Exhausted newbie asks advice for husband's adhd

Hi all! Thank God I found this forum. I'm so tired and feel like my marriage is on the rocks although divorce is out of the question as this is both our second marriage and we are raising a big family.

One of our children just got diagnosed for ADHD. All the time I've known my hubby, he's jokingly/semi-proudly referred to himself as having ADHD. I've urged him to get tested and/or do something about the stuff that makes his life difficult and mine just too much to bear. He hasn't done it for many years (although we almost got divorced a couple of years ago because of these problems). Now he did several internet tests and scored very high adult adhd points in them. He's also read the leaflets for our kid and recognizes most symptoms in himself (as do I). I've told him I can't take it anymore, I'm too tired, I don't want to be a mother to my husband, I need and deserve support and participation in chores at home and, more than anything, I need and deserve to be loved, talked to, listened to. He just sees his potential diagnosis as a joke and is a very strong advocate for "I am perfect as I am and somebody who wants me to change anything is stupid and wrong." He also thinks that the reason we are unhappy is that he is a good guy and I'm just a horrible person. This breaks my heart, in my previous relationships I've taken it for granted that I make my boyfriend/husband happy by being warm, empathic and fair and square person.

Main problems:

1) division of responsibility. He manages his demanding job and has been working in the field succesfully for 10 yrs (He sometimes struggles, but has developed systems that make him do ok. For instance, he doesn't listen or read well, so he often checks out details from his colleagues, makes them repeat them to him, reads quick guides online etc or then just does things his own way. He doesn't really plan ahead but instead of seeing this as a problem he kind of brags about his doorhandle method and how he always lands on his feet). At home, I feel I have to do most things and be responsible for everything. I do most household chores (and there's plenty as we have a big family with small children). He doesn't help but just stands there watching me slave away or sits at the computer. He may even talk non stop about his own things while I slave away. I don't interest him, I could be a cardboad cut-out. He just needs these cut outs that acknowledge his existence. He doesn't want fairness, communication or to listen. It's not just that he is not good at them, he really does not care. It doesn't bother him at all that I fought his custody battle for  him, I wrote more than half of his thesis, I raise our kids, I plan our life, I have to do the everyday things at home or then remind/half force him to participate. I've told him so many times that I hate this and I want a more normal division of responsibility. He is not bothered at all, the only thing that bothers him is that his instrument (myself) whines about it and is not happy with this arrangement. he doesn't listen, waits till I don't talk/cry anymore and continues his life exactly the same way as before. As if he wasn't a dad, a grown-up and a husband. He's not even like a child. He's like a teenager and gives me the attitude. This really kills me, where is my room to be an individual? A woman? A mother? Loved? I feel I don't exist and he can still walk in the door as if everything was ok between us even if I've told him I'm desperate etc. It's really creepy and cold.

 

2) memory problems

These don't make our life any easier. Very often he forgets what he was supposed to do. He forgets more than half of the agreements/conversations we've had about family life, children's hobbies, doctor's appointments etc. He forgets our relationship discussions (where he refuses to talk although I ask him). I try and make him write notes, put alarms on his mobile etc. Sometimes he does, but mostly he just rolls his eyes at me and leaves me to catch him when he falls. He "blanks" so often, almost like Dora in Nemo, yet refuses to try and tackle this or learn to live with it in a more family friendly way. He does forget stuff at work, too, but much less.

3) I am frustrated, tired and angry because of this. There is a list a really big hurts inside me that have never been dealt with, despite me trying to talk about them and solve the issues beneath. He treated me like s*** when I was pregnant with our youngest. I lost my appetite, cried a lot and still took care of the rest of the family. He didn't comfort me or try to be more nice/normal although I begged for it. Instead of acknowledging that my state of sadness and frustration stems from this intolerable "marriage" or his adhd, he blames it on me. I am angry because I am an angry person etc. This feels incredibly unfair and hurtful. First, he treats me bad. Then, he blames me for feeling bad about it. He knows I have not had these problems in my previous relationships and life with children has been enjoyable for me in my previous marriage. I wasn't "angry" then, although I did most of the household work. I've taken on a lot in my life before yet relationships have always been a source of strength to me, even in rough times. I've also loved family life before.

4) his coldness and lack of empathy

It's hard to write about details so I won't. Mostly, this is a characteristic that is there all the time - in sickness and in health. Thus, I feel he does not express positive feelings such as love, passion, compassion in the normal way. Instead, these are either non-existent or very rare and mild. He does not compensate the coldness by "doing" or "buying", either. Not saying he should, just saying that it would make me feel better if I felt he cares in his own way. The stuff that belongs to a relationship - love that you feel and see in yourself and in the other person, in words, hugs, actions, concern for the other, apology when needed... it just isnt there. He does have his sex drive and is furious that for me, there can't be sex if there is no emotional trust.

Coldness and lack of empathy with regard to life in general. He can be kind of lively and jumpy and smiling, but still he is very cynical "any man would **** anything, like a watermelon". His world views seem sometimes even cruel, yet he doesn't seem to say those things to hurt me but he seems to seriously think them and not understand how it sounds, thinking everybody thinks like he does.

When somebody dies etc, he can do some basic things (like hug me) but it is very shallow. He doesn't really care and tears kind of freak him out. If somebody at work confides in him, he tells me he often acts sympathetic yet feels nothing or even frustration. At home, he doesn't want to even play sympathetic with me. This is not because we are now in a bad place emotionally, this has always been the case. I just thought I could "cure" him with my love.

The worst is relationship problems between me and him. He turns into stone, goes mute, doesn't talk, doesn't listen, doesn't comfort, doesn't agree on anything, doesn't acknowledge my pain... For me, if this part of relationship is this bad, what is left? The only thing that sometimes gets his comforting side running is if somebody is really really young and vulnerable and adoring towards him. Even then, weakness may just as well irritate him. He seems to be really afraid of feelings.

The sentences above. Maybe they are adhd but for me, they are also a signal for lack of loving.

Still, my husband loves animals to an extent.

5) no remorse. no learning from old mistakes.

All the things above I've tried working with. Talking, crying, arguing, writing. Being careful about, being repetitive about it, trying out different techniques of problems solving etc. He doesn't want to change. He doesn't want to change anything in his life but pushes extremely hard this philosophy of "I am who I am. I am nice. If something, I'm too nice. If there are problems, it's the other person's fault. If I am blamed on something, I deserve to be furious and/or leave emotionally or physically". He has had similar relationship problems all his life. Funnily when we met he told me about them and said he is more responsible now. He has taken back his words since. He went to therapy for three years. That did not help although he liked the therapist. We went to counselling. He sat there coldly and nothing happened, except I got my heart broken as at the time I was really struggling with will to live and cared for our newborn baby, he was actually in counselling with us.

6) Crushed beneath the bad stuff, no room for good things we had together:

love of family life and children (doesn't work anymore - I'm tired of his clownery and lack of responsibility. I hate the way he dodges responsibility and makes me be the only adult in the family)

Many mutual hobbies and passions (I don't feel like sharing these with him anymore, it would seem weird and shallow as I do not feel I trust him or his good intentions and he has hurt me a lot, not really ever regretting it).

We are (were) sexually compatible (I can't bear the thought of touching him as I feel he is cold, selfish and has a total disregard to my feelings. Those are probably the three biggest turn offs for me. I would change his good looks to a warm heart any day if I could. The former is just surface, the latter makes you want to be near that person).

I am so scared of writing this down because in a way I suspect there is no hope. adhd can be a challenge even in its milder forms and even when both spouses are willing to work to make it work. I am terrified for our kids too. If any one of them ends up marrying someone like him and being treated like me I only have myself to blame. I know what this does to a family and I care. My husband just doesn't. All his wants is his home and his comforts. No close contact with anyone, except sexual.

Sorry for a really long post. I did not know what to leave out. Advice would be greatly appreciated. I am so tired and sad. I feel like I'm disappearing somewhere. :(

 

I'll reply later; just want

I'll reply later; just want you to know that I'm thinking about you and can relate to your pain.

I read this too and it is

I read this too and it is like I could have written it myself.  So many similarities.  I am so sorry you are going through this. This is a good place to come and document for yourself what it is you are dealing with.  For some reason it feels more real when others acknowledge your story.  It helps to accept and gain clarity to journal on here and re-read what you wrote later and to know that there are other people who are going through something similar. It validates your experience for yourself.

I wish that I had a bunch of

I wish that I had a bunch of great answers.  I don't.  I can offer a few things that have helped me feel not quite so hopeless and desperate.

1) It sometimes helps me to know that many people have difficult marriages and that the reasons for those difficult marriages are varied.  I could be going through what I'm going through if my husband were a drug or alcohol addict or had a physical illness such as cancer or was a psychopath.  I guess this helps because it reminds me that I'm not alone and that I could be enduring a bad relationship even if my husband didn't have ADHD.

2) Having small children is hard, no matter what your spouse is like.  Things will probably get better for you as your kids get older.

3) No matter what your husband is like and what he will or won't do, you can choose to change things about yourself.  I'm DEFINITELY not saying that things are your fault.  My point is that I think it's good to be open to change and improvement and we can do that for ourselves even if our spouses can't or won't do it for themselves.  

4) It helps to have people to talk to.  Can you afford therapy?  If you can and can find a good person, it will probably help you a lot.  Also, think about your friends and relatives.  There are probably folks you can confide in.  

5) Think about what is most important to you and don't be afraid to take charge of the things that matter.  I pay almost all the bills in our household, because I don't trust my husband to pay them on time.  We split the actual costs but I physically transmit the checks or set up the automatic payments. I don't care if in an ideal marriage, this is shared; it's important to me that we not be deadbeats and so I do it and get satisfaction from doing it.

6) Do whatever you can to treat your children kindly.  I'm sure you do already, but I just think that it is so important, and as you live with them and they grow and mature, it will help so much to have nice kids who know, from you, how to behave well and treat people well.

7) Come back to this forum as often as necessary.

Thanks so much for your

Thanks so much for your replies, Rosered and jennalemon! Wise words and good advice. It's rue about validation, sharing these experiences helps.

I've read many posts here and it has been quite hard. I haven't commented on anything yet but I will once I get my heard around this all.

Some thoughts:

my hubby seems to be incapable of feeling gratitude for my support in daily stuff or bigger things. Is this normal adhd? He takes it all for granted and is pissed off if I say that I need more appreciation. Thank you and I'm sorry are so difficult for him. He doesn't feel them and saying them is something forced that makes him not happy but angry.

****Long examples, pls skip at will ;): He got the custody of his kids after I documented some things and did the negotiations as i was really concerned for their well-being. If not for that, the kids would probably be living far away in unstable conditions now. My husband was pre-me so afraid of loosing his kids that he agreed to anything his ex wife suggested so she had all the rights and he had most of the duties although they shared custody on paper (she saw them when she wanted, he took care of everything else, she earned more yet he paid more for the kids and she demanded she always takes the kids with her no matter where she lives and he should follow). Now, he has legal rights not only to see the kids but they actually live with us (we split weeks, but this is still safer as we get the doctor's documents, school notices etc and can take care of all that ( = I can...) so he doesn't have to worry whether they are being taken care of properly or whether they have to move schools and cities every time she finds a new boyfriend. This was a huge thing for him when we started dating. He wasn't so concerned for the kids ( he was in denial, except in rare outbursts when they came to us really dirty or something he just couldn't dodge) but the idea of loosing them drove him mental. It's the only thing he's been really consistently passionate about, yet he couldn't do anything smart about it, sucking up to his ex instead which only made kids' situation worse. When this was solved his whole life changed, never in his wildest dreams would he have thought he could get near custody. In the end, his ex gave him near custody so she could live her life more freely, she did not want to see her kids so much (as she really couldn't cope with being the main parent). And he told me he would never ever have even tried getting the custody without me, and without my negotiation skills she would have just laughed at his face and said no.

Anyway, this guy who has been really unappreciative and not cooperative towards me even when I've been super supportive was afraid of his ex and did everything she said and let her boss him around in the most incredible ways. This is another really weird inconsistency. Has it got something to do with adhd? Not able to take niceness or equality but if somebody really puts him down and orders him around (like the ex) then he kind of "behaves". Not out of sense of decency, but out of fear, that's how I saw it and that's how he described some times when he was able to talk about it.  Seems like a pecking order thing for dogs, not a human relationship. But since I refuse to go by these dog rules (I don't submit nor do I dominate but I need compromises, compassion and communication from both of us) we just don't meet, there can be no mutual ground.

He never even said thanks to me when he got the custody. I would have in a similar situation arranged something big and wonderful as a small thank you. He couldn't even say thanks. I would have been so incredibly grateful and happy. I much later brought this up as something that made me really hurt. He was angry and offended that I showed him the mirror. He gritted his teeth and said "of course I'm thankful", hating me to make him say it. This really freaked me out. Is this normal for adhd or something else? That normal love and compassion, being grateful for good stuff etc that makes most people happy is perceived as a threat and something to be avoided or angry about? And stuff that a person should be happy to say and say willingly/do willingly is not done and when I say I miss those words he gets angry and defensive.

He also never apologises. In the beginning, I apologised for a lot of things (like stepping on his toe and also if I said something rude when we argued). He was always weird about it. When apologising for calling him a p**** he'd be triumphant like it was a power struggle not a relationship - wife is bad and she knows it, I won! He, on the other hand, doesn't have to apologise for anything because he "doesn't make mistakes" (= he doesn't see them or blames them on someone else). Sorry is just as difficult as thank you for him.

Are this weird sub/dom issues in everyday life normal for an adhd, one way or another?) ****

Still, he can sometimes be so lively and charming with a wonderful sense of humour (when he doesn't cross some line or other) and many people like him although he doesnt have close friends. He has a really dualistic personality, he can be very bubbly, athletic, jumpy and talkative especially with me and the kids, but then extremely withdrawn and kind of afraid of people, parties and more than anything emotions, especially any kind of criticism, difficulty or conflict. This side also resembles an asperger person a little bit. He can also "act" nice, like at work he has this role of a slightly shy and empathic guy that he himself kind of laughs about. So, for instance, one of his pupils has big problems. He pretends to be concerned yet in real life is just really irritated about them bothering him about it.  This, too, is creepy.

Talking about making compromises, I could accept the practical side (his memory stuff, the way I have to take care of everything) if in return he would learn to be more loving and supportive and appreciative of me. Unfortunately, he will not change. He won't, as there is nothing wrong with him and I'm making this stuff up. It's so weird - on one hand he acknowledges the stuff he does and even talks about this adhd and being the way he is. His ex-ex girlfriend dumped him because he was so cold and cynical beneath the surface. His ex wife dumped him because she did not feel loved by him and she felt he did not take enough responsibility). But there is no guilt, no attempt to better himself and it seems to be just words. Like someone on this forum said, every grown person needs to make an effort for a relationship to work. No matter what kind of childhood you had, no matter what diagnosis you have, despite the difficulties in your life, you have to learn to live so that the other person does not suffer in your relationship. For some reason, he totally disagrees. Is this kind of weird reasoning typical for adhd or is it just him - something can be true and he can talk about it himself a lot ("I always forget everything." "Yeah you have to hold all the strings in your hands and so did my ex" "I wasn't there for you at all when you were pregnant and the baby was born") yet at the same time if I bring these up he denies them! Or then one day he could acknowledge them but blame it on me, only to take it back the next day and the following day say that I have made it all up. This is so confusing and hurtful. It's as if he had several people inside him and sometimes he wouldn't even be aware of them, but none of these people is really deeply nice or empathetic. Having lived with him for several years now I think he often just babbles on saying whatever comes to mind. But it's not only that - my concepts of facts or reality do not vary from one moment to the next so even if I spoke not censoring myself at all I would never sound like I had multiple personality disorder or I was a compulsive liar. He can say or think whatever and he doesn't hold himself responsible for anything.  What is his reality, what is true for him? Seemingly, the one thing that stays is that I am bad for him and these same problems he has had all his life are my fault.

Thanks so much Rosered for coping tips :).

Luckily I love kids and my frustration is not projected onto them, so at home I feel very close to our children. If something, I am too close with them, I do lots of things with them and he is kind of outside it all, in his own bubble, willingly. I kind of compensate the lack of communication and love (my husband talks so much but it seems it's like a radio - he just talks, it's not communication, he doesn't care to listen. This is very similar to our child who got this diagnosis just now)by devoting myself to the children and living through them. But obviously children know and feel what is going on. And they see this ridiculous dynamic between us in all practical matters, too. I try and strengthen my relationships with my friends,  they are invaluable to me. Sometimes I just don't have the energy for it.

I have also stopped walking on eggshells around my husband. So if he doesn't do something he promised, I tell him (even if the kids are there) "why didn't you do it? You promised. If you have memory problems, take notes. I know you can." This infuriates him, he feels I am mean and disrespectful in front of the kids and that I should cover it all up. Maybe I am, but when I kept it all to myself, it felt like living a lie. I think it's better for the kids also to see that you can be honest and expect fairness from your spouse. It funny that in so many ways he does not care or react and just leaves me alone, but he has a very strong sense of pride. So he wants to take advantage of me, be untrustworthy and be basically a p***, yet he demands that nobody can ever know. I should keep it quiet, cover up for him. I did it for a long time but now I think that's just so unfair and crazy. Lying and cover ups, kids smell them from a mile away. I really think it's better that I am honest, as long as I say those things nicely and we don't discuss our relationship/grown up stuff in front of them. Is this typical for adhd - that they may seem happy-go-lucky I don't care about anything and I don't hear my spouse, yet it's very important for them to maintain a flawless self image and keep up the facade? I also ask him whether he understood and remembers what I said. And I also refuse to talk with him about stuff if he avoids eye contact or turns his back on me, I'm so tired of not deserving even the most basic respect and normal behaviour.

We hardly ever fight now so our home is no longer a war zone whenever the kids are away.  It's calm, but emotionally dead.  I never confide in him, I don't tell him about my thoughts, dreams or even of my day. He doesn't seem to mind but babbles on about his stuff like before. It's probably more fun for him this way, he doesn't have to pretend that he listens to me. I know arguments with him never get solved, they never end up in better understanding of each other. It almost killed me to try and get through to him, pray and cry. It never worked. The was no response from the other end. No one wanted to meet me half way or even embrace me if I ran all the way to him.

It's like there was a creepy relationship protocol that has been programmed into his brain and he works according to that, no matter what. Although he sometimes seems impulsive and alive (and sometimes quiet, phlegmatic and withdrawn), I feel like underneath he is a robot that has been programmed to circle around its self and its own functions and has no data chip for real interaction or compassion, just some shallow cover up programs.

All the best for all of you who are struggling to love a person who won't really love you and see you the way you are! Thanks for sharing your stories, they have already helped me and so many others.

By the way Rosered good point about difficult marriages in general. I am a big literature lover and historical novels are full of unhappy marriages. It does put things into perspective - throughout human history, marriages have often been really hard for various reasons. I am not alone and my husband should not be able to destroy my chances of being happy in this life.

His girl, my darling girl, is also adhd. But she has a warm heart. There are social problems and she is often inconsiderate by accident, but she is sorry, she wants to learn and most of the time her loving heart shines through everything she does, even when she jumps around or is offended about something. I am so happy that she is not rude like her dad. Happy for her, but also happy for me. It is kind of therapeutic to love and help her.

 

A few things you said really

A few things you said really sound like my husband:  not being able to express appreciation and not being able to provide support.  My husband claims to not need anything or ask for anything.  It's true that he doesn't ask, but why should he?  I do everything!  But he hates to admit that he needs anything, as though it makes him less of a person somehow.  I'm happy to admit that I need things but frustrated because he won't help me spontaneously, unless it's something like fixing the car.  I'm very independent and self-reliant, but I think that spouses should be there for each other and have each others' backs.  My husband does not have my back.  I realized this years ago.  

O~U~C~H

Your husband does not have your back.  MINE EITHER.  Your words hit home here.  Your pain is palpable.  HUGS to you.  I wish I had advice.

ADHD newbie

After reading your post I would say that I possess the same struggles as your husband.  I was just recently diagnosed and have only just begun medication.  While I am still the Energizer Bunny with clarity, I now see the big picture in front of me.  I am inauthentic in every relationship I have.  It scares me the most with my husband and my small kids.  I am seeking out a therapist because while I am having some stupid impulsive thoughts, I know I don't want to ruin everything I've built the past 15 years that started when I married my best friend who doesn't even seem close enough to even be a roommate.  From being on the other side of the coin I guess I reaIze things have to change and that begins with an understanding of what is currently going on, address it and work together.  Unfortunately, I believe he too has ADHD.  Only time will tell is he ever goes for a diagnoses.  I do believe that by me taking action on trying to make things work and gettin help, we will be ok.  I really don't understand how I look in the past and love people than "wake up" and find myself incapable of doing all those things you mention about your husband.  It is mind boggling.  I guess I have just realized this is where I'm at and now I need to work to make it work.  Hopefully anyone in this kind of situation...either side...can somehow find clarity and seek the right help and support.

"We hardly ever fight now so

"We hardly ever fight now so our home is no longer a war zone whenever the kids are away.  It's calm, but emotionally dead.  I never confide in him, I don't tell him about my thoughts, dreams or even of my day. He doesn't seem to mind but babbles on about his stuff like before. It's probably more fun for him this way, he doesn't have to pretend that he listens to me. I know arguments with him never get solved, they never end up in better understanding of each other. It almost killed me to try and get through to him, pray and cry. It never worked. The was no response from the other end. No one wanted to meet me half way or even embrace me if I ran all the way to him."

W O W ..........I live this same life.  My twins just left for college.  I expected World War 964247407852 on a daily basis, as we argued continuously before.  Instead this is my life.  I have no advice, no word to the wise, just want you to know you are heard, understood and I wish I could give you a HUG.

Rosered, NJTWINMOM, they

Rosered, NJTWINMOM,

they don't have our backs :(. That's a scary thought but so true.

When I was seriously considering divorcing my husband, one of my arguments to myself was: What if something happens to me? Is this the person who I want to help me in a wheelchair or if I get cancer? Everyday life even when I don't expect ANY emotional support from him is pretty creepy, draining and lonely. But what if I really needed support? He'd ditch me and blame me for it. My guy might not leave physically, he would stay but be mean and distant.

I know. This happened already three times. I was extra vulnerable when I was pregnant, when I was with our new born baby and when something terrible and scary happened to one of my relatives. In all these cases, my friends supported me. My friends and kids loved me. He, on the other hand, was even more rude than usual. It's as if me needing something was a personal insult to him.

I don't see myself spending the rest of my life with him. This dysfunctional and cold marriage sucks our my energy and my happiness. But I owe it especially to his kids from his previous marriage to stick with this as long as they need me in their lives.

Hugs to you, too. May your weekend be full of peace and love, one way or another.

Parallel Lives

Mysteria, I feel so many of the same emotions, fears, and griefs that you shared in your post. With 5 years of trying to get through to my husband about how I need his support, attention, concern, etc. I have basically reached a state of hopelessness. I can't change him. At this particular stage in his life, he's decided not to change for himself. So that's that. He hasn't done anything that I personally consider a "divorce-able" action (such as cheating, physical abuse, committing a serious crime, etc.), so I stay with him at least in a physical sense. But emotionally, I've checked out of our relationship in a big way, and I guess he doesn't care enough to notice it. We're more roommates than husband and wife. He's a messy, sometimes frustrating, generally pleasant and sometimes fun roommate. I carry some hope that one day he will fully open his eyes and decide to take the steps needed to get complete and effective treatment and I will support him however I can, but until that day, my tears, outbursts, and pitiful self-loathing (I hate who I've become in this marriage) will not change reality. I do have tons of resentment over all the household work and general management burden that I carry for our family, but it sometimes helps if I think of him as disabled. As my mom once pointed out to me, you'd lovingly provide that care and effort if your husband were in a wheelchair -- this is just a different disability (at least in the untreated state). People can and do change. I guess I just need to trust in God that I can still be open to that change if and when it might happen down the road. For today, there are worse things than having a slightly distant and forgetful roommate. And perhaps in the future he can become the spouse that I know he deep-down would like to be. Until then, there is some degree of comfort in hearing your stories and experiences as they assure me that I'm not alone in this lonely season of my life.

 

Streetfighter

I know exactly how you feel. I struggle every day with trying to turn things over to God. I know I need to step back and disconnect...but it's so hard. Especially when there's a flood of emotion in me. I wish they made a pill for emotional disconnect.

Husband/Roommate/Mooch

I've been married to my ADHD husband for five years.  The first year he was a great provider, we shared dreams and goals.  The second year he started self medicating with drugs and alcohol, needless to say finances and anger was out of control.  The third year I started to receive disability for my epilepsy  and he decided it was time for him to be his own boss.  I stayed home and took care of the household (including our 3 children ages 11-6) while he "made contacts".  Of course his idea of being boss and being responsible weren't one in the same.  He ended up sleeping half the day, making excuses, and complaining about how no one wants to pay him "what he is worth".  So the last two years I have supported this man, cooked and cleaned for this man, put up with this man's irritating habits, in effort to let him see for himself that he needs a real job, with real hours, and real paychecks.   For the past 3 months he has been telling me that he is going to be a professional stuntman/background actor.  He has filled out online applications and taken numerous pictures of himself.  The pay is only $8.00 per hour, which is better than what he makes laying on the couch, yet 3 months ago he turned down a job making $12.00 per hour because he was worth more pay.   UGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!  Does the insanity ever stop?  He has always had big plans....owning his own remodeling company, opening a kids wrestling camp, move out of his momma's house..now become an actor....but unfortunately i have learned over the past few years, big plans dont always turn out to be big futures.   

How do I turn his ambition to be famous/"someone super important" to just my husband?  Sometimes I feel like he tricked me into marrying him.  He was everything I wanted in a man...great father, compassionate, fun, great lover, and a hard worker.  Its like as soon as I said "I do"  he started not doing.  He got what he wanted so he no longer puts any effort into keeping our marriage alive.

I guess I just need someone to hear me. I feel so alone.  

:(