Everyday is a new day

So I am the ADHD spouse, my question is: Does anyone else feel like when they go to bed after a night of arguing, once you wake up its like the night before didn't happen? I need help figuring out what wrong with me. 

That one doesn't happen at our house, Sam

No two people with ADHD are exactly alike, of course. 

It's been awhile since my husband and I have argued during an evening, but we have, and at times the argument hit right at the end, when we were headed to bed or even in bed. 

Every time, my husband has waked up the next morning wanting to go over again the positions and claims of the argument.  And he has waked up sad.   He remembers and replays his feelings, and remembers his take on what went on in the argument.  His memory of what I said and did often is very incomplete, but I, too, remember my own emotions and words best, from an argument.  People, ADHD and non, focus a lot on themselves, when they argue.  They're usually defending themselves or what they have decided reality is, in one way or another. 

So just to report back on your question, no my husband doesn't wake up not remembering an argument the evening before.  

 

 

I can't say that we are capable of going into that realm:)

Depending on the intensity and what was said, did we get some closure? did we leave it opened ended? 

I think what is going on w/ you is quiet interesting; I wonder if you have the ability to block out painful memories at will? Or if it's conscience related? What role do usually play in the majority of the arguments...The aggressor? or the defender?....If you are a willing participate in these agreements, and you are completely unaffected to some degree emotionally after 1 nights sleep, then I would guess you might suffer from some of the symptoms of alexithymia (don't recognize emotions)  or Apathy (a state of indifference) Just a guess....

C

Well, I should clarify, I don

Well, I should clarify, I don't forget the argument memory wise, but I can easily push it to the back of my mind. I do have some trouble conveying how I feel, I feel like and I think my wife would agree that I say I don't know a lot in relation to how I feel. I guess I could say its really easy for me to just want to start the next day over, like the day before didn't happen. Sometimes though I don't realize im doing it. 

Sam that's good self reflection and awareness, 78% of the battle

My wife has clinical Level add...(medicated)...Not to be comparing you two at all here, but, just as a reference, let me throw out some behaviors for comparisons.....

She plays off me in arguments, always defensive, but, will mirror me in emotions. Like it's a competitive game....(I've often wondered about what is going on in her mind, it's like a child that don't know how she should react, or is completely oblivious to why her behavior is just wrong, I've called it denial, because it's like she either can't see herself, or don't care to, because she is unwilling to work on change...

When she does get transparent, (vulnerable) which doesn't happen often, she might tearfully say things like; "I know I am hard to live with" or things of that nature....Like she has accepted that she is beyond having any ability to make changes or work toward change in any way....(Hopelessness)....

We tried a counselor, but, she stayed defensive the whole 8.5 months (she tried to make him a referee)....When he could get her to talk about her life style and choices.....The best he ever got from her was....Blame.....I do or did this, because he did or does this.....Never has she been able to discuss her rebellious independent life style calmly with ownership....That is why we suffer to have a real and healthy attachment...(She isn't the only one who has turned to hopelessness in the area of a 2=1 marital relationship, it's been 9 years and I'm just worn out)

Anyway, some times after an argument w/ me the aggressor trying to point out her behaviors and coax her out of the dark place of denial....She will get up the next day w/ a new loving attitude like the discussion/argument never happened....It's like she wants to do better, but, it usually don't last more than a few days, because her reality is just that fixed state of independence, where she only trusts herself....

Lot's of her problem is priorities, she always hyper focuses on the things that are important in her life....But the only problem there is when your priorities aren't right, you are just exposed, and you will always abandon your responsibilities, vows and all that you should be accountable for, in order to pursue your hyper focus...Hyper focus is dangerous because it can harm way more than help...Most things a person hyper focuses on will cause abuses...If this person lacks Self-Discipline or Self-Control...And in my experience that is usually the case...So then abuses of what your hyper focus is on, abuse of your own health, and abuse of your marriage partner and your real responsibilities....

Does that ring a bell with you??

C

my husband has ADHD and this

my husband has ADHD and this is one of his biggest problems.  After every fight or wrong doing, he acts like it never happened.  He even told me that "if i wanted to talk about it for my own well being, fine, but he doesnt see a point because it only makes him feel bad".  He doesn't say sorry because he doesn't like feeling worse about himself.  He doesn't respond when I try to discuss how i am feeling or bring up things from the past that have hurt me.  He just sits there or denies that the things he has done should be that painful.  Its pathetic and seems selfish to me.  God forbid I hurt his feelings or even look at him the wrong way.  He would be sure to make me hear how he feels on repeat for days on end. 

Hi mnj02021

This book I'm reading calls what you are saying here....Character Disordered....(Limited Conscience)....A quote from the book..."A common saying among Professionals is....If a person is making themselves miserable they are probably neurotic, and if they are making everyone else miserable they are probably character-disordered....

C

If the wife is going ballistic...

Terence Real, a man who is a therapist specializing in therapy for men, but also doing marital counseling, wrote this book to American men called "I Dont Want to Talk About It".   I've read it two or three times.  It told me more about the men dealing with men and dealing with women in my American workplace (I worked in a 90% male profession for decades) than anything else I had ever seen.   It also showed me some things about my own "I don't want to talk about it" depressive blocking.   Real's book was full of zingers.   Like a lot of these books based on a therapeutic model written by professionals, it had a lot of case studies in it.

Real let fly this zinger about marital counseling.  He was addressing other therapists:  "If the wife keeps showing up at the counseling sessions pissed as hell, don't presume that she's screwed up, find out what he's doing that pisses her off."   As far as I can tell, C, Real was working a version of what you just said, if a person is making everyone else miserable, they are probably character-disordered.   

Most spouses, demographically, are not AHs, nor unhinged, nor screwed up.  Regardless of human weaknesses, the major part of the population is not ready for the looney bin.  Some are, most arent.  So if one spouse is miserable while the other one is either burbling along swearing that everything's OK, he or she is perfect, he/she is innocent nothing is his/her fault, or is into finger pointing, as Real says to other therapists: find out what that first spouse is doing that creates misery or provokes continuing pissedoffedness in the second spouse.

Seems obvious.  

  

Yep...that's why I'm on this site Chevy!

When a person takes a vow for a life time commitment w/ another person, they expect that person to put in the effort...(The work you so aptly pointed out in one of your recent reply's  to me...) that they vowed to do....

When person #1 runs into the unconcern of person #2, then that usually produces the question "Why"....Why are you not keeping (doing the work) your vows to me?? And when person #1 starts producing every evil thing (excuses, blame, denial, etc etc etc...) as their answer back, that will usually produce emotion (shock, anger, disgust, frustration, stress etc. etc..etc...)  in person #1....

So as person #1 finds out over the months and years that follow, (the reality of their dysfunctional life partner) and as the patterns of abuses (laziness to their commitments) become more and more clear to them, it will usually produce arguments and unrest between them, lots of work for person #1, loneliness and abandonment for #1, (#2 is usually un-effected by loneliness because they keep their partners starving for it, so #1 usually jumps at the chance to share with #2, at least early on in the relationship....Also that's the problem anyway...#2 has replaced their partners w/ other selfish interests....

So, as the reality of #2 sets in on #1...#1 eventually has to learn to constructively manage their life around #2 (acceptance and boundaries, if not acceptance and boundaries then #1 will usually lead a miserable life as a victim w/ anger and bitterness as their closest friend, if they attempt to stay in the relationship) or make the decision to move on from the relationship...

So this is quiet the story of my life....This is the great conundrum that is always before my face in this finite world....So my question to myself is how do I stay at peace in a world filled w/ unrest, and a physical partner I can't truly trust,??

The answer became quiet clear a few years ago......Remember who is never far from me, who loves me (even though I could never deserve it)....Remind myself that this life is truly like a vapor....I must focus on myself, stay accountable for my own actions, keep my heart tender and without excuse, and remember all things work together for good for those who love God; and who are called for his purposes.....

So this forum is one of the tools that helps me to understand, I am not alone in this life style of boundaries and loneliness....It has also helped me to separate, the nuisance effects of add/adhd, from those who live a life of sin and abuse...and blame it on add/adhd...

The thing I'm working on in my own life at this moment is...Making myself stop trying to fix or own others stuff....I have to stop allowing myself to be used by those who refuse to be responsible....It's very difficult for me to just speak a word of wisdom and/or walk away altogether from dysfunction that others (esp...family members) would try to dump on me to do something about....

I didn't really realize how blinding this spirit of Co-dependency is until recently...In the mind of the dependent person, the Co-dependent's are BAD, if they refuse to submit to the bale out plan..LOL....It's been very difficult to allow myself to be looked at in this light...Even though I know it's in their best interest....(dependents will never walk, as long as they can be carried)....So my new thing is to not bale them out of their self inflicted troubles....(enabling and baling them out only guarantees it will happen again) I may have to move to Chicago or California to get away from it all....But once I speak love and truth to those who live so unwisely I'm doing my best to be done with it....

You just can't help someone who want help themselves....

Blessings...

C

Clear now

Thanks C. What you wrote here says it clearly.  I could not have lain it out better.  It is a truth that I didn't want to know but knowing the truth is better than wondering what is wrong every day and being discouraged and confused and frustrated.   You nailed it. It has taken me about 5 years to ACCEPT the truth of what you are writing here.  I was trying for 40 years to be the wife, the person who H could count on and be proud of.  He on the other hand has just been dipping into the marriage pot of emotions and strength to give to himself, his comfort, his revenge, his independence.  

Jenna, It's simple for me really.....

We humans are ALL selfish to a degree...If we weren't, we wouldn't be so bothered by the actions of others.....I think there must be qualities in me, in order for me to live a rich full life.....One of stability and with limited regrets....I think that starts with Thankfulness....Without thankfulness, it is easy to become caught up in my own wants and perceived needs, (whoa is me, the poor victim:(...When I am thankful, I count my blessings, instead of bemoaning my lack of fulfillment....My own fears dissipate when I am thankful....

My spouse is who she is, regardless of what she vowed.. And our marital oneness situation definitely suffers, w/ limited unity and limited communication...  (my former post)  So the product of 2=1 is highly effected.....But, if I allow the product of her life style and priorities to so burden me that I loose site of my blessings and everything that is good and right in my own life....Well, at that point I have made her my idol.....

Nothing about her has to wear off on me, nor me her, unless we allow it...That happens because of our own spiritual and emotional weakness....In reality what is happening to me at this point is, I am looking for Life in her.....But that can never happen, life is only found in one place....

People who make their spouse their idol, will do drastic things when there idol disappoints them, lets them down, leaves or dies, And on the other hand a person who makes themselves their idol will go from relationship to relationship seeking someone who also will make them an idol.....Because they have built on the sand...They have no firm foundation....

I love my Spouse, and I wish that there was more openness, more oneness, more ability to comfortably give ourselves to one another....But I can only effect that from one side....But if I trade my thankfulness & kindness, for desperate acts, (tit for tat, retaliation, withholding affection, harping and preaching) then my fleshly weakness has controlled my mind, instead of the Holy Sprit.....C ur self has fallen to the illusion of life being found in a person....Idol worship....

Yes, I like to focus on the fairytale also....But along w/ all the wonderful promise's....We also are promised there will be troubles in marriage...LOL, I like to read over that part...:)...When the unseen person becomes my #1 priority, then I can live thankful enough to not be the victim....Hey? that is huge! ....

Love you Jenna, and all :)

c

barneyarff's picture

It's like Groundhogs Day

My husband quite often acts like nothing happened the next day.   Even after that health insurance fiasco he acted the next day like nothing was wrong.

It leaves me very confused because it feels to me like nothing is resolved.  

And it also feels to me as though he thinks that if he doesn't mention it and acts nice, then the problem will go away.

 

Yes, if he doesn't mention it

Yes, if he doesn't mention it and wakes up the next day cheery and enthusiastic and does a couple of "nice things" - that's it - topic put away forever.  He clears his mind, is "nice" and ..... it's done.  The expectation is that I don't bring it up for more discussion and resolution because he can't change anything in the past, even if the past was the night before and even if the resolution requires two parties to talk it over in the present. 

I am right there with you guys......

Resolving is not a necessary function for my spouse either. Vagueness is often his way ie:  IDK, maybe, possibly, let's wait and see, gotta think about it blah, blah. 

I am getting better at just letting him go. Is it a marriage? No. Does he like this? No. 

The next time I have to check a box......married?   I am making a new one box..  that says.....legally or lovingly?  

HaHa....

The next time I have to check a box......married?   I am making a new one box..  that says.....legally or lovingly?  

Zapp 10 you gave my big smile and laugh for today!

Thank you!

C

Same

Hi, I'm new here.  I've been reading the forums for a few months though..  I was in a 5 year relationship with someone who I now believe may have undiagnosed ADHD.  The relationship ended very badly and I'm still trying to emotionally recover - but more on that in another post. 

Zapp10's comment really struck a chord with me.  When it came to trying to discuss an issue (especially one that only he could take action on or provide insight to) my ex would give vague answers more often than not.  "I'm working on it" or "I'll let you know" and "I'll think about it" were common and then he would go on about his business.   That would normally be fine in certain circumstances, except that he would almost never bring the subject up again.   If I brought it up again, usually after weeks or months of waiting, he would lash out in anger and accuse me of being impatient.  We did not live together so sometimes he wouldn't speak to me for days afterwards. 

He also did not want to discuss anything "from the past", no matter how much it related to or was affecting the present.  There were a lot of problematic patterns in our relationship that kept repeating but any time it was presented as an issue he would get angry and lash out at me for "not being able to move on" or for criticizing him.  I explained that I was never trying to criticize.  Rather, I was just trying to illustrate and resolve patterns that were continuing to affect us.   He did not seem to understand that though.  Ironically enough, he would bring up the past himself when it suited him, especially if it was something I had said or done.

The other habit seemed to be to start verbally running the discussion in circles.  For example, going into a long story and never getting back to the point or to a clear answer or direction.  If pressed, he would lash out.   It also happened with our couples therapist if she tried to get him to answer something directly.   Even asking him if he could please just say yes or no resulted in resistance/evasion and anger. 

It didn't seem to matter how gently I approached anything...  if I raised questions or expressed concern or dissatisfaction or had expectations around anything, first I got evasion, then resistance/defense and lastly, anger.   

He would remember the argument but, similar to what others have described, he would try to just push it aside and be loving and nice, explaining to me that he just wanted to be pleasant and focus on the positive in order feel good.  If I didn't give up and just accept his "I"m working on it" answer, then the cycle would repeat.  Unfortunately, I was left in a perpetual state of limbo when it came to trying to solve a problem.  (and they were huge problems with finances, a divorce that hadn't even been started, etc)   Hard to feel good when all that is left unresolved. 

For me it was completely frustrating and not sustainable.  Without an ability to constructively address problems and plan/execute on a solution it became impossible to move forward, hence our ultimate breakup.  :-/