Forum topic: Eye rolling, stonewalling, arguing with possible ADHD?

Whether or not it's ADHD, it's certainly a sign of treating you poorly. He is deflecting the blame to you for being emotional when HE is the one at fault. Your emotions are NATURAL reactions to being dismissed and disrespected. His behavior is not good partnering and your requests were far from unreasonable.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. 

This was a huge issue in my marriage, and it came to a head when we first had kids, but we only realized what it was recently.   Because of RSD, my husband was convinced that all of my emotions were about HIM.  So if I was anxious, he would get angry because he didn't do anything to make me anxious.  If I was sad, he would get angry because he didn't make me sad. 

I was confused about all of this because he would be there for me for obvious things, like a death in the family, but if I was nervous over a job interview or something, he would become angry.   Then this caused a spiral because, who needs someone picking a fight with you right before a job interview, and then I would become angry with him, which reinforced his belief that he was the reason for my original emotion.  Then he thinks it's normal for me to get upset with him over nothing, and anticipates it, hence the eye-rolling (yep, mine does it too) and the expectation that me asking for anything was me picking a fight.   He didn't understand that when I asked him for things, I was asking for HELP and not criticizing him for not doing the thing in the first place.  

This all came out recently when after nearly 20 years of marriage I was upset about something and he finally, finally, said "why is everything my fault?" instead of picking at me.  I was like "this has absolutely nothing to do with you, I just want your support." We are still working on the part where he insists that he thinks this because I thought everything was his fault in the past (I never did!  I only thought things that were his fault were his fault, like a reasonable person.), but knowing what was going on and being able to name it really helped.
 

Hi! I just started my post by saying my searches lead me here. I think you are in the right place. I could have written most of what you wrote myself. I tried to have a civil conversation last night about where things are going, and even though I took responsibility for my part, all he heard was what I said about him, and he refused to really give much credence to anything I said because "we've already talked about it" and "he already knows what he's done." Sending you some healing. You are not alone.

Just beginning this journey myself, I see myself in your post. Waiting to get into the doc for a formal diagnosis but I'm 99.9999% positive it is ADHD. He came to the revelation on his own a short time ago, and I've been reading everything I can get my hands on and it fits him to a T. For about a year I was wondering if I was married to a narcissist but I now see the rage and blame through the ADHD framework and it makes much more sense.

His outbursts are always "caused" by me and are my fault. If only I (the non-adhd spouse) could keep it together, he wouldn't have to react this way. And then once the dust has settled (sometimes takes a few days) he wonders why I can't just "move past it." If I cry he claims I am trying to manipulate him. He becomes extremely petuland and immature.  Much of the time when I try to address something simple with him, usually some sort of daily task (I swear-it can be something as simple as "hey, can you pick up XYZ from the store), it escalates into me "micro-managing him" and somehow ends up in him blowing up, blaming my emotions for his blow up (if only his wife could just keep it together), and I'm left crying alone (I've learned to not do it in front of him) while he takes the space he needs to cool off and I'm still holding the bag of making sure our child is taken care of. I love him and when things are good he is super attentive, etc. I was recently quite sick and he waited on me hand and foot.  It wasn't always like this but the added responsibilities of being a grown-up and having a kid seem to have driven him off the cliff.

I'm with you. Holding it together while it seems like he has no idea how it affects me. It's very lonely not being able to have a normal adult conversation.

I feel your pain.  My wife diagnosed with ADHD does the same thing.  Does the eye rolling, the not acknowledgeing errors and just pretending to listen.  Its pretty frustrating.  There is a whole industry it seems suggesting that to solve the issue we non-adhd people have to be patient and accepting and yada yada.  It really will not work and couples counseling and CBT will also have limited efficacy.  Medications work o.k. for some but do wear off and given we are talking ADHD they will not take it consistently.   Anyhow, we non=adhd people need to be realistic and adapt.  There is no magic fix, just coping strategies.  ADHD is a serous set of neurodevelopmental  issue and just like you cannot make someone taller you cant fix ADHD. Some people manage to make it work and its a bit of an industry to tell people that hey Richard Branson had ADHD so you too are a special creative person, this ignores the variation in intellignece, drive and support structures.  This making adhd people they are the next creative captain of industry does a disservice to persons who can;t organize breakfast, pay taxes, lose their wallet and forget to get their kids and fired from a middle management job...Despite the rah rah talk and assertions of how you can make ADHD work, the actual medical and clinical research shows that the odds are not in the favor of improvement..  I hope you have a support structure and friends.  Without those and the need to raise and keep my children safe I would have left long ago.  Good luck and god bless

It was always a challenge to discern whether she was actually listening but looking somewhere else, pretending to listen, hearing but not listening (not processing information)....

We are recently divorced and have had no-contact for about 8 months following a 14 year relationship. I miss her every second of every day but these reminders of how lonely I felt were helpful. And YES--- not being able to deal with any emotion on my part--- I wasn't allowed to be sad without her fixing it or dismissing it,  angry without her freezing or getting scared, excited without her jumping in and stealing the spotlight.... I couldn't even hum a tune without her singing the SAME song, but in a different key, and LOUDER. It's like the opposite of an emotional container -- more like quicksand. 

The eye- contact: If I asked if she was listening, she would say "I AM listening!" (angrily) But how could I know? If she interrupted, i'd just put my head down and say, "ouch", in an effort to get her to see her part without accusing. Her response would also be to get angry. 

And yet, given the wonderful times in our lives, i still want her back for some reason. Maybe someone can relate.