At the end of my rope and don't know what to do..

I  am hoping someone here can advise me.  I am seriously just losing it. Please bear with me if I seem like I'm rambling, but I'm just trying to give a full, complete picture here

I've been married to my non-adhd (but OCPD) husband for almost 3 years. We've been together for almost 8. In the beginning of our relationship, I was VERY immature. At 38 I had never yet really, truly fallen in love. But I fell in love with him and he with me. We were deleriously happy and content. At first.

I have a strong background of sexual abuse. Terrible, traumatizing sexual abuse that has happened since age 5 til even up to my early 30's. I was promiscuous when I was younger as a result, on drugs and pretty much had a screwed up life where I was abused.  I kept finding the same type of guy. The useless ones who didn't care for me, just wanted to own, hurt and use me. It was all I'd ever known.

But when he came, he was so so different. He understood pain and suffering as his childhood was just as traumatic.  He's steady, mellow and not easily aroused to anger and a good father. A great guy and one I love with all of my heart even when he drives me crazy.

I had, had a very prolific online life before we met, because I was very lonely and unhappy in my relationship at the time.  I had broken up with  but was still stuck living in the same house as my ex. I didn't go anywhere, do anything but be home with the kids. So I was online A LOT.  When hubby and I got together, I still was online. Pretty sure, I was addicted to being on the internet. ADHD and all. I also had surrounded myself with sexually open and free people and was friends in real life with  several of them. Some of the discussions we would have were provocative and flirtatious, but none of them interested me that way. THey were just interesting people. I didn't want their lifestyle.

After I got with Josh, after the first few months, my depression and ADHD would send me right back to the computer and phone. He read some of the convos and to say the least, he wasn't happy. I caused him a lot of pain. He says I broke his heart.  I never even understood WHY I did it at the time. But often, without realizing it, I would fall back into those same patterns. Over the years together, I would sometimes text flirtatiously with meaningless men and try to hide it. I didn't want these people. I didn't care about them. I DID however, want the stimulation and for people to want me, even though I didn't feel the same about them. I understand NOW why I did these things was from the years of sexual abuse and conditioning. I was seeking self validation in unhealthy forms. And ADHD was most likely a big part of it, too.

My husband told me get counseling or else. And I tried. Many times. With work, kids, a breaking down vehicle and the counseling halfway across town, it just didn't happen much. I would make appointments and usually have to cancel them because there was no way I could get across town and then make it to work on time. Or he'd have his kids here and because he has many medical problems, would be asleep from pain meds or just in too much pain to handle them. So I would end up cancelling and not rescheduling. And I couldn't afford the GOOD counseling (and still can't) for someone closer to me who are REAL counselors. The people at the free sex abuse counseling just let me talk. They didn't give me much insight into anything, to be truthful. I got discouraged. I don't have real insurance. So I went to forums like this and read and read help books, including Orlov's. I made conscious decisions and changed patterns. I avoided men. I focused on family and spouse. I stopped talking to EVERYONE just about. I stayed home and only went to work and home again. The last time I spoke to someone in a manner that wasn't appropriate (Flirtatiously) was back in 09. I have been and still am a faithful, happy spouse. I must state here that I have NEVER had sex of any kind with anyone else since I have been with him. Eight years and counting and I have no desire to with anyone else either. I am happy, VERY happy to just be monogamous. I don't want to flirt or repeat past offenses. He has all of my passwords and is welcome to look at my phone or conversations at any time and he knows this. I have NOTHING to hide. Even my past, which I hid from him from utter shame for so many years is now out and in the open.

My husband however, wants to call it quits now and says we will just "Be friends". Why? Because after so long, I re-opened my Facebook. I miss seeing what's going on with family and friends/acquaintances. I'm lonely and want someone to talk to. He has MS (and many other awful things) so he's often drugged out or sleeping all day, when I'm awake. I come home from work at 11:30 pm and can't stay up all night to talk to him, because I'm often back up early in the AM watching my step kids. I'm also starting an art business and wanted to network. I had shut down my Face book before because I had been flirting with a guy on there. That person is no longer someone I waste my time with and isn't on my FB and never WILL be again. I only have friends, coworkers and family on there now. The only single men on there are a few coworkers who are under the age of 25, the same age as my sons. I think of them in a motherly only fashion, because, well... Eww. Anyone under the age of 35 just seems like child molesting to me. I'm 44 soon to be 45. (My husband is 40 and that's plenty young enough for me!) He says, I'm too stressful and I'm causing him anxiety and going to give him a heart attack. I think HE Needs counseling, frankly. 

Maybe it's just the ADHD, but I'm not understanding WHY, after all of these years of being a good, dedicated, loving, MONOGAMOUS wife, that he's wanting to push me away. He told me not but a week ago, that he doesn't have any fears or worries. Now, I have Facebook up and he's complaining I'm always on my phone or spending too much time on Facebook. Yes, I'm catching up and I did just get a new shiny phone (that he pushed at me to get) with tons of games and apps (which my ADHD LOOOOVES!)  But that is ALL it is.  And he's convinced himself that I'm cheating or I'm going to cheat, even questioning past friends and stating that he doesn't trust me or believe me when I work late, even though he is welcome at anytime to call my work to verify I'm there.  He says my reasons for not going to counseling are just "excuses". He tells me CONSTANTLY that the van is going to fall apart and to not drive it much, then tells me I'm making excuses to not go. Yeah, it's crummy counseling and I get more feedback talking to a friend. But if it were closer and more accessible (via buses, etc) I would GO. 

Damn it, all I want to do is just be happy and married to him. I want to raise our kids (including the two kids born to him and his ex wife after we broke up who call me mommy). I want to take care of him and provide for him. I want to support him through his MS and upcoming surgeries and to help him when he  needs it. I HAVE BEEN A GOOD WIFE!! Yet, all he talks about is how I crushed him, hurt him.  It's like I've done nothing good the entire time we've been together. He doesn't trust me. I know my flirting in the past was cheating. It never went past flirting and never would have. I'm wondering if he's just making excuses to himself as to why he doesn't want to be with me anymore and the past issues are just convenient. Or is it some sort of control, because he does have anxiety (which he says is my fault).

I LOVE this man. God, I love him so much.  But when I try to explain all of what I say here, he says I'm just defending myself. He wants only yes and no answers. He says I'm a sexual addict.  Perhaps in the past, but that person who I used to be seems like a stranger. Someone else. Not who I am now.  And now, I just feel like a complete failure.

So I need help. I'm begging complete strangers to please, please advise me on all of this. Ask questions and I will answer truthfully. Also, I am unmedicated at the time. Insurance doesn't cover the meds that DO work.

What do I do?

 

 

leopardprints67,

First of all let me tell you how deeply sorry I am to hear that you were sexual abused,I in my younger years I did not get away either, I was interfered with in a touching manner, but I overcome that now.Fiirst thing you need to do is try to put your past behind you,don't let it hold you back from your future,which clearly I see you haven't.I understand that you also have ADHD which is double stress for you and I feel it for you!,but,in life we must throw the past behind us to have a better future,and clearly I could understand where the Facebook,flirting,and the wanting attention came from,it's a mixture between the abuse and the ADHD,I am with my ADHD husband for over a year now and if I don't give him all the attention he needs and more he threatens to leave me!"FOR THAT" so I try my best but "nothing"I ever do pleases him"NOTHING" if I cook great meals,clean the whole entire apartment from top to bottom,buy things for him"nothing"Is ever good enough for him.What I am trying to tell you is you must appreciate your husband for the good things, and so far as you stated he has done nothing bad to you other than sleep under medical conditions, which I am sure you were aware about that before getting together with him,I find you to be defending your self a whole lot, and that alone tells me your control is not in your hands.You need to do what is best for you and your future holds your every effort at hand,"TAKE"your medications,go for counseling for "both" the sexual abuse and your ADHD issues ,but, you must "not" discuss this"sexual abuse" with no one else other than your counselor/therapist, because if you go telling people about that you won't be able to put it behind you and the wrong advise is the last thing you need right now.That's what counselors are there for to help "us,,,,,,,,"get a relative or family member to take you with a car so you can go and get help! "stop" all the Facebook for good and do other things,it's not good for you with your condition and the things you've been through,stop "all" male contacts regardless to if it is "just" a friend try and put your focus on "only" your marriage..why? because you love him and said it your self.okay so do the things to divert all the necessary attention "on you" again and he would not leave you..

leopardprints67's picture

Thank you for responding.

Thank you for responding. It's appreciated!

The sexual abuse I went thru was...intense to say the least.  And for a long time, it DID mess me up hard core. I refuse to let it touch me now because all I do is empower the people who did this to me if I do.

And yes, the flirting and lying was a combination of those factors. But again, it's the PAST. Not my future and not my present. I understand fully why I did what I did. It had nothing to do with Josh. It had everything to do with ME. He was not to blame for it and I never once ever tried to. I accept what I did was wrong. It's my cross to bear, but I don't need to carry it around like a hair shirt, constantly blaming and hating myself for it either. I have regrets and resolutions. I am proud of my progress.

As for your husband, his problem is himself. Not you. Unfortunately, people with ADHD don't tend to see the hard work others do for them because it's outside their "self" radar. Frankly, I'm not sure if he knows WHAT he wants and he's blaming you for it. That's definitely unfair. Don't go jumping through hoops to please him. He needs to learn how to please himself and be happy with himself.

My husband hasn't been perfect. As a result of my flirting online or other issues, we broke up a couple times and he sought his ex immediately (like the next day!) who purposefully got pregnant the second she opened her legs in an attempt to get him back. I have accepted both of the children born from these unions. They're 4 and 2 1/2 and while they drive me insane with their energy sometimes, I love as much as I love my own children. They call me mommy and the thought of being away from them tears me wide open.

He wasn't this disabled when we got together, but he's started going down hill badly about 4 years ago. He can't take care of them and their mother isn't fit to care for them herself. So I take care of them when they're here, until it's time for work, then wake him so he can take over and my 15 year old daughter helps out and his older ones when they can.

As for defending myself, I've been a doormat my whole life. It's about time I DID stand up for myself.  I am NOT that person. I am not the flirt I once was or the broken, abused woman who felt her body and face were all she was. I made a conscious choice, when I saw what I thought were merely harmless flirtations  hurt my husband so much. It's been several years and I have been a good wife. I've shut men down FAST when they have bothered to approach me to flirt. I wear my wedding ring proudly and don't even give another person so much as a covert look. He KNOWS this. He's admitted to it.

As for the medications, I was on Wellbutrin 300mg a day til the side effects (suicidal thoughts) got me. I'm on public aid since my work insurance is so shoddy and is already run out from the prescriptions I had. Public aid doesn't cover ANY ADHD meds other than Wellbutrin. And I've already tried Concerta, Strattera, Ritalin, etc in the past with not so great results. Adderall was the only thing that worked for me and now, I can't get it and I can't afford to pay out of pocket for it.

In our area, unless you have cash or private insurance, forget about counseling. I tried to talk to the one public aid accepting counselor and unless I'm ready to off myself or have other issues like severe bipolar or schizophrenia (which I don't), they won't help me. I just got off the phone with them. The minute they hear sexual abuse, they dump me off on the rape counselors. They're sweet over there, but I've asked questions about WHY I did what I did or how to stop it and no one had an answer. They just give you a "safe space" to vent. At the cost of gas and the failing vehicle, it just didn't seem worth the trouble of trying to get there. I want a psychiatrist or therapist. And there is no one else who can get me where I need to go. I have no real family here, other than my children and they don't have working cars or time. Trust me, I've tried every avenue I know of, but he refuses to see this, it seems. 

As for Facebook, I have kids and family out of state and some of my coworkers, plus a few real friends that I've had for decades, who are female.  And in my business, I can't just stop ALL male contacts. I'm an artist. I have to talk to people to network and some of them are going to have penises. I can't help that. I CAN help how I regard and communicate with them, which I have been for the past 3 years.  

I just don't see why he can't finally put the past aside so we can start living. I don't throw his children in his face. I don't throw his mistakes in his face. I don't. It's not fair and it's useless. I just want the same. I just want us to be happy without having to hide myself indoors and keep isolated. I want us to LIVE now. Not die from the past.

 

I am truly sorry you have to go,

I am truly sorry you have to go through all the things you are going through,but,your husband seem to be looking for something that you are "not"fulfilling for him, and if you say that he ran straight to his ex after one "day"of separating then something is clearly not appealing to him? I won't know only you would know that.He seems to not be happy with you and just can't come clean but,love you enough not to let you go,or hurt you.

My husband is the exact ADHD type, and symptomatic signs keep accruing in him,all the time but, I have faith in god and only "him"GOD knows why he is allowing me to be at this place in my life and you never know may be you too.Your husband seem to be lacking some sort of connection with you or sometimes proper communication could be a "true"cause of the things we go through, bedsides' ADHD and the effects of it.Since I've been letting my husband know how I truly feel he is a bit more sympathetic to my feelings and I could see his efforts in making change. 

Making "change"is what I am after with my husbands effort "only"to do so,else it's no good. good luck I wish you only the happiness in life and never a sorrowful time,, after all we are only here for a short time.Don't worry things will get better trust in god!

Jealous Hubby

There are lots of ways to stay in touch with friends, and also appease your husband.  It's understandable that he worries that you'll lose yourself again, and when one has MS the last thing you need is stress, so he's probably super-wary of the possibility that you'll jump back in to the flirting, etc.  (Like it or not, a past that includes the possibility of others - whether from long ago or more recently is really hard to get past.  You've been able to do it with the kids - and that's great - but that doesn't mean he can.)

So try some of these ideas:

  • call your family and business acquaintances, rather than Facebook them
  • start a Linked In account for your business contacts - this is a much less "social" environment, less likely to be of concern to your hubby
  • close down your solo page and start a joint Facebook account that you both look at together - it will be completely transparent
  • rather than be irritated with your husband's concerns, take them as a sign he cares and is afraid.  See if this helps you figure out a path that might work
  • make sure you are spending good, quality time with him when he's available so he can see how much you care (sounds as if you both would benefit from some "attending to each other" romantic time

Personally, though you haven't done anything bad yet, I think there is a hint that his concerns might be well founded when you say that he's never available for you (he's sleeping) and you're essentially bored.  Find other ways to appease that boredom than to put yourself into a situation which might, in the future, compromise your relationship.  Even consider doing something new - writing a book, taking up a hobby, etc.  You'll be happy you did, I think.