The bizarre thing is, I'd say, there is a certain feeling of stupidity from not seeing this one coming.
The basic backstory is I'm supposed to be meeting my college age daughter out of town next week to discuss the financial situation of her upcoming semester. The trip was discussed weeks in advance. Unfortunately, we are in a precarious financial situation due due to my husband's spending issues. The most recent issue has been gambling, previously was shopping, credit cards, you name it, it's happened.
Bottom line, the behaviors burned through any reserves I had and included the children's college fund, plus more that I won't go into.
Anyway, suffice it to say, this isn't designed to be a pleasure trip.
Close to two weeks ago, in order to save money we don't have, I asked if he'd mind if I used "his" points to save money on the hotel nights. "No problem, I have plenty," he said. I should have known better.
I ask nearly daily if he has called to check into the issue of me using his points. We are now down to me needing to leave shortly.
I was getting the distinct sense of the avoidance technique. Once I tell him what hotel, he informs it will use all his points. Nothing else. Not anything about it not being okay, just sounds mostly matter of fact. Wasn't thinking anything of it since nothing else was said.
Last evening as he's abruptly leaving for something not previously mentioned, I bring up the fact I still have no reservations and am worried.
As an adjunct, yes, his ADD is obviously undertreated, something he is apparently just fine with since nothing has been done about it.
He texts me while he's gone, asking for my card number for the reservations. I so should have known. I just obviously wasn't picking up on what was really going on.
He mentions a king is cheaper than a double. I'm assuming he means points.
He says he's forwarded my reservations to my email.
I take a look and realize A) It's for one day less than I'm planning to stay. B) The reservations are made on my card, not the points.
I ask him about it since I'd been very specific about him calling about the points to avoid a problem in case I needed to make other arrangements. He says he will call BUT he wanted to make the reservation, so I wouldn't be worried.
Ummm... the reservation he made is to be credited points wise to his account, so he can garner more free nights?
Clearly even via online, he didn't register the reservation actually using his points. Apparently he wants to get points from my stay however.
This morning I mention my concern as he's bailing out for a fishing expedition that will last til evening. He says he can't call til eight. There's no logical way he's getting phone reception to even call at all where he'll be fishing.
I would never have chosen the "points" hotel had there been any indication I was paying. I'm thriftier than that. I have to be.
My guess is this. He decided to avoid the confrontation of being honest and telling me he didn't want me using the points. Doesn't matter to him what the consequence to me is. Here comes the magic/ tragic lack of empathy problem again.
If these were "my" points, mind you I don't think like that, this would be a non issue. He'd use them in a heartbeat. He's proven that with money over n over again. There'd be no regard for me.
Though I'm seeing I'll likely need to fend for myself here, not even sure to this day why this ridiculous stuff happens.
It's like being married to an adult toddler. I just don't even know how to communicate through this one.
Wow. I felt very stressed
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Wow. I felt very stressed just reading this! The resistance to discussing problems is so frustrating. I know it can be hard to talk about problems, but it's something that mature adults do. There are things that are hard for me, but I do them anyway. And almost always, being honest and assertive about problems has a better result than covering them up. Why can't people realize that?
I hope your trip goes OK despite this.
A financial liar
Submitted by jennalemon on
Yes, this happens to me all the time. When he was a working full time employee and had money to spare, he was generous. But once his own business became a part time job (15 years ago) with less than minimum wage, he has the financial reality of someone who lies to himself and to me to make everything easier for himself. When I tried to make a household budget with him and tell him he needed to contribute more of his share, he told me I shouldn't have to spend more than $30/week on groceries. Yet, he spends $200/wk on "incidentals for work". He has turned into a hoarding, cheap liar. And in his mind, he is a smart, likable success (for manipulating me I guess). For 15 years, he has been "doing the best he can, next month is going to be much better, I will do it tomorrow." Even talking about a budget is WWIII - offense and defense.
selfish compulsive spending,
Submitted by lovehurtsalotwi... on
My husband has a problem with "money" and being generous at a time I would need it the most.He would spend,yes indeed he would but "ONLY"on him and the most on him,for me I get a dinner outing sometimes and maybe a flower once a year and food"only" food and for me I find him to be a "selfish compulsive spender" he should treat me no different than he treats his self b/c I don't do that to him"NEVER" once have I refused him when he was in dyer need,but,thank god I am "not" financially down,then only god knows he would surly be gone and not for ADHD but for money,he is lucky..
My husband just got
Submitted by Emeraldloo on
Submitted by harmony on
Hello! I strongly encourage you to get help for YOURSELF while your husband decides how he'll handle the diagnoses. Especially if you are non ADHD. It's true that it can be hard (not impossible) for the ADHD person to change but something tells me you have done more than your share of the lion's work and it's up to him to proceed forward, other wise it just becomes more slack for you to pick up. The meds are just the beginning and depending on how long you've been together my guess is that there are solid 'pick up the slack' patterns going on. Ideally, if both of you can work on it together the ADHD can be manageable but again I encourage you to remember yourself during this new chapter of living with ADHD-----Blessings!