Hey all,
Just joined today. Came to the realization that my ADHD (which was diagnosed last year) has been a huge issue in how I've handled arguments and so many other aspects of my marriage and now we are at a point where we are separated. Our situation is that we co-signed a lease together on a little studio apartment and one of us spends a week at the apartment while the other is at home with the kids, and then we swap the next week.
This is week 2 of this and I've been at home with the kids struggling quite a bit. Communication is minimal, limited to essential and kid related communication. She scheduled a new Marriage Counselor for us, which I was thrilled to see, but I've also heard that often, unless the counselor has experience working with couples where ADHD is involved, it will usually just not work out well.
I want to be a better man for myself, my children, and my wife because they are my world, and it's so hard to feel so helpless right now. I don't want to be that husband that doesn't take action and gives up something so amazing and incredible.
Any and all advice as we work through this part of our journey would be amazing.
Don’t say hurtful things
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Only piece of advice I've got, I'm afraid: Don't say hurtful things. Keep arguments decent and respectful and avoid fighting ugly.
If my marriage problems were boiled down, ugly fighting would remain unsolved on the bottom. That one the marriage couldn't survive.
Great Advice
Submitted by cheffluke on
Thank so much, Swedish Coast. It's really great advice and something I've been trying to pay attention to lately. We've been communicating pretty well overall these last couple of weeks, granted it's all mostly just essential stuff and kids. Probably the space away has helped us be able to take a step back and communicate on a more even ground again, and I've made one somewhat impulsive decision during that time and immediately called myself out on it and apologized and just said that I'm still working on it and she forgave me and said "how about we set some solid rules regarding spending without making those decisions together" which was a great step for us to communicate better. She's clearly trying as well which helps me feel that sense of love still, even if it's just a little bit.
I think the tricky thing right now is finding the right way for me to be like "Hey, I'm learning that a lot of the things I've done in the past, and the heightened emotions I have are not helped by my ADHD. I'm reading a lot of resources to try and work on that and I've gotten some resources that might help you understand why I handle some situations the way I do. This isn't trying to push the blame on the ADHD as I ultimately am the one that said the things I said, and made the impulsive decisions that I did, but I just want to you know that I understand it more now and am doing what I can do work on it to better myself." without it just sounding like an excuse or anything. I genuinely am doing this for myself at this point as I know that doing it for her is not the right reasons as I don't know if we will even have a future, but yeah. I think I'm going to just see how the next few weeks go and ease it in there.
Consistency and dependability
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Consistency and dependability is what she will need from you to know you belong together.
All the best of luck.
echoing Swedish but also my opinion
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
I echo what Swedish said.
Also, I am the non-ADHD and am slowly coming to terms with how much destruction my spouse - dx last year with ADHD but does not manage his symptoms or address his cormorbities of anxiety and depression - has caused. I think if you asked my husband how 'we' are, he might say the same thing you have; communication is going well, I am taking accountability...etc. But for me - and please know this is not to scare you but I'm only sharing what MY experience has been - my silence is due to the fact that I've shut myself down to him. He thinks we have communication because I no longer provide my opinion or feel like my feelings or comments or anything I want to say on it matters. So he thinks the fact that I don't bring things up anymore means we are OK. But we aren't.
If my husband came to me and said the things that you want to say, I'd shut myself down when you state the 2nd sentence....bc it comes across - even if you aren't intending it - as passing some accountability on to your wife. YOU have to take FULL accountability for YOURSELF. Please don't get me wrong, what you seem to be doing is genuine and I can tell that you are trying and with good intentions. But if she's anything like me (or the others that are on here) I'd get quite upset if my husband said that entire 2nd paragraph to me. In fact, i think it actually hurts your progress as well, because it reads as though you're saying: 'yes I know I've done some things, but if YOU COULD ONLY JUST XXXXX [insert what you think she should do here - in this case, look at the resources that you've found and understand why you handle things they way you do (this is justification, by the way)] then I think I can keep going on and working on this thing that I've realised is a pretty big deal'.
Can you see why this might be taken a little differently than you intended? If you truly think you are doing this for yourself, not one of the requests that should come from you will be something for her to do. You have to let her SEE and FEEL the changes - that need to be consistent and in time, maybe, she might look at some resources..maybe not. She definitely has played a part in this - no doubt - that's one of the hardest pills to swallow as the non-adhder in this and Melissa DOES cover this in the book(s0, groups, etc. Other ADHD coaches/therapist, if they are truly ADHD therapists, also cover this. It takes 2 - but SHE has to be allowed to work or repair or gain knowledge at her own pace. She's been expected to live life at your pace for so long.
If I was on the receiving end of a comment from my spouse, I would be most receptive to hearing this (I've amended your paragraph):
"Hey, I'm learning that a lot of the things I've done in the past, and the heightened emotions I have are not helped by my ADHD. I'm reading a lot of resources to try and work on that and I will continue to do so consistently. I don't want to push the blame onto ADHD, there are times its been overwhelming by how much my words selection or the impulsive decisions I've made have been piloted by ADHD and have affected you. I just want to you know that I understand it more now and am doing what I can do work on it to better myself."
All of the above would tell me that my spouse is ACTUALLY taking accountability. It's your journey and your treatment, she can of course support you, but she has her own journey too - that is different from yours.
I hope none of the above upsets you, I'm really thankful for posters like you that have come on the site and really engaged with the community and I really appreciate your bravery.
This was really great to read
Submitted by cheffluke on
This was really great to read. Thank you so much for your honesty and helping me see things from a different perspective. Words are not always easy for me, I've realized, and can lead to misunderstandings. None of what you said upset me at all. I'm taking in everyone's advice because it's so helpful just to hear others experiences and perspectives in these situations.
I've started looking for a new therapist that specializes in ADHD as my current one doesn't, reading a ton of books and materials, and just sitting in what has occurred, how we got there, and reflecting on it all. Looking at actions that I took in the past and trying to learn from them. Definitely expecting a long road ahead of us, but I'm more than willing to work at it as long as it takes.
Again, thank you for your response!
Don’t lie
Submitted by sickandtired on
Don't lie, don't minimize her feelings, don't blame her for things that are your responsibility, don't make her do all of the work, be an equal partner, not a dependent, don't make promises you can't keep.
All great points and ones I
Submitted by cheffluke on
All great points and ones I will take to heart as I continue this journey. Thank you so much for your response.
Hope the best for you
Submitted by AG on
I'm really glad you joined and wrote in. I've read all of the advice so far and I agree completely with all of them. I am a non ADHD partner who is thinking about divorcing my ADHD spouse every day. I am exhausted......EXHAUSTED!! I have no connection with him lately and feel like I am not a priority in his life. He says he is trying so hard- he's doing the seminar, he's going to couples therapy and he's going to his own therapist. But you know what? I have seen zero behavior change. He shows up for these things and gets to say he's trying but that's it. At most he said one code word when we were arguing about something. Did not work. I am more aware of the child role he fills and have worked on my responses when he asks if I could do something for him ( like buy him a mouthguard bc Vyvanse is causing him to clench/ grind, or put the tracker tiles on his belongings.). I tell him from learning in Melissa's seminar this is something you can do for yourself. We do need to identify and stop parent roles as well as the child roles! The blame game is also a problem for us. He's very defensive and turns thing back on me for any negative feelings he's having. " I was vulnerable and you took advantage"
Anyway- at least you recognize what the issue is it seems. You do need to show behaviors that you are managing you're ADHD and are taking steps to better your life. You need to acknowledge and own up to the reasons why you are separated right now, validate her feelings and actions and follow through with behavior changes to save your relationship and yourself. The seminar is a good place for lots info on where to start and specific actions you can take starting right now.
Please stay with us and good luck.
Thank you very much. I've
Submitted by cheffluke on
Thank you very much. I've started most of this stuff on my own because I've most certainly recognized the impact that I've had on my marriage, and it hurts me so much to know how much pain I've caused my SO. I need to be focusing on myself first and foremost through this because I do not want to feel like I'm making these changes just for her and then down the road I just stop working on things because we get to a point of being "comfy" again. I never want to be in that place again. I want to work on myself every day going forward, and hope that what comes with it is a re-connection, but also prepare myself for the reality that that day may never come and accept that.
Bravery and happiness that you're here
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
Also I wanted to add that I'm so happy you're here and that it shows how brave you're being by acknowledging and trying to take those uncomfortable steps.
Well done and yes it's tough but the reward will be great. I promise
Thank you so much. It's
Submitted by cheffluke on
Thank you so much. It's honestly been one of the most enlightening moments of my life so I'm thankful in many ways that I'm able to acknowledge this at this point.
Yes, the "how I got here" is painful and fills me with lots of regret and shame, but all I can do is work on myself at this point and hope that there will be a brighter day down the road at some point.
But I'm ready to travel this road as long as I need to to get to a point where I can manage my ADHD better.
Also I'm curious
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
If you can, could you share how you came to this realisation too? Was it your wife who said something? Was it you? Was it a medical professional? For me, I'm at the Cross roads and not sure how to go about trying to take steps forward to repair what we have.
And thank you for sharing your story
It was a combination of
Submitted by cheffluke on
It was a combination of things. Honestly the separation triggered me to really start digging deep and doing some soul searching. My wife told me that I've impulsive and have always been which definitely triggered a bit of a "ah ha!" moment, so I started searching up some things she's said to me in the past and kept coming up with reddit posts and such related to spouses with ADHD. It started making me wonder, so I did even more research and realized that a lot of things I have done in the past, or the way I react, etc fit so many of the descriptors of ADHD, so I quickly got a new psychiatrist, told them a number of the things that I've been doing such as impulsive behavior, mood swings, feeling constantly rejected and unloved, not being able to take feedback well from my spouse, etc. She suggested we trial Ritalin, which so far has really helped calm me down quite a bit, catch impulsive thoughts before they become actions (most of the time), and generally be much more level headed with my wife and kids recently.
From there, I kept doing more and more research and have been trying to do a lot of things to start travelling the long road ahead of finding better ways of managing my ADHD like finding a new therapist that specializes in ADHD, looking back at things I've said in the past, actions I've taken, etc that lead to the damage I've done on our marriage, and thinking about how those things I did/said hurt her without me realizing it at the time, and exploring better ways of handling those situations.
I also had some friends who have ADHD talk to me about some of this, and how difficult relationships have been for them because of these things, and were able to provide some great resources for me, including telling me about therapists that specialize in ADHD.
I can't change the past. I did what I did, and I'm in no way using ADHD as an excuse. Those actions were still mine and I have to live with that, but I'm starting the process of doing everything I can to get this under control just so I can be a better person in general. If this leads to my wife one day being able to feel safe with me again and begin to trust me again, that would be wonderful because she truly is my better half in every single way, and regardless of where we are right now, we've had an amazing life together with 2 incredible kids, but I'm also preparing myself for the very big possibility that the damage is already done and there may just not be a path back. I'm focusing on myself first and foremost, and I expect that my wife is doing the same during this time, which is great.
was there a single moment or pile on of events?
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
I really apppreciate your post. I'm so curious because I am on the cliff at the moment and not sure if it's going to be up to me to push us over and finally say 'enough!' or do I continue to wait and 'hope' my spouse comes to some realisations too? I am not asking you to tell me about my situation, but I'm so curious as to how it came to separation for you and yours. Was it a situation that your wife said 'ENOUGH!' and then did she outline what was going to happen? Did she ask for the separation? Did you know it was coming? Did you feel blindsided?
And if these questions are too much for you, and you want to tell me to eff off...Id' totally understand. You don't owe me or anyone here anything or an explanation or anything. I'm so genuinely curious because for me, I think if I told my husband we need to separate, he'd crumble so far into the abyss and I feel emense guilt about that (that I'm working with a therapist on but it's still really tough). but I'm wondering if you can share how you to the point of you posting above? Was it a single moment? Or a combination? What tipped it over the edge?
Guilt
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I feel for you. I'm sorry you're anticipating guilt if taking the lead to separate.
It's really too much, isn't it, to be alone with the big decisions? I felt with the severe ADD decisions were all mine, and certainly it's very hard to leave someone who's ill. It's like we don't have a social contract for this.
Sometimes I feel like a big advocate for divorce here on the forum, but please rest assured I deeply get the difficulty of deciding whether or not to leave. I only wish your marriage would treat you better.
She asked for the separation.
Submitted by cheffluke on
She asked for the separation. I can't say I was surprised it was coming, but I also didn't necessarily expect it how it was. A lot of what happened definitely blindsided me. She said it was a slow rolling ball over a decade that led to where she was now. We both admitted to a lack of communication through all of this, which definitely added to the situation. I honestly do not know what will happen in the future at this point. There was a situation this summer that kind of accelerated a lot of this involving a male friend, who was in fact only a friend, but I got incredibly jealous and uncomfortable with how deep of a friendship they developed over a short period of time, because I was feeling pretty neglected from an emotional standpoint, so to see her put some much effort into this other guy made me feel so rejected and unloved that it made me spiral.
We are going to celebrate our anniversary on Friday still, and she seemed genuinely excited about it (we're going to see Wicked on stage), so I'm just trying to focus on the positive with that. I have no expectations besides us going and enjoying a show together and then taking her home.
We are starting up marriage counseling with a new counselor next week. We focused a lot on the past in the previous marriage counselor that we stopped going to, so it was like reliving a lot of the trauma all over again. I don't know if that is the correct path forward or not, but I'm just going to go with the flow. I'm hoping this marriage counselor has some experience with ADHD partners, but if not I'll continue to do what I can with my own therapist and resources I have while I try to better myself.
Sorry, I got side tracked I
Submitted by cheffluke on
Sorry, I got side tracked I just realized. The whole event over the summer got me into therapy and IOP because I was having so many night terrors, just full breakdowns when I'd see my wife, etc. It was really really hard for her and for myself and I thought I was losing my mind.
Therapy started getting me thinking in different ways and managing some of my feelings, but it wasn't focused on ADHD because I was pretty oblivious to the idea that ADHD may be a symptom of the issues we have been facing.
Her asking for the separation is was ultimately made me start looking for as many resources as possible. Her comment about my impulsivity and lack of being able to respect her need for space and autonomy is what made me start to discover the ADHD aspect of all of this. So now I'm just at a place where I need to find the right people to talk to, the right resources, and at some point hopefully be able to share some of that with her as well.
Still thinking
Submitted by AG on
cheffluke
Still thinking about your post. I've been sifting thru the group messages and website lately. Came across a post and Melissa's blog quoting the book This Is How Your Marriage Ends
Wouldn't hurt to check out the author, maybe it might help give perspective & insight?
Thanks so much for the
Submitted by cheffluke on
Thanks so much for the suggestion! I've added it to my list :)
It's a marathon not a sprint
Submitted by shevrae on
If things have gotten so bad that your wife needs to be away from you, be prepared for this separation to last for a while. You are struggling after 2 weeks but it may be the first time in a long time that she has managed to find any space to breathe. It may be the first time in years she feels she can relax in her own personal space. Your goal should not be to hurry up and fix a couple of big issues so you can end the separation, but how to become the kind of person your wife can feel safe and relax around.
You have to be in it for the long haul. You cannot rush her back into your marriage. Your sudden realization doesn't undo all the years of damage to her. You are going to have to prove that you mean it when you say you want to be a better man by actually becoming a better man. Get help. You need your own counselor or coach in addition to a marriage counselor. Learn how to see your relationship from her perspective and apologize for the hurtful things you have done. It's been hard on your kids too - you have to work on making things better for them if you want any chance of getting your wife back.
Bringing a marriage back from the brink is really hard. My ADHD husband and I have been at it for years and we are making progress but only because he learned how to accept feedback without getting instantly defensive and he started taking responsibility for himself and his words and behaviors rather than telling me how I had to act so that he could behave properly. He was also diagnosed with anxiety and his meds for that have been life-changing. Iit took a long time for me to feel comfortable reconnecting in the marriage and he was willing to be patient.
Best of luck to you
I'm definitely not expecting
Submitted by cheffluke on
I'm definitely not expecting a magic fix at all. I expect this will be lasting for a very very long time. I know this space has been what she has been needing, so I'm more than happy to keep doing this as long as it takes.
I've started searching for a new therapist that specializes in ADHD, reading books and resources, etc. additudemag.com has been one of my big go-to's lately along with books and podcasts.
While I certainly hope that one day I can be the man that my wife once was in love with, I also realize that that starts with me focusing on myself, trying to better myself for MYSELF first and foremost, and possibly the rest will come along the way.
Thank you for your great response. It was helpful for me to have a better sense of the road ahead.