Hi, I am new here. I have been reading the blogs and feeling a strange comfort in knowing that other people are facing some of the same problems that my wife and I are facing.
First a little background. I met my wife four years ago and fell deeply, madly and very quickly in love. (like most add people do) We got married, bought a house and now have two children. It all happened very fast.
Throughout the short courtship, I noticed quirks about her personality that made me wonder about her organization and prioritizing skills. She was quick to make assumptions about other people and to shift blame away from herself onto the nearest object.
I soon became that object.
At first, I thought there were things about my person I had to change. I had to cut out some bad habits, pay attention more to my surroundings and take better care of the things I own and care for. And these are things that I am still working on. In my quest to change behaviors to save the new relationship I stumbled upon the fact that I may have undiagnosed ADD. I also learned that my wife displays a lot more of the traits of severe add than I do. Somehow along the way I have been able to control my ADD by becoming an organizer (personally and professionally) I forced myself to be accountable to my choices and also understood that my choices affect other people’s lives, and I have to take into mind other people before making life choices.
My wife has not reached this point. She is still in denial about having ADD.
She is extremely emotional and angry and her anger is displayed in grossly offensive language about me, my family and anything she believes I hold dear.
Although after hours of arguments and finger pointing she will admit that she needs help and has an anger issue. If we talk about the same subject the next day she tells me that she would not be so angry if I didn’t piss her off so much.
She is quick to offend and even quicker to forget she offended and wondering why you are pissed off.
This is where I first noticed the serious lack of focus. She attempts to run a business and has had a business license for over 8 years. When I met her I thought this was a sure sign of responsibility, until I got to know her and saw how she is running her business.
Two major issues:
- She gives treatment but doesn't collect money.
- It is a common occurrence for us to receive a handwritten letter with a check stating “I hope this is how much I owe you. Tried calling and emailing but no answer”
- She sets appointments and forgets
- Clients of hers spend 30-45 minutes regularly waiting for her to arrive, that is if she hasn’t already canceled on them.
When I realized how disorganized and irresponsible she was treating her clients and her business, I stepped in and tried to help. I helped her organize a business plan, set a website up, automatic emails and provided her with a tracking system to keep track of her appointments.
I also took out a business loan in my name to help her cover some of the expenses of the business. (I know, I know.. but a fool in love)
Fast forward three years. She never implemented anything I gave and I have defaulted on the loan because she did not repay me.
The latter part did cause a lot of resentment from me. I could not understand how a person could take money from someone they loved, tell them they would pay them back. Then, when it was time to pay the monthly installments start fights over how I demand money from her.
Those fights were monthly, she never paid. Until I defaulted on that loan and some other credit cards I was using for her business and home goods.
Of course, her opinion is that I defaulted on those credit cards and that loan because I overspent and used my money poorly. It had nothing to do with her breaking her word.
Until this day her reason for not paying that loan was that she believed that I “had it covered” Even though I told her very clearly that I did not. I told her in conversation, written in letter form, I even took her for a very slow walk around the block before we got married explaining to her our finances and my need for help before I went under water.
I went underwater.
Its ok though, everything is a learning lesson and I learned to not overextend myself emotionally and financially.
Before the birth of our daughter, she saved up several thousand dollars. She informed me that this money was going to help her pay for her car, insurance, and rental property bills.
She makes most of her money through a rental property on AirBNB. Her responsibility for this property is mainly paying the mortgage and utility bills, making sure the listing is rented and cleaned by a housekeeper.
She manages to accomplish these goals (with the help of her mom) But this distraction is so important to her she took all her savings and set it aside for an upcoming mortgage balloon payment and remodel. She has become fixated on the possible future value of the property and has deprioritized paying for her bills.
But wait there’s more.
Since the birth of our last child in April she has been able to stay at home without working. I can pay the mortgage, utilities and basic goods.
Now she is telling me she cannot pay for her end because she doesn’t have any money. She won’t admit that she is saving up her money to remodel and use her rental property and her business location.
When I bring it up to her, she tells me that I “play” in stocks. When I inform her that I have that money available to spend for our family when needed, she moves on to the next point of assault.
I know being a mother is extremely difficult, i believe there is such a thing as a 4th trimester, but my wife has had these problems since before the children, they have doubled upon themselves with the addition of more responsibility.
KEEPING HER WORD
Which brings me to the most important issue that I have, and what has brought me to this site. My wife cannot keep her word. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt and think that she has severe undiagnosed ADD. The alternative would be that she is purposefully using me for financial stability and an emotional punching bag.
In anger, she called me a psychopath, sociopath, gaslighter, verbal abuser a bad husband, bad father and an overall bad man.
The words don’t hurt like they used to.. but now I am wondering how far her projection goes.
We are in counseling, but I am pretty sure she needs individual therapy to get past traumas.
I don’t trust her and I am very sad about it. No matter how hard I try. It is never enough.