years of sexual abuse and conditioning. I was seeking self validation in unhealthy forms. And ADHD was most likely a big part of it, too.
My husband told me get counseling or else. And I tried. Many times. With work, kids, a breaking down vehicle and the counseling halfway across town, it just didn't happen much. I would make appointments and usually have to cancel them because there was no way I could get across town and then make it to work on time. Or he'd have his kids here and because he has many medical problems, would be asleep from pain meds or just in too much pain to handle them. So I would end up cancelling and not rescheduling. And I couldn't afford the GOOD counseling (and still can't) for someone closer to me who are REAL counselors. The people at the free sex abuse counseling just let me talk. They didn't give me much insight into anything, to be truthful. I got discouraged. I don't have real insurance. So I went to forums like this and read and read help books, including Orlov's. I made conscious decisions and changed patterns. I avoided men. I focused on family and spouse. I stopped talking to EVERYONE just about. I stayed home and only went to work and home again. The last time I spoke to someone in a manner that wasn't appropriate (Flirtatiously) was back in 09. I have been and still am a faithful, happy spouse. I must state here that I have NEVER had sex of any kind with anyone else since I have been with him. Eight years and counting and I have no desire to with anyone else either. I am happy, VERY happy to just be monogamous. I don't want to flirt or repeat past offenses. He has all of my passwords and is welcome to look at my phone or conversations at any time and he knows this. I have NOTHING to hide. Even my past, which I hid from him from utter shame for so many years is now out and in the open.
My husband however, wants to call it quits now and says we will just "Be friends". Why? Because after so long, I re-opened my Facebook. I miss seeing what's going on with family and friends/acquaintances. I'm lonely and want someone to talk to. He has MS (and many other awful things) so he's often drugged out or sleeping all day, when I'm awake. I come home from work at 11:30 pm and can't stay up all night to talk to him, because I'm often back up early in the AM watching my step kids. I'm also starting an art business and wanted to network. I had shut down my Face book before because I had been flirting with a guy on there. That person is no longer someone I waste my time with and isn't on my FB and never WILL be again. I only have friends, coworkers and family on there now. The only single men on there are a few coworkers who are under the age of 25, the same age as my sons. I think of them in a motherly only fashion, because, well... Eww. Anyone under the age of 35 just seems like child molesting to me. I'm 44 soon to be 45. (My husband is 40 and that's plenty young enough for me!) He says, I'm too stressful and I'm causing him anxiety and going to give him a heart attack. I think HE Needs counseling, frankly.
Maybe it's just the ADHD, but I'm not understanding WHY, after all of these years of being a good, dedicated, loving, MONOGAMOUS wife, that he's wanting to push me away. He told me not but a week ago, that he doesn't have any fears or worries. Now, I have Facebook up and he's complaining I'm always on my phone or spending too much time on Facebook. Yes, I'm catching up and I did just get a new shiny phone (that he pushed at me to get) with tons of games and apps (which my ADHD LOOOOVES!) But that is ALL it is. And he's convinced himself that I'm cheating or I'm going to cheat, even questioning past friends and stating that he doesn't trust me or believe me when I work late, even though he is welcome at anytime to call my work to verify I'm there. He says my reasons for not going to counseling are just "excuses". He tells me CONSTANTLY that the van is going to fall apart and to not drive it much, then tells me I'm making excuses to not go. Yeah, it's crummy counseling and I get more feedback talking to a friend. But if it were closer and more accessible (via buses, etc) I would GO.
Damn it, all I want to do is just be happy and married to him. I want to raise our kids (including the two kids born to him and his ex wife after we broke up who call me mommy). I want to take care of him and provide for him. I want to support him through his MS and upcoming surgeries and to help him when he needs it. I HAVE BEEN A GOOD WIFE!! Yet, all he talks about is how I crushed him, hurt him. It's like I've done nothing good the entire time we've been together. He doesn't trust me. I know my flirting in the past was cheating. It never went past flirting and never would have. I'm wondering if he's just making excuses to himself as to why he doesn't want to be with me anymore and the past issues are just convenient. Or is it some sort of control, because he does have anxiety (which he says is my fault).
I LOVE this man. God, I love him so much. But when I try to explain all of what I say here, he says I'm just defending myself. He wants only yes and no answers. He says I'm a sexual addict. Perhaps in the past, but that person who I used to be seems like a stranger. Someone else. Not who I am now. And now, I just feel like a complete failure.
So I need help. I'm begging complete strangers to please, please advise me on all of this. Ask questions and I will answer truthfully. Also, I am unmedicated at the time. Insurance doesn't cover the meds that DO work.
What do I do?