No diagnosis, this is my first time visiting the site.
We live 30 minutes from the "big city" where I work.
One day I texted H and let him know I was stopping to pick up chicken. I said, "I'm bringing home chicken for dinner. I'll be there in 30 minutes. Go ahead and start some side dishes like green beans etc."
He texted back, "Aight."
Then I texted, "It's taking a while for them to get the chicken ready, so it might be about 45 minutes before I get there, but maybe you can peel potatoes, too."
Then I texted, "Ok. I'm on my way. Go ahead and start the side dishes. See you in 30 minutes."
He texted, "Ok. I'm on it."
I got home and brought in the chicken. I set it down. He came over and picked it up, grabbed some dishes from the cabinet, and went to set the table. This is kind of odd, because he's usually not that "on" but it happens... and I don't question it.
A few minutes later he says from the dining room, "Oh. You only got chicken? You didn't bring home any beans or potatoes?"
I'm sure I didn't handle it "correctly" because I said, "No. I asked you to make them. You said you would. What part of "go ahead and make the side dishes" made you think I was going to bring them home? You even said you were on it."
That shut him down.
My therapist has encouraged me to "let things go" and just take care of me when I can.
One opportunity I took one night was that I went to bed without making the rounds of shutting down the house, locking doors, checking the thermostat, things like that. He was playing a video game and planning to stay up late so I kissed him and told him I was going to bed.
He came to bed around 3am.
I got up around 8am and smelled something weird. I went downstairs. All the lights were still on, the doors were not locked and the pot that we used to boil water for extra humidity in the house, was still sitting on the stove on high. The pot was dried up and the metal was "burning" in that it was super hot and smelled bad. We have one of those flat surface stoves so it didn't catch fire. I also think it shuts itself down to half heat after so many hours... but I'm not sure.
Another time I decided that I wasn't going to take care of everyone's everything when we took five of our kids to the pool. (two babies live with us, three live with their mom and visit very often).. We all went to the pool. I didn't care if everyone had a towel, they were in charge of their own stuff. Things like that. H was in charge of the 2 year old boy. I was in charge of the 3 year old girl. Everyone else was on their own. After a few hours at the pool, we drove home. The babies were in their car seats behind us.. the girl behind me, the boy behind H. All the other kids were in the third row seating.
We got home and, again, I didn't harp on anyone to get their suits or towels or to go take showers etc. I told H I was going to take the girl in and shower/dress her. I asked him if he would take the boy. He said he would. I took the 3 year old girl in and showered her off. I figured H would bring the boy in to get his shower before the other kids jumped in. I went downstairs and asked him if he would. He said he would. Then he asked me where the boy was. I told him that I didn't know. I had been upstairs with the girl.
After all of the kids looked around the house for a bit, H went outside to look for the 2 year old boy... he found him. In the driveway, in the car, in his car seat with the windows rolled up on a 100 degree day. He had been out there for at least fifteen minutes. His face was red but he wasn't crying. H is a paramedic and checked the baby out.. and he turned out to be fine.. but what if I hadn't "nagged" H about it???
Other examples are just me living Groundhog Day all the time. Every single conversation is a new topic. There is no picking up where we left off. There is no follow up to anything because if I want to tell him what has happened as an update to something we talked about a day or so ago.. I have to retell the beginning because he won't know who what where when from the previous story.
I feel 100% disconnected. Our "deepest" conversations are about things like the weather. I don't think he could pass a basic quiz about me.
We've been married 5 years and have two babies together, but 7 children total between us.
I can NOT tell you how many times he will ask me something that we have already talked about. Or he'll start telling me a story and I'll tell him that he just told me that yesterday.. or whatever.
Usually, we text or talk sometime before noon if I'm working in town. By 1pm he hadn't answered my texts or calls.
I got busy and I was having to work late and I wanted to let him know... but he wasn't answering the phone.
I was about an hour past my normal time to leave work... I tried to call him to let him know I was ok and to see if he needed anything from town.
I stopped at the grocery store and called before I left just to be sure we didn't need anything. No answer.
It was just him and the two babies at home. I wasn't sure if he would have fed everyone yet.. so I went by the fast food place and called him again. No answer.
I tried to call him again a few more times during my 30 minute drive. No answer.
By the time I pulled into the driveway (2 hours late), my adrenaline was up and I was more than a little nervous.
I walked into the house. The kitchen is the first room to walk into.. and I saw there were several cabinets open. I looked over and the fridge was open. I could tell it had been open for a while because the light had shut off.. which it does after the door is left open for 10-15 minutes.. something like that.
There was a box of crackers spilled on the floor.
My heart started pounding and I went through the house afraid of what I might find.. and there he was, on the couch with the remote in his hand. His phone laying there on the arm of the couch.
He smiled and said, "'sup?"
I wanted to punch him.
I asked him why he hadn't answered his phone all day...
He said it hadn't rung. He looked at it and it was on silent. Ok. I asked why he didn't think anything was "up" when he hadn't heard from me during the day... didn't he start to worry at all when I was an hour late and hadn't even let him know I had left town yet like I always do? Didn't he worry when I was almost 2 hours late? And WTH is up with the kitchen??
He looked at me as if I had three heads.
We had a pretty good fight that night because, for me, there was such a cumulation of me pushing down all of these feelings of him just not being present or caring about anything.
Another time, I called him on my way home and told him I'd be there in 30 minutes. I usually do this so I can find out if we need anything from town. He said he didn't need anything... so I said I was on my way. Well, I decided to stop at the store and get a few things so I wound up being an hour instead of 30 minutes.
I got home and the back door was locked. I don't carry a key to the back door because we never lock it (small town). I knocked on the door. Nothing.
I knocked a few more times. Nothing.
I was carrying groceries.. so I kicked the door as a way to knock louder. Nothing.
I called him on my cell phone. Nothing.
I called again. Nothing.
I put the groceries down and banged on the glass as hard as I could with my knuckles. I wasn't so sure I wouldn't break the glass or make my knuckles bleed I was banging so hard.
Finally, the 3 year old came around the corner inside the house. I could see her through the glass.. she came and unlocked the door.
I went straight to the living room and he looked up from his video game and said, "Oh. Was that you knocking?"
I said, "YES. Why didn't you let me in??"
He said, "I thought it was a neighbor kid. They were knocking on the front door earlier."
I said, "You could have gotten up to look. You knew you locked the door. You knew I was on my way home. I'm 30 minutes late. Didn't something inside your head put it together that this MIGHT be your wife who is late coming home banging on the door so hard?? Didn't something remind you that you locked me out? Didn't you think of me when you locked the door??"
He looked at me as if that would never cross his mind. He said, "You don't know what those kids were doing earlier... I thought it was them."
I said, "I don't care what they were doing. You KNEW I was coming home. You knew the door was locked. You knew I didn't have a key. Am I supposed to just stand out there till.... when?? You couldn't get up and see if it was the kids because you were expecting me home?? AND if those kids were pounding the way I was pounding, you SHOULD get up and go deal with them! Not to mention I tried to call you to tell you I was out there.."
he shrugged and pulled his phone out of his pocket and said, "Hm. I didn't hear it." He said it in such a way as though I should just take that as acceptable.
THAT turned into a 24 hour "burn" for me. I was so done after that incident. Because it was not the first time I felt totally like he didn't even remember I existed or care or think of me at all.
He does things like leaving the hose in the yard running for an entire day and night. On a normal month, our bill is over $200.. so you can imagine how my gut feels when I find a hose running and we count back and realize it has been running for at least 24 hours.
I could go on and on and on. Those are just things that have happened recently...
Again, this is my first day even knowing about this condition and coming to this board on the advice of my therapist. I'm trying hard not to "self diagnose" but reading everyone's stories, it sure is tempting to say "That's it!"
Thanks for reading. :)