Eyes Wide Open: Diagnosis this Week

My husband received his diagnosis this week, and him and my son have taken off to visit his mother for the weekend. As I do research and read read read I'm having floods of realizations wash over me, it all makes sense. One of the things that I've felt so strongly for so long (we've been together for 10 years) is a strong sense of loneliness, and as though he never truly engages me in conversation, or is capable of empathy.

Some of these realizations are incredibly painful. For instance, the foundation of our relationship was built on for me was an experience I interpreted as empathy--but now I realize he just coincidentally was going through the same thing I was--and was talking about himself and what was going on for him in that moment.

Everywhere I look I see things that I've talked about--like getting a new comforter for our bed--and now I realize that he's not waiting for anything--or trying to deny me anything--it's just gone it was in that moment--and now it's over. The vacations that I've asked him for they are not ever going to happen unless I make them. He's never going to plan a birthday party for me, or even decide to take me on a date. He'll never realize that the utility room is full of recycling that needs to go out. Or that the light is still broken in the hall. Those things are not on his to do list--they are just part of the cloud for him. The dug-out pile of dirt backyard project is never going to get finished. The closets will always be full of piles of stuff. He'll always leave his bags everywhere. 

This experience for me is ranging from the mere annoying--to the heartbreaking.