Extreme marital crisis

I'm non-ADD.  Hubby diagnosed 1 week before we met.  Went on Adderall from family doc, no psych or therapist.  Only on Rx during week and wouldn't take Rx until time to go to work...by the time he got home, it had worn off.  Essentially all of our time together was unmedicated.  Best courtship ever.  Moved in after 6 weeks, engaged at 2 yrs, married at 3.  Wednesday will be our 3 yr anniversary.  As things became more serious, our relationship fractured.  Got him to start taking Rx on weekends which initially helped, but it didn't last.  We now have a 14 mos old daughter and the last couple of yrs have gotten worse and worse.  I've done the ol' parenting/controlling role - and as an adult child of an alcoholic I had that one down in spades.  Last 6 mos have been the worst, compounded by an upcoming involuntary relocation across the country and a stage IV cancer diagnosis for his dad.  Currently I'm at home w/ my daughter and he's working at home now for 7 mos - probably the worst idea ever.  I also believe I had post partum depression.  Every possible obstacle we could have, we've had, on top of unregulated ADHD.  We went to an "expert" briefly when I was pregnant w/ my daughter - this dude told me to be more of a parent, regulate his free time down to the minute, more rules, you name it.  We now agree that probably did more damage.  3 weeks ago I got the ILYB bomb and we're now "trying" to rebuild, especially considering we have a daughter.  That night he had planned to move into the guest room for the foreseeable future while he "worked on things" and had planned to start CBT for ADD.  He has spent every night in our room since and after that talk I realized I had become a very mean person, even to complete strangers.  This is not who I am at all.  The night of the talk sparked something in me - I'm just not angry anymore.  Well don't get me wrong, I'm PISSED that he now admits his love has been slowly dying for sometime now, since around the time we were trying to get pregnant.  I'm pissed b/c this whole time he'd been doing the aloof distracted crap and I honestly thought he had no emotion whatsoever around things while I was begging him to learn more about ADD and to save our marriage.  I'm pissed b/c we were trying to get pregnant and now have a 14 mos old daughter who's world lies in our hands...really it lies in his hands.  I've also learned he has lied about almost everything.  Or creative re-telling, as the case may be, I don't know.  Regardless, I don't trust anything he says.  He also has had very strange emotional reactions to things.  Like his dad's cancer - he's had almost no emotion over that.  He likes to call it optimism until given a reason to think otherwise...but this situations is FULL of reasons otherwise.  Stage IV lung cancer w/ brain mets, 2 brain surgeries, 1 lung surgery, given 1 yr tops if he hadn't had the surgeries.  Hubby was emotional exactly 1 time and that was when we thought we wouldn't get there before the emergency brain surgery when we first found out.  Other than that, it's almost like it's not happening.  He had a sheet-eating grin on his face when he told me ILYB, and he had it again when he recently told me that his dad was being sent to the ER unexpectedly, and he had it again re: his dad a few days ago w/ an equally scary announcement.  He says he has no real emotion for anyone right now besides our daughter.  Of course, he's not talking about disowning his dad b/c he doesn't have emotion towards him, but he IS talking about destroying our family.  

FTR- I made just about every possible mistake I could with this.  I didn't have the tools, I didn't understand ADD or my interaction.  I'm reading the ADHD Effect book now and learning so much.  He, however, is now wondering if his ADD courtship hyperfocus phase means he never really loved me in the first place.  Is this even possible?  I mean, he didn't hyperfocus on every girl he dated.  We used to be that couple every one was jealous of.  Not just during hyperfocus, either.  On our wedding day he said he wasn't nervous at all, just excited.  Now he's saying he doesn't even know if he really loved me?  Of course he says black at one moment and white at the next.  Ironically we're spending more time together now than we ever have.  We're not at each other's throats, except days like today when he didn't take his RX and it was pretty rough.  Problem is now that I'm not mad anymore and back to my old self, it hurts SO MUCH MORE when he does the typical ADD stuff.  Before my anger was protective, even though it did still hurt then.  But now....I'm crushing underneath it all.  

We started marriage counseling last week.  He's a willing participant and when we're there you'd almost think he really does want to try, but I don't know if it's all just an act or what?  I don't know if all he is remembering is bad.  Even after the time he said the emotion started to die, he would have random unsolicited declarations of love.  I don't know.  I don't want to be stupid, but I don't believe him when he says the love is gone.  I believe he feels that way right now, but...  I'm so scared that the distracted/aloof stuff of ADD will make it impossible for him to really try to save our family.  

Any input is welcome here.  

Sorry if this was too long.

Sorry if this was too long.  It's been bottled up inside me for so long, I feel like I could write a novel.

Problem is now that I'm not

Problem is now that I'm not mad anymore and back to my old self, it hurts SO MUCH MORE when he does the typical ADD stuff.  Before my anger was protective, even though it did still hurt then.

I understand this comment.... When you are constantly being beaten (not literally) and you never know when the next blow will come you build up a pretty think wall to protect yourself, so if you somehow break the wall away the blows hurt so much more.   A part of me wants the wall gone, yet another part still needs it for protection. I've let that wall down in the past when he was making progress a year ago, we had a good 3-4 months when he first started his meds, then he just stopped. Each time he would explode in anger at me or the kids it was awful, felt like a physical blow...so i have built the wall up again and this time its taller and thicker than before.

My H is very black/while, all or nothing sort of guy. Lives very in the moment, never thinking of the future or the past...IF he were to ever actually say I never loved you, i would know this wasn't true, he did love me deeply once, as i did him, but the feelings right NOW are not love, so in his mind he would think I never loved you. Maybe thats where your H is also.

 

Hindsight is 20/20, right?  I

Hindsight is 20/20, right?  I can say right now that even though it hurts so much more, I wish I would've taken this route a long time ago before so much damage was done.  I want so much to save our marriage and family.  It's what I've always wanted.  I want the man I fell in love with and I want an intact home for my daughter.  One of my biggest fears has been when he will do this to our daughter.  I know he loves her and I know he doesn't want to and doesn't think he will, but he truly doesn't seem to comprehend how painful he can be.  I feel the same way about the physical blows - I always tell him it's like he punches me, says he's sorry and doesn't mean it, and then punches me again in an hr.

Pbartender's picture

I wish my wife was where you are...

"We started marriage counseling last week.  He's a willing participant and when we're there you'd almost think he really does want to try, but I don't know if it's all just an act or what?  I don't know if all he is remembering is bad.  Even after the time he said the emotion started to die, he would have random unsolicited declarations of love.  I don't know.  I don't want to be stupid, but I don't believe him when he says the love is gone.  I believe he feels that way right now, but..."

Understand that he's likely working through all the implications of how the ADHD has messed things up, and what that all means for your relationship.  He's got a thousand thoughts pin-balling through his head every second, and a thousand super-charged emotions as well.  To say that it's intense and overwhelming and confusing doesn't being to describe it.  The grief, and anger, and sadness, and shame and everything else all mixed up together...  it needs to come out.

Give him whatever love and support you can.  If you can, let him know, in a way that he'll understand, that you're there for him and that you care for him.

I had to go through this on my own...  I still am, in some ways.  It won't be easy for you handle, but if you really think he's willing and able to make the changes he needs to make, then please don't let him do this part alone.

 

Pb.

Thing is right now he says he

Thing is right now he says he feels no emotion for me.  I don't know how to give him love.  We hardly touch at this point.  Did you ever feel like your feelings died for your spouse?  Did you ever question whether the hyperfocus phase was ruse?  The marriage counselor we're seeing right now is quite good, but he's no ADD expert.  I found an ADD expert but don't want to force DH to go until he's ready.  I also don't think the meds are doing their job at all.  Our anniversary is in 2 days...omigod this is so painful.  I honestly believe that if he decides he wants to fix this marriage, we will...especially now that my anger is gone.  But if he doesn't make that decision, I don't know. One second he tells me we should keep our finances separate just in case, the next he tells me we should buy a house when we relocate at the end of the yr.  

PB- do you have any insight for me?