I'm new to the forum. I found out I had ADD minus hyperactivity with Acute Anxiety Disorder a year-and-a-half ago. My wife and I have been married for more than 13 years, and most of them have been trying to say the least. We have three daughters and have somehow managed to make it work. I've worked in a field that often lends itself to moving from one place to another, though my ADD diagnosis seems to make all of our moves make a little more sense. But I have also had my shares of job losses, layoffs. It has taken a toll in my intimacy. Wife feels neglected and "unseen." She feels she constantly has to repeat herself. And the truth is, I ADORE my wife! It's true, I forget to do things all the time. EVEN WITH A TON OF REMINDERS ON MY PHONE. I make lists for EVERYTHING and then FORGET TO LOOK AT THEM. She knows I can't help some of it, but she thinks I should have made more progress in the last year and a half than I have.
I have gone to counseling - went for over a year - but stopped when I kept forgetting appointments. I couldn't keep doing that to my counselor. And other than that, I haven't been treated much. I've tried to get in the habit of meditation and I try to get out many times a week and get physical exercise.
But she remains frustrated because I have an intense fear of conflict. As a result, I tend to avoid meetings with my boss, tend to avoid any arguments in general. She says I let people push me around. And maybe I do. I try to remember to do things and have one or two successful days each week where I make some forward progress with my life. I do take Lexapro for my anxiety. But I forget a lot. I've never been able to save money much and our credit has taken a beating through the years. Once a month, she will have all she can take of my forgetfulness or distractability and threaten to take the kids and leave, claiming I don't love her enough to change.
And today was a rough day. She had wanted me to call in sick from my job - but I had recently gotten in trouble for too many sick days - and when I didn't, she taunted me and yelled at me for being a pushover.
No matter what I say or do, I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. Tonight, she stormed out saying she didn't want anything else to do with me.
This is a cycle, and I truly am trying to change. I know I have a long way to go but I'm trying to make progress. I love my wife and my children, but I will never be good enough for her to respect me as a person. I've not been perfect, and there have been times I've TRULY messed up. I've always been faithful to her and as far as I know, she has been to me. But I get scared. I truly don't know what to do. We've moved so much and all I want is to finally STAY in one place and make some friends. It is truly lonely.
How do I continue to manage and finally break this cycle of her feeling like she wants a divorce once a month? I'm afraid one day she might actually go through with it.
Truly trying to become the man she needs me to be.
Have you suspected that your wife might have something wrong....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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And today was a rough day. She had wanted me to call in sick from my job - but I had recently gotten in trouble for too many sick days - and when I didn't, she taunted me and yelled at me for being a pushover.
No matter what I say or do, I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. Tonight, she stormed out saying she didn't want anything else to do with me.
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This really jumped out at me. You've already mentioned that you've had some job instability over the years, so certainly your wife knows that. YET, when SHE wanted something, she had a completely unreasonable request and response....one that isn't logical or justifiable. You're a parent and spouse, trying to provide for your family. You've been "talked to" at work about missing too many days. BTW....you proved that you aren't a pushover....you stood up to HER and did the right thing....but your wife is too immature to see that.
Your wife's demand and response isn't mentally-healthy. In fact, it's a big red flag that your wife is not mentally healthy. Taunting you after you made a responsible and mature decision is extremely immature. Frankly, it's something someone does when they have a personality disorder. Of course, I'm not a therapist and no one Dx's over one issue, but seriously, this is a BIG RED FLAG. Any sane person would realize that you CAN'T take a day off for a frivolous reason BECAUSE then what would happen if you TRULY became seriously sick in the next month! As it is, you'd probably have to go into work very sick so that they SEE that you're truly sick, and then get sent home.
It certainly isn't unusual for a healthy spouse to want to "throw in the towel," when being frequently frustrated by the actions of a severe ADHD spouse, but I suspect that isn't what's going on with your wife.
For about 4 years, my H began doing that to me. No matter what I did, he'd threaten to divorce me. TWICE he filed and started proceedings and cost us thousand and thousands of dollars. (the only reason he filed is because his out of state clueless brother kept harassing him to file based on half truths and crazy stories my H was telling him.) My H has severe ADHD, severe anxiety, depression, paranoia, an Axis II personality disorder, and some OCD....and he's an alcoholic.
I have been examined twice (H's insistent), and have been found to be "normal" in all categories....but I know that I do "hyper focus" on some things when I'm working, but not to any "bad" consequences. I grew up in a large loud noisy family, so I got used to tuning out noise to do homework or whatever. When I'm focused on my business, working hard, I can "tune out" noise around me, so I may not hear my H say something unless he says my name to get my attention ....this annoys my H to no end. But H babbles a lot about nothing, so I do have to tune him out a LOT when I'm trying to get something done. Because H is mentally ill, he expects me to be focused on him at all times. Now that he's retired, he has become extremely jealous of anything that takes my attention.....even caring for our pets or doing things for our kids.
Anyway, my point is that your wife needs to be examined by a therapist. She may have an issue. I would want the T to know how she reacted to your decision not to call in sick when your job is already in jeopardy over that issue. Any sane person knows that your wife would also be upset if you had taken that day off AND then you had lost your job....right??? And, she likely wouldn't have accepted responsibility for that happening. She would have likely twisted the situation into it being your fault for taking the day off, for taking too many days off before that, and for causing a situation where you couldn't take a day off when SHE wanted you to. Believe me, I can almost predict crazy behavior because I live with it.....and have lived with it for 30 years. Does your wife drink? I'm asking because booze makes it all even worse....H has been an alcoholic for about twelve years so I know how booze can make things a LOT worse..
First of all, I am so sorry..
Submitted by ADHDpilgrim on
Overwhelmed,
I am so sorry for what you have been through! I cannot imagine having had to go through some of that anguish. And to be fair, much of those sick days from work were actually health-related. I was in a bad auto accident back in January - totaled my car and I was shaken up for a couple days.
So, that had nothing to do with W. BUT, she has had that kind of attitude many times before. She grew up in a home where her parents worked for themselves and her dad came and went as he pleased, took time off whenever he wanted to. They weren't loaded or anything, they just had it made with the organization they worked for. And w has been home the whole time our kids were small. So she doesn't always get that most people don't get the flexibility to just up and leave whenever they want to. So, that has been a challenge. Also, it doesn't help that I come from a family of workaholics. And my ADD has often lended itself to me being hyperfocused with work. So I will spend entirely too much time working on things sometimes. Something I have tried very hard to balance out. Over the last few years, we tried to start a company, and my hyperfocus/workaholism nearly killed us. So, I do somewhat get the frustration.
And I have to say, right now we're okay. It comes and goes. But it's incredibly frustrating when it's during one of the blow-up periods!
She isn't a heavy drinker. We both will have a glass of wine once or twice a week. Nothing usually more than that.
Thanks so much for following up..
Thank you for your kind words...
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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So, that had nothing to do with W.
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Oh, I wasn't claiming that your previous days off had to do with your wife. and I wasn't claiming that the previous days off were for frivolous reasons.
What I was saying is that your wife was wrong to taught you about your decision not to call in sick.