My wife is introverted. I am extroverted. We have been married 22 years and it's dying before my eyes.
All these years I have asked for her touch, for a physical acknowledgement of her love for me. You know, hugs, her hand reaching out to touch mine while were on the couch....etc.
This problem existed before we got married, it escalated soon afterwards. Especially after we had 2 kids in a row.
Not sure why I bothered to write this here. Maybe because I know it is going to end. I just don't know when anymore.
Some of you may know what it is like to wait for that hug or kiss or touch that comes to you from love, because they wanted to do it, not because you asked them to do it or because they are doing it out of trying to do it for you. I think I am still waiting.
We have stayed together, for the children and for the commitment we made to one another on that special day. But, I feel like I may have made the biggest mistake of my life for 22 years now.
Just so you know, my wife loves to be alone, thrives on it, we never have people over, the times we have it's been rare. She just doesn't seem to need outside relationships of any signifigance. I hate being alone or working on projects alone. But, now I am alone, pretty much all the time. What I mean is my son is here part of the day, My wife is at work, but for the greater portion of the day I am alone with my work. There is such a wall between us anymore, I doubt Kong himself could break it down. We have serious marital problems, I doubt we will ever get fixed.
(no spell checker here? usually I misspell some words, sorry if I did.)
I was diagnosed late in life with mild ADD. A couple days ago I read the Edison Trait that seems to fit me to a "T" as does much of what ADD suffers go through.
Thanks for reading this.
how do you know?
Submitted by arwen on
Jelly, I'm not sure why you say your wife is introverted and you are extroverted -- did a counselor tell you this? Did you take some kind of psychological profile test? Or is this a "self-diagnosis"? The reason that I ask is that sometimes people "self-diagnose" erroneously -- they think that certain behaviors indicate one thing when they actually are an expression of something else.
It's not unusual in a marriage when one spouse has ADD and the other doesn't for the non-ADD spouse to be upset or angered by some of the behaviors of the ADD spouse, and for those feelings to get in the way of feeling loving. If one is full of anger and distress, it's pretty hard to extend to one's partner any feeling of affection! It's possible that what you interpret from your wife as introverted behavior is instead a difficulty in expressing affection because of emotional distress that you may not be perceiving. I speak from experience in this -- my husband and I were in this kind of dynamic for many years -- as well as having heard of this from others in similar situations. Is it possible that there is another explanation such as this for your wife's behavior?
You mention that you don't have people over, and she doesn't seem to need outside relationships. Ironically, my husband and other people probably would have said the same thing about me -- but it's not because I'm introverted -- I'm not. I rarely wanted to have people over because our house was such a mess all the time, since my husband never puts anything away or cleans up after himself (now he confines his mess to a couple of rooms, not the ones people who visit us would see). I didn't like doing things with my husband because it was so stressful -- even vacations. And I would have loved to have outside relationships, but I felt I couldn't leave him alone with the kids because they wouldn't get picked up from their activities on time, or fed, or put to bed on time, and he wouldn't make sure their homework was done -- and he wouldn't get any of the home chores done either -- it was necessary for me to be home to make sure things got done. My job, my husband's ADD plus our kids needs consumed all my time and effort. I love my family, but I really didn't enjoy having my relationships limited to this small circle by these constraints. Again, is it possible that you have misinterpreted your wife's behaviors in this area?
Clearly, you and your wife have differences, in priorities and in perspectives, but perhaps they are not quite the differences you have thought . . .
You didn't indicate in your post whether you are taking any medications or getting any counseling. If you are not, I would recommend you consider both steps. Counseling could be helpful to both you and your spouse in addressing your differences.
Arwen expresses my thoughts
Submitted by Jeannie on
Arwen expresses my thoughts and feelings exactly. I loved having people over, but it was always so much work and I had to do it all myself. My (ex) husband felt if he got home about the time the guests arrived, it would be okay. Most times he wasn't home at all except to sleep, so when was I to invite people over? I became socially isolated because I believed that spouses should socialize together. He, on the other hand, had no problem socializing by himself or with other women.
I worked hard to try to touch, kiss, hug my husband on a regular basis. From him, I would receive a kiss when he got home in the evening and when he left in the morning. That was pretty much it. I would give him a kiss, a touch, a hug, a playful gesture each time I would get up to go to the kitchen or another room. I would not get that in return. I remember the last kiss I gave him. It was like kissing a stone statue, he was so cold.
I, too, longed for more touching and intimacy. Imagine my surprise one evening when my husband said he needed more touching. I told him I did, too. Yet...he did nothing to move towards me, to increase the hugs, kisses, etc.
Don't give up. Sometimes couples need to schedule times to be close and intimate. At first it may seem contrived. But as time goes by, it should become more natural. Sometimes people do have different needs/desires for intimacy. However, if people really love each other and want to stay together, they should be able to compromise and give the other what they need so long as it is a reasonable request. Good luck to you. Don't give up.
This has been my experience.
Submitted by Clarity on
This has been my experience. My husband's ADD behavior can be unpredictable and volatile which I don't find endearing. He angers easily over small things that I could ignore. This is disturbing to me and not something I want to cuddle up with. His attempts to touch me are few and awkward, it doesn't feel right.
Though my husband enjoys getting together with family or friends the work load of having people over falls on me. He has also put me in a number of awkward situations and I now avoid socializing. On the occasion we do attend a family function or some other outing, I make sure to stay far away from him and in conversation with others.
Though I was once young and naive enough to think that we could build a life together almost thirty years of unsettling behavior has caused me to respond by withdrawing to avoid conflict. I was once outgoing and confident, now I am reclusive and quiet.
Your post could have been
Submitted by gekkedwaas on
Your post could have been written word for word by my partner. She complains of being left alone and not understanding why we don't do things together anymore. She states the same thing about waiting for affection from me.
I am the introvert and she is the extrovert (and yes we have testing to show this); we complemented each other in the beginning. She brought out more in me and I gave her a calm anchor, but as the years have passed we have overflowed.
Her inconsistencies, anger outbursts and many other ADD related behaviors have pushed me back into my shell. The others are spot on about not wanting to reach out in affection for the same person who may bite you a second later. It's very tiring being on guard all the time, especially from the one you love most.
You say you want touch, etc without having to ask for it, do you do the same? My partner thinks that she does all the outreach, that she "always" has to start things and yet in my memory she has not voluteered a kiss or touch for years. Sometimes there is a very distinct disconnect with what the ADD partner perceives and what the nonADD partner perceives.
My partner and I have been going through a serious rough patch and we have both been trying to work things out. I thought we had made some inroads until last night.
I accepted her invite to sit with her while she worked on her art project and I on mine. We chose some records to put on the turntable. We were working quietly, enjoying the old school music and making nice conversation. It was wonderful. Then the subject of my daughter (from a previous relationship) came up. My daughter can be a dangerous subject for us to discuss for many reasons, too deep to go into right now. I had so hoped that the work we have been doing would have stopped her grabbing that bone and chewing until the marrow bled out.
But I my hopes were dashed once again.
I began to get quieter and ceased talking at all when my partner uttered that wonderful statement, "I just have to say..." and proceeded to rehash all the things that I did or didn't do and what my daughter needs to do in order to "fix" things.
She finally noticed that I wasn't repsonding anymore and said she felt like it was pulling teeth to get me to talk. All that we had done before was gone in an instant. The good mood and connection we had built up the past couple of nights quietly working side by side had vanished.
I ended up spending most of the night on the couch and she didn't say goodbye to me this morning when she left for work (I'm on vacation until tomorrow night). And before anyone says that I should have said something before it went too far - I've been there, that opens another whole can of worms.
What I am trying to say with this recent example is that even though you state you have a mild case of ADD, it can be difficult, from my own experience, to make sure that you both are actually operating in the same world. Perceptions on how things are going can be totally different and each partner can be blinded to the actual reasons some long ingrained behaviors have developed.
I would have loved to have capped last night off with a more intimate encounter with my partner, but all the loving energy was drained with a single statement, "I just have to say..."
You may want to look for clues to see if there are things that have set up this dynamic between you and your wife.
I
As I sit and read all of
Submitted by Lonelyheart on
As I sit and read all of these postings here, I cry because I have spent my life in loneliness from childhood until even now. I grew up in a large family but due to the mental abuse conflicted on us by our dad and his control over my mother this caused much of the division in relationship between me and my siblings. My dad to this day is extremelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly self centered. It’s all about him or nothing. My mom finally got out after 30+ years of marriage to him. I became content with the understanding about 12 years ago that I may never have the father daughter relationship anyone would desire. There is no relationship.
I thought my marriage would be much better with regard to love and affection being shown through touch and communication of words. Now I've been married coming up on 24 years. I've suffered through all of what the poster, Jelly888, has described in his relationship except I know I am the extrovert and I know from reading the symptoms that my husband is a definite an introvert. I don't need a doctor to diagnosis that one. He has had no need for friends since the beginning. He has a ritual, a kiss on going, coming, leaving for work, going to bed sometimes, and returning from work. There is nothing in between. He does rub my back sometime in bed but it goes no further than that. Anything I can get from him is like pulling teeth. He could lay in bed with me for two days and never make an advance toward me. He does not want me to leave him though. I believe he loves me. He doesn't go anywhere other than work so if he is cheating, he is extra good and I know she isn't getting much.
While I know I have my own issues such as emotional outburst, anger and lashing out verbally from continued rejection and lack of love shown by my father and siblings I do know its not all me. I do also know upon reading the posting that gekkedwaas placed and describe what his wife says I have a saying as well that is not helping my introverted husband in getting close to me. I don't know what it is since he hasn't expressed it. I’ve gone to counseling for myself. He says he wants to go but using his favorite words, Can't, won't be able to and any other negative to kill any dream or goal. I'll have to find it for him, schedule it and then probably go and talk for him since there will be nothing wrong. Life is peachy keen, so he acts in his shut up world of no communication. Its been that way since we married and he promised me that it would change once we got married. No ma’am, no sir it did not change. I see a small bit of change for the moment everytime he thinks I'm serious about getting out of this lonely hell hole of a roommate situation. I’m tired is always the excuse and it burns a bigger hole in my heart every time I hear and see it which is everyday. I'm so past tired of the excuses. I will look for the counseling again for the both of us.
I pray that God makes a change in our marriage for the better soon.