Hello,
My ADHD is my husband. he is 60, says he has it and has tested twice but both results came back as he doesn't has one. We have been to counseling but didn't work. Since the test results say he doesn't have ADHD, there is no treatment plan. We've been together 9 years.
My biggest issue with him is his rage, the extremely short fuse, not own his mistake and very mean. I used to think, "This is because ADHD, we just need to keep looking for a better doctor." But at this point, I am exhausted. Finding a good doctor for this issue is really hard and confusing. Since we have tried and saw some doctors who say that they treat ADHD but they were not experts.... Meanwhile, fights and arguments keep continue. At this point, I am exhausted and never been depressed like this before. I have been lonely.
Yes, ADHD is causing so many parts of our lives but even someone who has it can feel bad or sorry after he/she yells or rage, don't they? Don't they have some sort of regret and say sorry? My husband doesn't apologizes. Never. Everything, everything is my fault. Now when he angry at me, I just go to my room spend my time alone.
He says sometimes he would try a new doctor if I find a good one but how long would it take him to behave better? Or would it even work?
He spent this weekend cleaning a senior neighbor's yard. He does something good for someone but not for me. He used to call me "my lovey assistant". He was joking but it wasn't joke to me. I do all my house stuff - cleaning, all grocery shopping, refilling his prescriptions, make his doctors appointments, cooking, laundries, pay bills, weeding, watering, etc. I have asked him why he wouldn't;t help me. He said that's because he works 40 hours and I work just 25 hours.
At this point, I am not sure his mean behaviors are caused by ADHD or it might be just him.
How did you bring back yourself to move forward? I need some positive energy. It's been so sad.
Hi, Lucy.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I can feel your exhaustion.
It is difficult to say if your Husbands behavior is related to ADHD, since you say the professionals he has seen told him he does not have ADHD. Without an evaluation by a professional who specializes in ADHD, the diagnosis may not be accurate.
When you speak of his rage, never apologizing and blaming everything on you, it sounds like my ex husband. He had anger issues, and I was to blame for anything and everything that was wrong in his life. He did NOT have ADHD. This behavior is a form of emotional abuse.
I would suggest employing some of c ur self's suggestions. Set boundaries. When you said: I have asked him why he wouldn't;t help me. He said that's because he works 40 hours and I work just 25 hours. That is just an excuse. You both live in the same house, you should both contribute to how the household is run. My ex did nothing other than mow the lawn and take out the trash, and we were both working 40 hours a week, and I took care of our children too. Perhaps you have more time to do things around the house with your schedule, but that doesn't excuse him from contributing with household tasks.
Whether his behaviors are caused by ADHD or not, it still hurts.
It's him...Not adhd....
Submitted by c ur self on
There are behaviors that are typical for people with fast minds....But the add/adhd is not the direct reason a person treats other poorly, or seemingly has no convictions to own behaviors, show remorse or apologize... (IMO)...Fast minded people ( people who struggle to organize their lives, can't track time well, who are easily distracted, people who's short term memory is terrible, etc. etc) are easily addicted to their spouses abilities (taking on heavy loads)....As long as you do for them, they will let you....Only when you pull back, set boundaries, and insist they live like you aren't present when it comes to their own personal responsibilities...Usually they will give push back, but, they will adapt....I have found out it's usually the NON's that can't adapt...Many had rather mother and enable than allow their spouse to suffer growing pains....When you set boundaries to protect against intrusive, and some times abusive behaviors, you always have to start with your self....The things you say and do that aren't completely respectful must stop....There is an old saying...People will live DOWN to match the opinion others have of them...Never truer than with many adders and their spouses....
The only time arguments, and conflict can be reduced long term, is when one of the marriage partners refuses to be part of the conflict.....Usually that's not going to be the adder...(Not always)....If a women (or man, but mostly women) see's their mothering as a sign of power in the relationship, they may find it hard to step back from it....
Thank you :)
Submitted by teary lucy on
Thank you both for the valuable comments, really appreciate it.
One thing I have been trying to find out is the accurate/correct diagnose. His son was diagnosed when he was a kid. My husband says this son who is 31 now acted like my husband when he was a kid. This is why he says he would have ADHD. 2 tests he has done was, 1 was by a physiologist but not ADHD specialist. I found him based on the review to find out what exactly my husband has and didn't go well. Another one was a social worker. His primary Dr referred her to him. One part of the test showed that his ADHD but some questionable result about his childhood so she needed to talk to his mother who, my husband feels like she would have ADHD. She said all "No" to this social workers questions and he was diagnosed as no ADHD. My husband remembered how he acted but this mother said he didn't. I thanked her for taking time for this interview and let her know he didn't have ADHD. She texted me back and said, "Isn't it what you guys wanted to hear?". I was devastated and no treatment plan.
As you said, he may not have ADHD, maybe just pure mean. Or he may have BPD or Bipolar or something. He has some concussions, migraines, food allergies... I just need to find a doctor to give him a accurate diagnose and this has been a biggest problem.
I'm sure he wants to do something about it because he says he would try a new doctor. When I changed his supplements based on his genotype result. he was calm for almost 3 months. Then he started taking 15 mg (!) melatonin which seems messed his mind since, which happened before. Now he stopped taking it by himself.
Being angry and mean to people/me is wrong. I understand. I just want to find out this is him or caused by something or leaned behavior from him parents. Meanwhile, I talked to this issue to my Dr who is a naturopath. She gave me some supplements to deal with stress and a phone number for a counseling. I am slowly started moving to take care of myself.
Thank you SO much, just get it out made me feel better.