I have made the decision to leave and let me tell you, it's almost refreshing to know it's not about ADHD.
I have realised recently that through all my efforts in trying to help him, my mental and spiritual health has taken a back seat. I have over the past few year become a resentful and angry person who I don't like very much. The first realization I have had is that I cannot help someone who doesn't want to help himself. I am encouraging and try to be a good teacher for him. He on the other hand never takes action to help himself. For example, the meds he is on now was working for concentration but seems to be hurting him in other areas. This has been going on for over a month. Days and Days turn into weeks and weeks and he has yet to call his psychaitrist. If he doesn't care about his mental health enough to take action, how can I help?
I then realized that he is in fact passive agressive. I know that most ADHDers display signs of passive agression but I truely believe that my ADHDer is. Example: I just got back from a camping road trip with my girlfriend. I have yet to put away the camping stuff that goes into storage because that is "his territory". Last night I ask him, before I left the house, when he would be able to help me put it away. He asked me what time I was getting home because he wanted to put it away for me. This makes no sense of course and I ask why he feels the need to always do everything as a "suprise". Anyway, I leave (and knew he was going out to) then get home about 3 hours later. Not only is the camping stuff still sitting out but he is not home and doesn't get home until about an hour after me. He then proceeds to do his nightly "routines" then goes to bed all the while the camping stuff staring him in that face. I don't get it.
Additionally I realized that he is never going to let me in or even let me help him. My ADHDer grew up in a household that does not talk about anything serioius let alone emotions or feelings or even helping each other. This has transfered to our life. He almost never shares his feelings with me. Example: yesterday he texts me that his grandfather is in the ICU. I of course ask him if he ok and to please keep me updated. When he gets home from work later, and also keep in mind that we are openly not doing good as well, comes through the door in a hyper mood with emotions that could indicate that he won the lottery. I ask him are you not worried about your grandfather? Are you not thinking we have more to talk about? When anything is bad he, like his mother, totally ignores it, pretends it is not even happening and literally live in a world of delusionality. If this is his defense mechanism and if he hasn't by now, he will never let me in. Furthermore, he appreciates all that I do for him yet never lets me help him. I don't even want to get into that one.
What I have realized over the past few days, and what is most important, is that I am leaving him for the non-ADHD things. There are some personality traits that he will never been that I have realized I cannot live forever without. Just like any relationship when it ends, he simply is not giving me what I want. We are not married, only engaged and do not have a wedding date set. It was postponed indefinitely at the beginning of this year.
I think a lot of our judgements in here get clouded by the ADHD and it is hard to seperate our significant other from ADHD and their personalities because ADHD is such a large part of their personalities. All I know is that my mental health is declining and I can no longer be with a person who gives almost nothing back. He doesn't even give me the exciting parts of ADHD. All he can offer is his love and that worked for a while. But now, and as I get older, I know what I need in a partner and it is definitely more than just love. This is going to be hell on him but I cannot keep living in my hell. I have to move on.