Hello,
My ADHD is my husband. he is 60, says he has it and has tested twice but both results came back as he doesn't has one. We have been to counseling but didn't work. Since the test results say he doesn't have ADHD, there is no treatment plan. We've been together 9 years.
My biggest issue with him is his rage, the extremely short fuse, not own his mistake and very mean. I used to think, "This is because ADHD, we just need to keep looking for a better doctor." But at this point, I am exhausted. Finding a good doctor for this issue is really hard and confusing. Since we have tried and saw some doctors who say that they treat ADHD but they were not experts.... Meanwhile, fights and arguments keep continue. At this point, I am exhausted and never been depressed like this before. I have been lonely.
Yes, ADHD is causing so many parts of our lives but even someone who has it can feel bad or sorry after he/she yells or rage, don't they? Don't they have some sort of regret and say sorry? My husband doesn't apologizes. Never. Everything, everything is my fault. Now when he angry at me, I just go to my room spend my time alone.
He says sometimes he would try a new doctor if I find a good one but how long would it take him to behave better? Or would it even work?
He spent this weekend cleaning a senior neighbor's yard. He does something good for someone but not for me. He used to call me "my lovey assistant". He was joking but it wasn't joke to me. I do all my house stuff - cleaning, all grocery shopping, refilling his prescriptions, make his doctors appointments, cooking, laundries, pay bills, weeding, watering, etc. I have asked him why he wouldn't;t help me. He said that's because he works 40 hours and I work just 25 hours.
At this point, I am not sure his mean behaviors are caused by ADHD or it might be just him.
How did you bring back yourself to move forward? I need some positive energy. It's been so sad.
Comments
Hi, Lucy.
I can feel your exhaustion.
It is difficult to say if your Husbands behavior is related to ADHD, since you say the professionals he has seen told him he does not have ADHD. Without an evaluation by a professional who specializes in ADHD, the diagnosis may not be accurate.
When you speak of his rage, never apologizing and blaming everything on you, it sounds like my ex husband. He had anger issues, and I was to blame for anything and everything that was wrong in his life. He did NOT have ADHD. This behavior is a form of emotional abuse.
I would suggest employing some of c ur self's suggestions. Set boundaries. When you said: I have asked him why he wouldn't;t help me. He said that's because he works 40 hours and I work just 25 hours. That is just an excuse. You both live in the same house, you should both contribute to how the household is run. My ex did nothing other than mow the lawn and take out the trash, and we were both working 40 hours a week, and I took care of our children too. Perhaps you have more time to do things around the house with your schedule, but that doesn't excuse him from contributing with household tasks.
Whether his behaviors are caused by ADHD or not, it still hurts.
It's him...Not adhd....
There are behaviors that are typical for people with fast minds....But the add/adhd is not the direct reason a person treats other poorly, or seemingly has no convictions to own behaviors, show remorse or apologize... (IMO)...Fast minded people ( people who struggle to organize their lives, can't track time well, who are easily distracted, people who's short term memory is terrible, etc. etc) are easily addicted to their spouses abilities (taking on heavy loads)....As long as you do for them, they will let you....Only when you pull back, set boundaries, and insist they live like you aren't present when it comes to their own personal responsibilities...Usually they will give push back, but, they will adapt....I have found out it's usually the NON's that can't adapt...Many had rather mother and enable than allow their spouse to suffer growing pains....When you set boundaries to protect against intrusive, and some times abusive behaviors, you always have to start with your self....The things you say and do that aren't completely respectful must stop....There is an old saying...People will live DOWN to match the opinion others have of them...Never truer than with many adders and their spouses....
The only time arguments, and conflict can be reduced long term, is when one of the marriage partners refuses to be part of the conflict.....Usually that's not going to be the adder...(Not always)....If a women (or man, but mostly women) see's their mothering as a sign of power in the relationship, they may find it hard to step back from it....
Thank you :)
Thank you both for the valuable comments, really appreciate it.
One thing I have been trying to find out is the accurate/correct diagnose. His son was diagnosed when he was a kid. My husband says this son who is 31 now acted like my husband when he was a kid. This is why he says he would have ADHD. 2 tests he has done was, 1 was by a physiologist but not ADHD specialist. I found him based on the review to find out what exactly my husband has and didn't go well. Another one was a social worker. His primary Dr referred her to him. One part of the test showed that his ADHD but some questionable result about his childhood so she needed to talk to his mother who, my husband feels like she would have ADHD. She said all "No" to this social workers questions and he was diagnosed as no ADHD. My husband remembered how he acted but this mother said he didn't. I thanked her for taking time for this interview and let her know he didn't have ADHD. She texted me back and said, "Isn't it what you guys wanted to hear?". I was devastated and no treatment plan.
As you said, he may not have ADHD, maybe just pure mean. Or he may have BPD or Bipolar or something. He has some concussions, migraines, food allergies... I just need to find a doctor to give him a accurate diagnose and this has been a biggest problem.
I'm sure he wants to do something about it because he says he would try a new doctor. When I changed his supplements based on his genotype result. he was calm for almost 3 months. Then he started taking 15 mg (!) melatonin which seems messed his mind since, which happened before. Now he stopped taking it by himself.
Being angry and mean to people/me is wrong. I understand. I just want to find out this is him or caused by something or leaned behavior from him parents. Meanwhile, I talked to this issue to my Dr who is a naturopath. She gave me some supplements to deal with stress and a phone number for a counseling. I am slowly started moving to take care of myself.
Thank you SO much, just get it out made me feel better.
Hope This Helps
Lucy,
I hear your sadness and hope this helps. There is also narcisstic personality disorders, yet he sounds someplace in the middle.
The fact that he would go, is good. Here are factors, (as someone married to a major ADHD) Signs of ADHD are this:
Nervous energy can can't stop doing things, Inappropriate things are often said in a crowd, can do a hundred things all at once,
yet can't remember your details. Narcissistic disorder would be: never admits he is wrong, talks about his accomplishments all of the time,
has to have his needs met most of all, before thinking about how you are feeling. I'm not diagnosing him here, I'm just sharing what I know
about those disorders. If he is willing to see an expert. go in this site and ask around for experts in the U.S. Then people will
let you know who, etc. Also, another site is www.patientslikeme.com and you can go there and find support group or an open chat
for people who need help about dealing with partner with anger issues, etc. Support is around, just go to that site, and it is free,
and you simply look up anger, partners of, etc. Sending you prayers and healing. Dont give up on YOU, even when it is lonely,
you are strong, and remember, sometimes our partners will remind us so much of family members we grew up around
who were hurtful to us. That is when we have to pause, and do work on ourselves, too. Whatever work you put into YOU,
will be for the rest of your life. Sending love.
Thank you :)
Hi Abfab18, thank you for your warm words. Really appreciate it. It is nice to hear someone acknowledge how I feel.
It's been awhile and another big rage hit me again. I probably shouldn't have but texted him a super long one, which he hates. I wrote about a new doctor I found, his melatonin intake (he probably takes 10 to 20 mg, which he shouldn't because of 2 heart meds his takes and I think it makes him more edgy.) A reason why I put vegetables in his meal even though he doesn't like them (some of his blood work were so bad.) and some more but i wrote politely. But he didn't like any of that. A long story short, he said that I didn't have any permission to make any appointments with any doctors and melatonin was just fine, didn't make him edgy. He was so mean with many "F" words in between. Basically, I texted him back with a short message said, "OK, i respect what you said."
It's been 10 days and I gave up on us. I have been trying for 9 years and now he says it's enough, leave me alone. Trying to "make" him to do what he doesn't want to doesn't make anything good and it's not my job. I should have known.
He is acting like, "Oh well... here we go again..." No, it's different. I started thinking about "ME" more and more - what makes "ME" happy? Just thinking about it makes me happy. I feel more peace in me - I don't need to mentally prepare for his temper tantrum. He is still mean and yells at me but those don't get me anymore.
Abfab18, I admire your strength, authenticity and honesty. You are one courageous human being. Thank you.
Hi Lucy....
I'm glad you've decided to give him his space and focus on you....It's something we all are better for, once we finally get to that place....The max. dosage don't mean anything to some people, (melatonin 5mg,) it's the old mindset, if a little is good, a lot is better....I agree, you just have to respect his personal rights in these matters....It will reduce both of your stress, and eliminate one barrier in your relationship....
Everyone can change, it just takes the right environment, the right life lessons (many painful), and real Love!...When I bite my tongue, and do not speak to my spouse about her choices, the better we both do as one! And, I don't get in the middle of things (stressful) that I had no part of....I become the stress free on looker, who loves her, prays for her, and hopefully can offer wise advice...(only if she seeks it)
People who struggle with life because of add/ or other personality issues, they know it....When someone is selfish (self absorbed) they know it...But most people in these category's also are in denial....Because they, like all of us, have that strong desire to feel good about themselves, they want to be loved, even if they don't know how to show it themselves....So to quietly walk away from someone who isn't capable of hearing and communicating about their reality, is only the wise thing to do....
Book suggestions...."Boundaries" Taking control of your life.....Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
"The Adhd effects on marriage" Melissa Orlov
"Safe People" Cloud & Townsend
"When too much isn't enough" Wendy Richardson MA
With books, we can learn so much valuable information, and our tendencies can become to share it.....That is something to guard against....It's good to have the books and knowledge for your own life, but, if it's looked at as unwanted, it will not be heard, then it will just cause more conflict....So patients is key....
Bless you
c
Many hugs, Lucy
It's definitely not just adhd. It's him. And I'm sorry that you're dealing with his manipulations and excuses. It's exhausting to live with.
~ Brin
Thanks :)
Hi and thank you C and Brin :)
I have read "Why Does He Do That?" Now I feel like it says the truth. My husband says he would have ADHD based on his son's diagnose but when he was tested twice, his self evaluation says no. I suspected he would have some co-existing issues such as BPD or something but at this point, it doesn't matter. He has ability to keep his job more than 30 years. He has had some HR issues because his short temper but has never fired, which means he is able to control his temper to more low level. But he doesn't do that to me. He yells, name-calls, and if I get angry and fight back, then he becomes physical. His behavior looks like even one of those ADHD short temper people symptoms. That's the only reason I was so determent to find a doctor for him/us. And now I am tired being treated this way for 9 years. He apologized at the beginning but nothing now.
When people are still get angry about something, that person still have some emotion over he/she is angry about. This was me before. Now, I don't have that. Funny because the last 1 week, he is becoming more quieter and I have more room in me to think about things clearly.
I am taking this time to think what I value the most for me then go from there. My priority is not him nor our life together. It is ME and MY LIFE. I feel like I am over some point I could not move over before.
Thanks everyone, hope you all the best.
Lucy
Good for you!
TLucy,
Take care of you, and yes, you are right. You know, my husband is doing tons, I just wish he had years ago when I pleaded, yet he is working very
hard with about five professionals to fix things and I see it a bit. The guy you describe doesn't get it. Narcissism can go hand in hand with ADHD
or just be, Narcissism. You go do the best for yourself, and also there is no perfect. Yet, there is less drama and the main thing, RESPECT.
That is a bottom line with any guy you fall or get with. And it takes a year or years to know someone. My mom used to say, "How he is with his
mom will tell you a lot." My husband has had no relationship with his parents who were abusive, so he is now, in his 50's learning to connect more.
He has a big heart and my stepkids and people love him, he's a good soul, he just is screwed up from not ever learning. My main thing is
to see how much to wait, or how much can change. I work on myself, and our twin 8 year olds. They get the best of us both and that part is good.
We are told how they seem like such happy, healthy kids and we go "PHEW!" thankful because our own childhoods were tough. Thing is, I knew
my parents always loved each other. They were imperfect but there was never a doubt so I know how to love and connect and communicate.
I have my issues like anyone. I work on myself all of the time and I tell our kids that life is about building your house, and how you make all of the rooms
balanced and good and you don't cramp yourself in. They think and like when we talk about that. Choices, self-respect and balance.
And I'm happy to hear you wanna do work on YOU. Nobody can take that away from you ever, not that people want to . Yet, you can make better choices
ahead with or without this person (who seems to be pretty into himself and have some anger issues and maybe no appreciation enough for women or partners).
Either it is having been spoiled or....it is having never learned to share and be close. That is HIS ISSUE. His problem!
Sending you lots of love and strength and you go do this for you. Whatever you choose is cool, just balance and be good to yourself
and as a therapist once told me, "You need to become your own healthiest mom with youself, and even in the moment ask yourself,
"What do I need now and how do I love myself like a kind, caring mom?" Work on your own triggers, stuff that sets you off by anyone, and when
you work on not doing the long texts, and even wear a scrunchy on your wrist and snap it lightly if you find yoursel saying the wrong things,
Things like that, believe it or not, can help.
Love always,
Ab