Epiphany, Realization, Awakenings....stupidity...

I was responding to another post here, and one sentence just seem to write itself, but I had to re-read it a few times... because it was powerful.  Intense...  as in, really eye opening in how simple but how profound it was to my experience.


"Right now - I am making plans for a new life, revisiting dreams I thought I would never get to live because of putting my life on hold for someone who didnt even care enough to read a chapter in a book that could have helped save our marriage. "


It really summed up everything that has been happening in my head over the last 2 months.  I have put on hold, everything *I* wanted, the dreams and hopes I had for US and myself. 


Those things that he promised me, like roses on random days, and waking up wrapped in eachothers arms in the morning.  Holding hands while walking through the woods at a medeival event... capturing magic that we both believed in.  Growing old together, snuggling on the couch, being able to put faith into eachother.  Working together to build a financially secure life and future where we could travel the world, see EVERYTHING or just sit on the beach, watching the waves while holding hands. - NONE of which ever happened. 


Those things that I wanted for myself - like finishing my educational goals.  persuing my own goals in our shared hobby... its not much, but its some that I have put aside because I had no energy for it after spending all of it on HIM and dealing with the damage of his disorder.


We share so many interests that its scary.  We have a 25+ year friendship.  We have a marriage of 5 years, with a romance of 7 years.  We have dogs, a home, a shared hobby with shared goals, so many things we have worked and built up.


And none of that was worth him picking up a book and reading a chapter to make things better for us..... IT WASNT WORTH IT TO HIM.  I WASNT WORTH IT.  OUR LIFE WASNT WORTH IT.  all that I am, all that I gave, my very soul, my support and undying love was not worth it to him to life a finger to save.  Not even worth the time to pick up one of the many books he wanted and that I wanted and bought to read a chapter that might have opened the door to saving *us*.  I even bought him a kindle to make it easy... who knows where that even is.  He only read a letter I wrote to him because he as asked to read it IN our therapy session....  not even worth the hour it might have taken to read anything to save our marriage....


He saw us drowning and it was too hard for him to do anything about it, expecting me to carry it all.....   He always takes the best for himself, leaving me with what ever is left....  He reminds me of Glen from The Wedding Singer!


One time, we had a fight, he was going to leave - I said fine but was upset.  We worked it out.  With in minutes of agreeing that he was staying and that we loved eachother, he asked for new expensive armor for his fighting.  How did I not see this for what it is right then....


I am Stacey - the breaker of chains... (to quote a TV character LOL).  I am breaking my own chains, freeing myself of this.  I will never again put aside my hopes and dreams for someone who cant even be bothered to read a book to save us.