I think this particular piece of advice from this forum could easily apply to all sectors of married life.
"The goal is to be the best people we can be...and see if this keeps us married. You don't want to remain married at all costs (that's the "old" way)" ~Melissa Orlov~
I choose to believe my ADHD spouse and I are both working on that.
I have set up my own necessary boundaries. I do indeed understand that it is hard for my spouse to be held at arm's length. I also understand why it is still necessary for me to hold my spouse at arm's length. I am not looking for perfection. I am looking for consistency. Only Liz will know when it is time to choose to change that dynamic. I cannot allow my own random fears, based on old thinking: "You'll ruin everything." "You are being too hard." "You expect too much." to cause me to be manipulated. Nope, I will ruin nothing. I will instead discover what I really have. Nope, I am not being too hard. I am being real. Nope, I do not expect too much. I have clear goals - not too soft, not too hard, just right!
The rose-colored glasses? Gone.
Gullible Liz? Gone; well, for the most part, LOL!!
The naivety? Gone.
Feeling manipulated by guilt and anger? Gone.
I have acknowledged what I did. I am not dwelling there.
I can say no. I can say, "I was misunderstood." I can say, "No, that is not what I said."
Yes, my wants and needs have matured and evolved. I choose to believe my own feelings and needs are important. I have learned skills to remove myself from the poor coping mechanisms of learned helplessness and feeling guilty.
I try hard to be polite, yet persistent!
That is where Liz is at, this May 7th, 2016.
I like it.