I'm new here. I am a husband with highly suspected but undiagnosed ADD. For 15 years I have been torturing my wife. I want to stop. It is so hard to write this because I have no clue what I am doing. I am a trial lawyer. I have been extremely successful, but untile recently I did not know what caused me to miss many deadlines and cause problems with my clients> It takes all my energy all day to complete the tasks that I have to at work. I zone in and out and jump from one exciting task to another. I have written boards that help me through the day.
I am married to a wonderful woman. A woman who in my mind can do no wrong. She is loving caring and sweet. I find her very attractive. However, I torture her unkowingly and unwittingly. She is extremely sexual and finds sex very satisfying to her. However, her sexual desires are limited to sex "without the production". Early in our marriage the stress of law school and practicing law would have me hyperfocused on those issues. Therefore, I lacked focus on the sexual side of our relationship. WIth her being very sexual, this has caused a great rift in our marriage. Whenever, I get hyperfocused on issues outside of our relationship I seem to forget about sex. When I would forget about her, she would yell criticize and tell me that I do not want her. For a long time this would make me withdraw. This is the farthest thing from the truth. I want her and find her extremely sexy. I just get pent up with the worries and problems. She constantly reminds me that she has hated the last 15 years. She has told me that she wants to leave due to this problem. She is constantly angry with me regarding every issue about sex. In addition I forget to call the babysitter for date night, I try to plan big things for her birthday and our anniversary but I never seem to come through.
Another issue is that I get extremely distracted during sex. This may come from the days worries, outside stimuli, my wifes reactions during sex, or just something that pops back into my head. Many times sex sessions go on for hours before I can orgasm. When I was young I thought this was good. Now I just tire either myself or my wife out. Many times these distractions do not allow me to orgasm. Many times my wife cannot get me focused enough to orgasm unless toys, games, bdsm or other "production" is used. These things greatly satisfy me but clearly repulse her. When I don't orgasm, it clearly upsets her. Frankly, I do not blame her. I can understand her feelings of rejection and the fact that I do not want her. The opposite is true. She is satifying me and just because I do not orgasm doesn't mean I do not want her. I work really hard to please her and have sex the way she wants. It pleases me to make her happy. However, it does not leave me feeling totally satisfied. I do not want her to engage in the "production" as it clearly upsets her. She says sex should be easy and naturual. However, it is not for me. Instead it is a time of fighting off every distraction in the world so that I can please her. I really love her more than anything and I hate to see her go through this.
Until three weeks ago, I had no understanding of what caused this problem. I saw a sex therapist who suggested I had ADD. I read the book driven to distraction and trying to get a diagnosis. However, given my lack of organization, and how many of the criteria I fit in the book and this blog I am pretty sure that I have Adult ADD. My next appointment is with the therapist is still a week away. She is very busy.
Three months ago my wife prayed that God would allow her to have an affair. A few days later she met an old high school friend that she expressed interest in. SHe wrote in an email to a friend that she wished to have an affair with this man. She was going to try to stir things up with him. I found the email accidentally when she was out of town with the three kids. She said that she was going to do that now, because the sex was hot. But eventually I would lose interest and that would be the time. I confronted her about this and she stated she would not have an affair. But as usual the sex has gotton less than hot, and she feels like I do not want her anymore. Last night I found an email to the man, asking him to drive to Carlsbad, play tennis go out and have a good time. I feel her frustration with me sexually. I feel her need to have sex come easily. I feel her need to be loved without distraction. I hate the fact that I cannot enjoy sex without distraction or production. I hate that I feel like less of a man because I am not done in 10, 15 or 30 minutes. I am so depressed that I cannot do what my wife wants. I try and try and try, but I fail over and over again. I hate disappointing my wife. I am afraid about any drugs causing a lack of sex drive. I work out to keep my testosterone high so it will be easier for me. I take vitamins to increase sex drive. However, these are quickly counteracted that overcomes me due to the anger and frustration that I cause my wife.
I love this woman so much. I would do anything for her that is in my power. It just doesn't feel like this is in my power. I want her to be happy. I don't want a divorce. I don't want my wife to leave. However, I really really want her to be happy. My only alternatives seem to be either suicide or divorce. This would allow her to be with a man who finds sex easy and does not lose focus. Either option seems bad for our three kids. However, my wife would be much happier with another man who can fulfill her needs without production. I love her so much I want her to be happy. She is clearly not happy with me. I really don't know how this can be fixed. I don't know where to go from here and I am open to suggustions.