I can't take it anymore. I don't know what to do. I've read most of the posts on this board and several books, but I really have no idea what to do anymore. It's a LONG story, but I attempted suicide twice a few months ago. There was one horrible, nasty fight a month after the second attempt, but there has been no verbal abuse since then. Why do I stay? A loaded question.
I'm grateful for this board. This is only my second post, but reading what you all have to say makes a huge difference. I'm really trying to understand his ADHD (undiagnosed and he won't consider getting checked out for it, eventhough he says he has it) and how best to deal with it. I get so angry, but sometimes I see a sad, broken little boy in him and my heart breaks. This roller coaster is wearing me down to nothing. I'm really trying to hang in here for both of us.
Self-preservation
Submitted by Nettie on
I think anyone using suicide as a coping method must stop focusing on other matters, like a spouse with ADHD, immediately and address this issue first. Once you are stronger, you and your partner (or just you and a counselor or friend), can address anger management, etc., plans.
snapped
Submitted by metooo on
I don't know if it was a coping mechanism. His son got dumped on us who is ADHD, Bipolar, and I suspect maybe OD, and between the two of them it was too much. Maybe it was my way of coping. Both attempts happened during a nasty fight. I felt lower than a worm with no way out. At the time I didn't consider my husband's ADHD, I thought something else was going on with him, but for some reason it popped into my head and I started reading everything I could. I was in counseling at the time, but my counselor retired in January. A couple years ago I was going to Al-Anon and participating in a support group at the Crisis Center, but took a break because I felt overwhelmed with all the info. I really felt like no one cared about me and it wouldn't matter if I wasn't here. I now know that isn't the case. So...there have been no more fights or verbal abuse, although things around the house haven't changed. I'm doing a lot of work on myself regarding self-esteem and finding a way to improve my life in spite of anything that may be going on around me. It isn't easy. Some days, like yesterday, watching him spend most of his time in front of the t.v. and computer watching the news when so much needs to be done around here is really frustrating. I asked him if the mess overwhelms him and he said yes. But the mess woudn't be there if he didn't make it in the first place. Our furnace went out last fall. He tried to fix it but gave up when he got to the electrical parts. We went through the winter using space heaters. The neutral connection on one of the lines that goes to our house blew causing surges in the house. Fortunately, the only damage to any of our appliances was the oven, but we can't afford to buy a new one. The bathroom upstairs isn't useable because he removed the toilet after it started to leak and found some floor damage and decided the linoleum had to be replaced which lead to the wall paneling needing to be replaced. The room is torn up. It's been like this for two years. He spent a lot of money on e-bay buyng arrowheads and at the bars, and I'm sure that's why we can't afford a new stove. Sometimes the bills don't get paid. He won't let me pay the bills and I have no idea how much in debt we are in. I have a chronic medical disorder which has gotten worse and I don't think I can work full-time again. He has stuff piled up all over the house including the room two of his boys use when they visit. They had to sleep in the same bed in the other bedroom because he didn't clean out their room, when they visited during Christmas. His ex asked him to come back to her a year ago, fortunately he told her he loves me and didn't want to get back together with her. I decided a while ago if the bills don't get paid, so be it. Maybe it would shake him up enough to learn how to get on top of things. I do everything in my power not to argue with him anymore. He'll get defensive, start spinning, and accuse me of doing things I would never dream of doing. Also tell me things like I'm bipolar and have a personality disorder. My counselor was astounded when I told him my husband said this. He said the only mental problem I have is depression and low self-esteem. My husband told me no man would love me and I'm lucky he puts up with me. Among other things. This stuff eventually sunk in, eventhough I figured it was projection. I was hearing it too much.
I had a feeling I'd ramble if I started talking about this. I apologize.
writing is healthy for you
Submitted by brendab on
Metooo,
One suggestion my counselor told me to do was to write down my emotions and not show it to the person involved. What he told me and I also experienced was a relief, like my emotions moved from inside me to the paper. It gives you a chance to reason and reflect what you are experiencing. It can give you great insight to take time to breakdown what you write. Give yourself a reward for breaking down a barrier by sharing your thoughts. It is healthy and all of us here understand.
Brenda
emotions
Submitted by metooo on
Brenda...I guess you hit a nerve or emotion. I started to feel the tears well up while I was reading your post. I feel pretty crappy today. I've read most of the posts on this board and at times I had to quit reading them because it got too depressing. What I read is all too familiar. I try to take heart when I read about some of the breakthroughs, but I'm spent. At least the verbal abuse has stopped and I'm not hearing anymore about how screwed up I supposedly am. I think it's had a larger impact than I thought. I started to believe what he said, eventhough intellectuallly I knew it was projection. My ex was verbally abusive and my dad was hard on me while I was growing up, and I learned from the support group at the crisis center that if a child is abused it's very common for that person to be abused as an adult. I really need to turn this around. It would help if I went to another counselor, but I'd be paying for it out of my savings. Again.
So anyway, thanks very much for your suggestion, Brenda. I have lots of notebooks and I'll start writing. I have a feeling I'll be a sobbing mess.
consider this
Submitted by brendab on
Metooo,
When you start to journal your thoughts do a couple of things.
What is so important is that this is all about changing how you live your life internally and externally and it does not depend on what an ADDer does or doesn't do. You make the choices and you live by those choices. Your choices are based on values not chaos and confusion.
Those two major jouraling instructions should keep you busy for a few weeks at least. Take your time and reflect deeply.
Brenda
journaling
Submitted by metooo on
Brenda...I'm taking some online classes that may help me find myself, but what you suggest really gets down to the nitty gritty which is what I need. I hadn't really thought of my dad in relation to what is going on now, but yeah, he is, he started me down this slippery slope.
When we are in these types of relationships we get so wrapped up in the chaos, we can't think straight. Looking back on the last years I can now see how crazy my thinking was. I started to believe that I was as screwed up as he accused me of being, and sometimes I wasn't sure what was right and what was wrong.
Lately I've been thinking how I was raised as a female, and how that has contributed to the choices I've made in my life. I was quiet and submissive like my mom even if that wasn't how I felt inside. Not at all assertive which has been a problem throughout my life. I think it was a coping mechanism to prevent any trouble I might have had with my dad. But I was very angry in my early years, sometimes full of rage, but I didn't know what to do with it. Except to turn it against myself.
My sister is doing a lot of cool stuff, and I always feel like a failure compared to her. She's more like my dad and I'm more like my mom.
Anyway, I'll get started on this journaling. Maybe I'll include my mom and sister in it.
metooo
getting help
Submitted by metooo on
I went down to the mental health center today and got started on the intake process. They have counselors who deal with adult ADHD. Yay!! I told my husband about it, that they have a psychiatrist on staff, and his reply was...."maybe you'll get the help you need....... I bit my tongue and kept my thoughts to myself....
sick feeling in pit of stomach
Submitted by metooo on
This is another one of those bad mornings. Things went bad again last night, I got little sleep, and feel nauseated. I'm tired of walking on eggshells. Of being told what to do and how to do things. I'm a capable person. I don't need someone peeering over my shoulder and making comments whenever I do something. My possessions are mine, not someone else's to do with what they want. I AM NOT A CHILD!!!
Gotta go. I think he's awake.