I have been engaged for approximately one year to a man with ADHD. We have been in a relationship for three years. At first I did not notice his symptoms; I thought he was just very energetic and spontaneous. After knowing him for three years now, I am beginning to realize that these qualities are not going to change. He is extremely messy and rarely helps with chores. He had a gambling problem which stopped, however I am always afraid that it will return. He is been pulled over numerous times for speeding and had his license revoked. He also seems to be addicted to pornography. I cannot explain why I am with this man. He's charming and adorable. I am extremely afraid to get married. I'm afraid that our children have ADHD or autism. I imagine that our lives will be great together. I keep focusing on the positive things, like how he stopped gambling. Sometimes I do feel more like his mother than his fiancé. I love his spontaneity and enthusiasm for life, however I wonder if it is compatible with the type of life that I envision. I feel very alone and cannot really describe these feelings with my family members. I have a counselor, but feel so guilty having these thoughts. At the moment, we live in separate states so it is very hard for me to assess how our relationship will be once we live together. I am at a loss and I'm really struggling with my decision to get married. Most of the time I'm very optimistic. But every so often I have a day where become very scared, terrified. I read people's comments on this forum and can relate tremendously. I feel like my brain is telling me to run. My heart is telling me to hold on. I have never been so conflicted. Fortunately, we have not made any definitive wedding plans yet. However we will not be together for at least a year and it is very difficult for me to assess our relationship apart. I am really struggling and could use some advice. Thanks.
Engaged but no wedding date
Submitted by Amberorchid on 07/09/2014.
Remember
Submitted by Standing on
Hi, After 10 years, my thoughts are:
Remember that you cannot change him. Also that the first blush hormonal romance and the hyperfocus do wear off and then life gets very, very real. Read everything you can find on the topic and then, if you are still considering marriage, seek extended premarital counseling. Blessings to you!
Sage advice
Submitted by NLKohlenberger on
Amberorchid,
Standing has given you very sage advice here. I, too, recommend that you read all you can about ADHD, including the books mentioned on this site, The ADHD Effect on Marriage by Melissa Orlov, and the second one by Melissa and I, and Ned Hallowell's Driven to Distraction so that you can have some objective information about what you are walking into. I am a woman with mild ADHD who is married to a man with much more intense ADHD, and I wish I had known a lot more before I got married. It's not to say that I would have done anything differently, but I certainly would have understood a lot more about what I was walking into in advance.
Keep in mind, as you read comments on this site, that everyone with ADHD is different, so as they say, your mileage may vary. But many of the symptoms, such as distractibility, lateness, disorganization, ability to live in chaos, inability to finish what they start, problems with employment, moodiness,social awkwardness, and time management problems (just to name a few) exist for so many ADHDers. Are these issues you can live with?
Living in different states makes it challenging to know if you can actually live together. You might want to work with a counselor by Skype or conference call (something I do for clients who are out of state), to see if you actually are compatible enough to make it work. The bond between you needs to be a very strong one so that you can feel assured that you can overcome any of the usual challenges that come along in such a union. Expect that it will have these challenges built in, and you'll be better prepared when the time comes. Many people have made these marriages work. It's important to know that there is real love that can withstand what comes your way.
I wish you the best.
Do you have any openings for
Submitted by Amberorchid on
Do you have any openings for couple's counseling? We both have insurance and it would be great to do some counseling over skype. Any recommendations would greatly be appreciated.
Contact Information
Submitted by NLKohlenberger on
Amberorchid,
I'd be very happy to entertain the possibility of counseling with you and your fiance. I suggest you go to my website at https://transformurlife.com/. You can fill out the "Contact" page, and I'd be happy to get back to you right away so we can set up a conversation to discuss the details.
I look forward to speaking with you. And by the way, I think what you have said below shows a lot of wisdom.
My best to you.
engaged and conflicted
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I am extremely afraid to get married. I'm afraid that our children have ADHD or autism" This particular phrase jumped out at me when I read your post. The others gave you some great advice about marrying someone with ADHD. Actually, I SINCERELY wish I had known about my husband's ADHD before we got married. (we've been married 31 years, husband diagnosed 8 years ago) Living with an undiagnosed and undertreated person with ADHD is great at times, but I have to admit, the stress and difficulties of the ADHD can FAR outweigh the positives of the "good" sides of them. A LOT depends on whether your fiance is REALLY ACTIVE in his own treatment. He needs to take his meds and also go to counseling. Actually both of you need to have ADHD behavioral counseling. That's what Melissa's book talks about.
My husband does NOT and has never done behavioral counseling before. We are just starting to see someone now, but I had to cancel our first appointment because DH had something else planned. (typical ADHD) Anyway, I hope we get to the next appointment.
I am concerned because you are struggling SO MUCH with this already. Marriage can compound that a hundred-fold. I watched marriage and children stress my ADHD husband out so much, he couldn't handle it. I think that's partly why he dove into work. He is a classic workaholic, but with his ADHD, he has sabotaged his career in many ways. He's been VERY faithful in keeping jobs, and paying bills, (most of them late), but it hasn't been like many of the others that are chronically unemployed.
I did what you did. I tried for all these years to only focus on the positive, and THAT kept me going. I loved him and I somehow tried to convince myself that I could LOVE him enough for the BOTH of us. I was going to be everything he never found in another woman, and make him feel like a worthy competent man, since he had low self esteem. Well, IT DOESN'T WORK. They don't get it. They don't understand how MUCH their spouses do for them. After giving ourselves completely OUT.....they will ask things like...."What have you ever done for me?" OR........."Why don't you have anything left to give me?" With their focus changing so rapidly, they loose focus on the person who loves them the MOST. It's been heartbreaking for me and for so many others on this site.
I do wish you the very best, and hope you take Nancie's advice. Read EVERYTHING you can get your hands on, and keep your eyes wide open. Our hearts can override out brains sometimes.....I know MINE did. LOL....I wish you the best.
This is only my story, and
Submitted by copingSAH on
This is only my story, and everyone's story differs. I married a man with ADD not realizing he had ADD. He pursued me intensely starting May; engaged in August, and convinced me to move in shortly after his mother's death in October of the same year. In hindsight, I think he needed someone to take over the "duties".
I will tell you that after the intense engagement, nothing more was said of the wedding date. He either never had time, or didn't want to discuss it, and eventually (at my ultimatum) did we even manage to elope around the 2-year mark. A very marked difference from the beginning of the courtship. Also, he could not agree to a honeymoon vacation until FOUR years after our marriage. Over the years, the focus on the soul-mate and spiritual has gone away so it is like living with a roommate with weird habits and even odder thought processes. It is hard at times to figure out if dysfunction exacerbates the AD/HD, or if AD/HD exacerbates further behavioral dysfunction.
If I had known myself better at the beginning, I would have chosen him as a friend, a lifelong friend at that, because he is charming and funny and intensely focused ONLY on the NEW and promise of stimulation. I would not have chosen him as my love partner. After 20 years of marriage, I don't think I ever got deeper than to discuss superficial topics with him. Occasionally he will have brilliant insights but it's all centered on himself and not much compassion or empathy or awareness of other's pain.
My spouse has ADD recently diagnosed, we have a child with severe autism and another is brilliant but undiagnosed with obvious attention deficits in executive functioning (schedules, chores, etc). There are days when I can handle our autistic child better than I can deal with my spouse. It is a chaotic, happy but often stressful environment, there is not "even-keeled" periods.
So.... I would say, this is not how it is for everyone, but it could be more the norm especially if your partner has some anxiety, depression, dysfunction in past, low self esteem, distraction, hyperfocus, self-medicated, dysregulation in moods, OCD, etc etc....
I would say stick with it and learn all you can if you were already living together and married... but based on what you have told us... I don't think you are aware of the full brunt of the ADHD issues. Think hard about it, I think there is a lot of sacrifice of your own involved in terms of voice, time, equality.... if you can prevent yourself from becoming a co-dependent of your partner's moods and quirks and not let it drag you down. It's only after 20 years I've even been able to detach and regain a little more of my former self.
Thank you all for your
Submitted by Amberorchid on
Thank you all for your thoughts. I was internalizing everything and it is such a relief to talk with others about this issue. I was having panic attacks but now I feel so much better. I spoke with both my father and my fiance about this issue. I never wanted to discuss it because it was such a sensitive issue, but now I've realized that I HAVE to talk about it. This is a very serious condition that could possibly impact my entire life and my children's life. It deserves proper discussion, regardless of how uncomfortable the topic is. If I am unable to talk about it now, then most certainly a marriage will not work in the future. It is so easy to avoid these topics until you have no choice.
I am going to arrange to meet with a counselor who specializes in ADHD. I love my fiance dearly but all of posts seem so sad and gloom. I'm sure in marriages where ADHD is managed properly, there are fewer problems and people tend not to be on these forums - so it sort of selects for the marriages that are not working. I am very concerned and am grateful that I am recognizing this problem prior to marriage. I appreciate everyone's honesty and willingness to discuss this difficult issue. I love the harsh reality, because the last thing I want is sugar coated information. People who have been in ADHD relationships are very wise on the topic. Now I have to sort out the biases and really delve into this with my fiance.
I welcome other thoughts and experiences!