Failed relationship, recent break up


Hello everyone. I recently found this site due to starting dating an ADHD man. Well, dating would be quite an optimistic description. That´s why I ended up on this site and oh my did I recognize myself and him in almost every post. He is officially un diagnosed and has mentioned a couple of times that he probably has this ’shit’ (his word for referring to ADHD). He is absolutely the hyperactive type, something that I have never seen in my life before. Did a few iron man, always on the go, always working, always on the screen, always stressed, restless, on edge, very successful professionally. Really different from anyone i have ever met before. And that´s why I fell for him. Could be so sweet and charming and the chemistry between un was undeniable. He did mention though that he had been diagnosed with epilepsy and is quite reactive, impulsive and stressed most of the times, is prone to anxiety, depression and has zero tolerance for negative feedback. I noticed pretty soon that it was impossible to have almost any king of commitment or arrangement with him. That started to stress me out as I began to see he was unreliable. In the beginning I tried to rationalize it by the fact that he was legitimately busy. Has two factories, travels a lot internationally, has 2 small kids from previous marriage..

The relationship was passionate but rocky. He said he has no idea how to integrate a new relationship into his hectic lifestyle, to which I was naive to think that love will help us to get there. Boy was I naive.

Things started to get stranger. I realized that he was still partly living in the house with his kids and their mother (never married, just a civil arrangement), stating that’s because he owns the house and travels a lot, didn’t have any custody arrangement whatsoever and according to his words, due to his busy schedule, he comes to see them when he can and that’s how it works for him and that he hasn’t had a relationship with their mother for years. His youngest son has some type of neurological disorder and epilepsy.  I myself am divorced as well, and the separation and the divorce was messy, but now I can not imagine staying under the same roof with my ex husband, even if we have an ok relationship post divorce. So all this just seems to me as pretty much an inappropriate, messy situation, with a complete lack of boundaries, rules, order and what not. Basically I understood that he likes to do what he wants, when he wants and how he wants it and everything to be on his terms. 

He has a pretty severe RSD, the term I got familiar with after researching some of his over the top reactions to pretty regular stuff, may be not the best wording from my part but nothing that warranties blocking/unblocking, catastrophic thinking, threatening break up etc..

I think I endured pretty heavy stuff on his part, but never reacted in such a way.

I once raised a legitimate concern about his living arrangement with his family and how uncomfortable I was with that and that it made dating complicated. He had a small flat to himself apart from the house, but was rarely there. His response was to get angry, saying that he never wants to talk about it again, that he feels to be put on the spot and doesn’t want that. And that generally he just wants love and adoration out of this relationship. Otherwise he is not interested. I felt appalled by this and almost left in tears to which in the end he apologized and proposed a trip. We haven´t spoken in 3 weeks, after that i decided to give it one more chance and accepted the trip. (I later realized it was an RSD reaction to my raising a concern)

The latest episode was about us going on a trip together. He asked me to send him my ‘documents’ so he can get the tickets without stating specifically what information he needs. Not to mention it was all done on the last day, all the while he had mentioned the trip weeks ago. I sent him the part of my ID that clearly shows my name, DOB and everything that is required to buy a ticket. He wrote back that he needs a passport as well since he needs to get some permit (I later found out it was true), we don’t live in the US. Im sad and embarrassed to admit the lack of trust that was apparent between us. I logically new that I had nothing to worry about sending him the copy of my passport. But for some reason I hesitated, since he was always quite secretive and I resented that. In the end I sent him my passport and within a matter of seconds he went off on me that why don’t I go and do it all on my own, the whole trip, since I don’t trust him. And this coming from a man that never formally told me his last name (I later found out by myself) and when we first travelled together he sent me the photo of his boarding pass cutting his name out. Asked for my email to forward me the reservation, but didn’t and sent me a photo on WhatsApp instead. Embarrassing, I know. I am ashamed to acknowledge what I have tolerated and even more so why. I never felt that he was in any way a danger to me, knew where he worked, went to his factory, etc. Its just the whole ADHD thing makes you to allow crazy stuff to happen. Not an excuse for me, but caught me off guard. The attraction between us was just magical and I lost sight of everything else. I know I obviously need to work on my boundaries.

So now, his last message to me was that he can’t take it any more of how bad I make him feel sometimes and he doesn’t want this type of anger and frustration in his life. That I always question him, see a dark side of everything and generally am negative. That I am welcome to buy and go on a trip by myself using the cut out photo that I sent him, and enjoy a good weather that I detected (he takes offense of even my mentioning the weather, in response to his mentioning the weather, he thinks I am opposing..), and that my way is valid, its just not his way. I was speechless of such an aggressive reaction, but honestly I already kind of got used to it. 

I also know from his words that he felt the same way about his ex partner and his ex gf, that he was a victim of their mistreatment. 

I wrote back that It was a shame that he saw so much of the negativity in my attitude towards him, since I actually loved him dearly  in spite of all the mess (He knew I was crazy about him). And that I didn't send him the cut out photo of my ID to offend him, but because it had the information i thought he needed. I do realize why he felt offended though, Since I also felt bad when he cut out his name the first time around. I feel bad and guilty about doing that. And also that after all the accommodations I made for his symptoms, I am finally to blame for the bad treatment and that the relationship won’t work. And above all for the lack of trust. Trust is difficult to build and maintaining when you have to lower your expectations to near zero to avoid the uncontrollable feeling of disappointment..  I know, the same old story on this forum. But feels really hurtful and unfair. I can not imagine how many of you here got married and arrived at decades mark and raised children with people like that. Terrible, sad, heartbreaking experience. I guess my only question is , was I really at fault in this last case that offended him so deeply that I didn’t trust him or is it a form of gaslighting on his part?   I did send him everything he asked for, but he took offense I hesitated. It really hurts to have to end it like that.Thank you for reading. Best wishes to all of you.