Facing the Truth

This afternoon, I picked up my ADHD Effect on Marriage book again and read a bit. It is always so hard to read this book because my ADD husband refuses to seek any form of treatment, but says "it's just his personality". I married him and so I just need to deal with who he is. Plain and simple. It's very defeating. And the truth is....I spend every spare moment of my life trying to escape reality. I can't sleep at night. I'm depressed. I'm angry. I am very very isolated and alone in this. And I have 2 young children. Recently I got a prescription for anti-depressants and I'm actually really looking forward to possibly feeling better. I don't look at all the fragments of my life very often. I can't. It's very, very hard. It feels like a black hole that has no way out. Not at all what I expected my life to be. The dynamics in our marriage have affected us both as well as close friendships. There are more medical issues that have affected our relationship as well, that cannot be shared openly either. My husband continues in old coping mechanisms he's used since childhood and they have not translated well into marriage and family. He is very reclusive and angry. It breaks my heart to see the continual struggle he lives in and how he does nothing to help himself. There is almost a self-destructiveness there that I don't understand. He is a sweet father and plays so well with his boys. I truly enjoy being with him and his playful nature. But so many other things are just....wonky....off kilter and chaotic. Honestly, I never dreamed I'd be in a place where I was taking a pill to feel better and survive in life. But here I am...unable to change the tornado I am linked to in marriage and desperate to find some footing. This has truly been the most difficult thing in my life outside of being a mother. There are so many wonderful things about my husband, but I don't know how to balance those with the craziness and lack of marital support.