Yesterday, I finally took that dive off the diving board. I told my husband of 2.5 years that I was moving to Georgia to be close to my parents and my brother and his family. Like so many non ADHD spouses, my relationship with him has been very difficult. I went from being the center of the world for 3 months to nothing overnight. I probably should have run then, but I kept coming back. I have known him for more than half my life (I will be 39 this year) and we reconnected after many years of no contact. We used to be the best of pals, and then things developed into something more about 5 years ago.
Some background (as condensed as I can make it).
DH and I were friends (nothing romantic, however there were crushes there for both of us) for many years, and then I met someone and got married. We moved away and I had no contact with DH for about 13 years. I moved back to my home town, and while I loved my then husband dearly - we decided that we made better friends than spouses, so we made the decision to end our marriage. We didn't do it right off, and in fact we shared finances and a home for a couple of years just fine. Then I reconnected with DH through online media (hello Facebook!) and we quickly re-ignited those old crushes. It was a revelation to both of us that we each had a "thing" for each other. For 3 glorious months of phone and email and instant messaging love, constant attention and deeply romantic words - I finally made the trek up to where he lived for the weekend. It was amazing. For one night. The next day, things went to hell in a hand basket. He pretty much ignored me, and then didn't even want to sit next to me. I decided to leave early. He called me and asked me to come back saying he was just tired and didn't understand why I felt how I felt. I thought maybe I was crazy. But the constant emails, texts and phone calls dropped. Hardly any texts. Phone calls went from 2-3 hours at a time to 2 minutes TOPS (I did the math - I am nuts like that). I really sensed something was wrong. But wanted to give it another try - thinking that maybe all these years of "longing" just made things.. well weird. I came back up - he was nice, but no one would EVER have known he was my boyfriend if I didn't specifically tell them. We do historical recreation events, and have a ton of mutual friends, so I went back up the next weekend since the plan was one of those events. It sucked. But I managed to make a promise to his mom and daughter to come back. So I did. And I should not have. Pretty much since then I have felt like I was unwanted and tolerated. I really went back for the mom and daughter (both of them I adore) and the first sense of family I had had for many years. And well, I was stupid in love - you know - when you cant see the ground anymore from being so in love with someone? You can make every excuse in the world to make things OK. But eventually - I had to just ask why he kept asking me to come back. So many times I would just turn around and want to drive back home, and then I would remember that I made someone a promise to go to a party, or a dinner or what ever. So I would head back up. I guess I used that as an excuse to try one more time. This got pretty old, and finally I told him that maybe we should not continue anymore that I deserved more than a few texts and some 2 minute calls and to spend my weekends driving hours to his house to be ignored. This went on until he lost his job - and suddenly he became attentive and considerate. I know - I am so blind and stupid. I just could not imaging that this person who I loved so much and had known for so long would look at me as a lifestyle option and not someone worth love. So- this goes on, and those of you married to or involved with a partner who is ADHD and knows it and still doesn't bother to even take their meds... well you know how it is. You know the struggles. How their actions make you feel ugly, unwanted, unloved, not worth the time of day. The best part was when my ex died unexpectedly and horribly (we still had not divorced yet, but were going to file so he could buy a house) he bailed on me. Told me point blank 1 month after I had lost my dearest friend that World of Warcraft was more important than being with me. He kicked me like a dog at the worst part of my life. And you know what? I forgave him. I sucked it up, and put my grief aside, and I babied him and his needs. He just did what he wanted from there. Porn, video games, breaking every promise he made to me, constant lying (everything that had been going on and he said he would stop - the text book crap that ADHD spouses put us through) - anything to not have to talk to me, or help me or god forbid be with me in any romantic sort of way (taking care of himself was FAR better to him and still is). It made him "uncomfortable" when I was distraught over loosing my ex. (we were the best of friends).
He even said he had to call his mom when I asked him to kiss me because it had been so long...
I still married him. I was a fool, and I know it. I just was so broken in my life, and so crushed that I had no strength and was weak, so I stayed with him, and put aside everything I needed to focus on his needs. We went to counseling, and his mother begged me to stay. So I did. He was diagnosed ADHD and was prescribed medication. But he doesn't bother to take it regularly. Even when I have begged him too. Sad thing is - he finally treats me as nice as he treats his friends. But that took 5 years. And he still has no interest in my romantically. The only time he ever showed true passion for me was the first night I came to see him, and one night when he got drunk. And then after that he refused to even have a drink with me (even though he would drink with friends). I feel so low, and I feel like nothing more than a blip on his radar. I know that when I am gone - he wont care. He wont worry, he wont even think about it. That I am gone wont even register. And that what hurts the most. He is acting like everything is perfectly fine and normal. I am trying to as well until I go just to keep the peace. But, its very hard seeing the person who I do very much love not even blink or show any emotion what so ever that I am leaving. He is so matter of fact about everything. So many times I we had those deep heart to heart conversations. So many times he promised me that he would do better. Said he wanted too. Now I see it for what it is, stalling me and figuring I would just deal with it and he could go on living and doing what ever he wanted. I made life for him extremely easy - I read Melissa's book, and for the past six months have been really trying to put things in perspective and not let my anger get me. I gave him all the tools he needed, I upped my patience to the level of sainthood. I very calmly explained how things made me feel and how I was trying to separate the ADHD from him, and that I needed his help - needed him to do his part to control it. I gave him options. I told him that if he felt he couldn't do it it was ok and I was not going to force him, but that I could not go on anymore. My mother is in Georgia, and has stage 4 cancer. Every minute I am here trying to safe this relationship (working my ass off to do it) is a sacrifice of a minute with her. I told him two weeks ago that I wanted to support him in his efforts, but that him not taking his meds, and not following through with his promises to me or the counselor made me feel like the sacrifice wasn't worth it. He said he understood and was going to do better. He even read 3 whole pages of the book. (it was a miracle) but then that stopped too. He took his meds for like 2 days, then "forgot" again. Yesterday when I told him that I could not do this anymore since he wasn't doing his part, he didn't even seemed surprised. I honestly believe at this point that he was with me for the lifestyle (I make significantly more than he does, and in fact - he was "retired" for 3 years after he lost his job - that was when he suddenly started being nice to me and said he wanted to be with me).
I am very very angry, and I am sure that once I get through this sadness and hurt that my anger will fuel me and keep me strong. But right now - I am just very hurt. Its funny, because I think that I have mourned this relationship for years. I cant even count how many times I have felt like this. But this time - it will be the last time. I am going to push through this.
I have stupid fantasies thinking that something will click and he will suddenly feel all that love I wished was there. That he would start reading the ADHD affect on Marriage book and start taking steps to control his condition (I cant do it for him). Hell if he did? I would stay. I would change my plans and help him in any way that I can. But its just a fantasy. And I know that now. So - where do I even begin to try and heal? I know so many of you have been through this, but it seems from the comments that those who make it through successfully are a very small percentage. Most of the comments I see are people who have tried for years and are still having the same conversations and the same problems. I don't want to live like that anymore. I love my DH - but I know that love is not returned. I told him that I know and have accepted that I wont be anything more than someone he used to know (like that stupid song..ugh). That he will go on, and it wont even phase him until he gets inconvenienced by having to change how he spends.
So - here I am. And I am raw and bleeding. Again. Like so many other times. I need to find a way to stop the bleeding while I still have blood left! Thankyou to everyone who posts here. Even when you dont have solutions or fixes. It helps to know I am not alone and that I am not freaking crazy.