I am reading a good little book called, "Soul-mates. How to Find Them and Keep Them." Here is an excerpt I would like to share which I can sense is what has happened to our marriage:
""...when you allow a person to continually take more than their fair exchange, that person will become critical and hostile towards you. The mechanism of justification kicks in and they have to attempt to excuse their misdeeds. This usually involves degrading you. When someone commits acts which they know are harmful, the mechanism of justification dictates that they then attempt to blame or criticize the person they have harmed. Rather than look at their own failings and acts of negligence or directly harmful effects, the individual attempts to direct the attention to what other people are doing, most especially the one that was harmed."
The gist is that a good relationship needs to have balance. Are you giving much more or much less to the relationship than your partner? Just some food for thought.
I think there's a lot of
Submitted by HurtButHopeful on
I think there's a lot of truth to that.
I so wanted to have more balance in my relationship. Last spring, I wrote this well-thought-out email to (undiagnosed/untreated ADHD) my BF. In it, I articulated that I was scared for the future of our relationship and how much I loved him and wanted to work on things. I told him that I felt we weren't meeting each other's needs and asked if we could help each other understand what those needs were. I then explained what some of my needs (not demands) were. Told him I knew he was often misunderstood in life and that I wanted to be able to give him the kind of love and respect he needed and that I wanted the same from him (while acknowledging that none one can give another person everything they need). I told him how important he and our relationship was to me and that I new we were both hurting. The reason I sent it in an email is because we were LD and didn't often have a chance to talk and when we did, it often turned defensive and ugly when a topic like this was broached.
So...I was proud of myself for getting that out and expressing myself in a non-judgmental/blaming way. HE REFUSED TO EVEN READ IT. He originally said he would, then decided he didn't want to because he was sick of how negative I had been...always wanting to "fix" things and work on us...so he pouted and never read it. For me, it was supposed to be a turning point in all of our struggles up to that point (at the time ADHD was something he joked about...neither of us knew anything about it or what it meant...I do now...he still does not and has abandoned our relationship completely). Instead, he just pushed it aside and of course, things got worse and worse because he never wanted to confront anything and the relationship exploded.
My point is...I tried...many times, to talk about it. Balance in a relationship requires 2 though. : (
They don't WANT to talk about the state of the union
Submitted by jennalemon on
Yes, many of us have tried and tried to talk and the OP just doesn't want to hear it. I think they don't want to put that much effort into a relationship for someone they don't respect. Our contributions have been SO out of balance in this partnership that he has to demonize me and justify himself in his own mind.
Great insight
Submitted by Jeff413 on
If your post is food for thought, you are a master chief.
I am guilty of doing both of the unbalanced things above and now looking at it in this context I have a lot more to do to balance out my marriage.
Now comes the hard part putting this into action and keeping going. Thank you for sharing your wonderful insights.
Thanks for sharing. That
Submitted by MFrances on
Thanks for sharing. That makes a lot of sense. Something to definitely think about.
So true!
Submitted by devilsangel on
This is so true. I can see it in my guy and how I treat him...but I am naturally a very giving person. I know he doesn't deserve all the patience andloving things I give him, but I find it hard to NOT do them. It's stupid really...like today, I gave him a bag of homemade cookies when he left...he went to go get gas, smoked a cigarette while he was gone and brought his credit card back to me...and gave me a nasty tasting goodbye kiss. I hate that he took up smoking and he knows it. Sometimes it feels like he's trying to be mean so that I won't be nice to him, like he feels guilty about me being nice when I should be mad at him. I don't think he quite knows what to do about it other than be a butthead. He told me once that he can be the devil himself sometimes...he was not kidding. And five minutes after he left, I got a text that says "love ya". He never tells me that anymore...I swear he's got to be wondering when I'm going to let him have it.