DH and I started back with our daily meetings (his request after needing his space). We had a largely positive conversation (YAY!) We talked through some issues from the past weeks (during the time that he was in his space 3+ weeks). We were all set to meet again tonight - I was really looking forward to our meeting. Personally, I had a very stressful day (I have 2 kids that have been ill with influenza for the 7 out of the last 10 days, I had a job interview, received very bad news regarding my dad's health, along with the normal running of a home and family and selling some items online for extra money) I did call DH at the office (1pm) to let him know of a couple of emails that needed his attention prior to the end of the day and that I was (at his request) on my way to register the family at the health club, then a stop at the pharmacy, grocery store, home to fix dinner and then off to my interview, and that I had received really bad diagnosis regarding my dad's health. DH replied that we would talk about all of that later tonight during our meeting. He requested that I call him when I returned home from my errands to deal with the emails and I did. I handled them as he requested. Went about the remainder of my afternoon(preparing dinner, getting ready for my interview, ect), I headed off for my 30 min interview, put dinner in the oven prior to leaving, returned home as the timer was going off on the oven for dinner. I then feed the kids, made a dinner plate for DH, put away the dinner food and checked temperatures (one had a fever that was to high for my liking) and begin to get ready to bring him to the urgent care office as DH was arriving home from work. I could sense that he had had a difficult day - he was quiet and edgy. I brought my son to the urgent care, pharmacy and then back home all within 40 mins. The instant I returned home DH announced that he and my youngest were heading to the club (7:30 pm). Honestly, my initial thought was "what? what about the rest of us? what about me? I could use a break?" but I stopped myself from saying anything and thought again about how he had arrived home and the stress and edginess in his demeanor and realized that DH really did NEED to go to the gym. That going to the gym was a way for him to deal with his "mood" in a positive way. So I helped my daughter find her things for the gym and sent them both off with a smile and "have a good time!" While I tended to my son, did some house work, ect. figuring that he would be back in time for our 9 pm meeting. 9 pm came and went - no DH no phone call from DH - still I figured he was just running late. Surely he wouldn't forget about our meeting tonight. Well, 10:30 pm he and daughter arrive home - I admit I was not in the mood to chat by then. I was very quiet - afraid that if I said anything that I'd say the wrong things and really make a mess of things. All I could think was I don't want to blow this. I don't want to get mad. Getting mad only makes things worse and I want to handle this the right way. - I want to be a positive energy force, not negative. That's when I realized that I didn't know what is the right way to communicate this to him? I feel that I need to let him know how his missing a meeting when I really needed his emotional support (regarding dad's health and the kids being sick) made me feel disrespected and unsupported. Just as I supported him in his need to go to the gym tonight. But how do I do this without sounding like a mother punishing her child - I want him to understand that his actions (going to the gym for 2.5 hrs and missing our meeting) has an effect on our relationship (feelings of being disrespected/unsupported for me).
I have been pouring over this site for that last 2 hours making notes of area for my to work on and improve (which I am completely open and willing and ready to do) and looking for tips on communication of not so pleasant issues. I have found some great ideas for self improvement but not anything on how and when to approach ADD spouse with a topic that may come off sounding like I'm being critical of him or blaming him - when what I really want to communicate is that my feelings were hurt (feeling disrespected and unsupported) when you did A (missing the meeting). If I say it that way - will it be perceived by DH that I am blaming?
Any suggestions are welcome.