Hi all - first post after finding this via Google.
I've read a lot of posts that give me great comfort in knowing I am not alone in this, but also a lot of fear that things really do not change and if I should carry on with this relationship.
I met my husband in 2016, he was diagnosed with ADHD in 2018 and we married in 2019. I feel like his diagnosis has been detrimental to our marriage as ever since it's like his symptoms have been heightened and as if he plays up to it or hides behind it rather than taking control.
The last 18 months have been like a constant rollercoaster where we are up and down with getting on, or not. The arguments are also daily, usually over something petty or him just being mean to me because he's stressed, or tired.... Then trying to communicate with him is impossible as he just blames me for everything and takes no accountability for his action because, "he is so good to me and I should show him more respect" "if I loved him, I wouldn't talk to him like this", "I should just agree with him and not try to battle/or have a different option"
I've been to see a therapist on my own previously who helped for some time by helping me learn how to defuse situations instead of allowing them to escalate but he is now wise to this and chooses to not allow them to deescalate. I also feel like I was making the effort to not argue and he just wanted to argue and carry on being mean, calling me horrible names, telling me I am useless, being physical with me etc. When this upsets me (although I refuse to cry in front of him) he mocks me in a baby voice saying "aww you going to have a cry because I've told you some truths you don't like" etc.
I know I might not be the easiest person as I am also feisty and will hold my own and not allow him to treat me badly without saying anything. There are lots of petty things he does that wind me up, but I ignore them (like leaving clothes everywhere on the floor, leaving dirty crockery on the worktop by the dishwasher instead of just putting them in there etc). However, the smallest thing I might do gets the meanest criticism to make me feel stupid and small. He is constantly threatening me with divorce for stupid things like "if you don't make me feel like you care more", "If you ruin my weekend by being miserable like usual", "if we argue once more..." the list is endless.
I gave up my career a few months ago under some pressure from him and also by my own choice to allow his career to accelerate (which it is) and for me to take on the running of the house, life, family etc. I know we are fortunate that we can depend on his salary only, but then again, this is used against me and I'm made to feel like "I add no value to his life" and he would be "better off (financially) without me". It's the damned if I do, damned if I don't scenario. He reminds me constantly that everything we have is because of him and not because of me and that I would be f**ked without him as I have no job and no salary. Even things I bought whilst I was working (like a car) he tells me is because of him, because I didn't pay as much as he has towards other things, despite the fact he earned 3x my salary, so things would never be 50/50.
I'm constantly berated because he thinks I do not make enough effort. He lives in this Utopian world where no one can live up to his expectations and is constantly angry with everyone and everything for not being good enough. I feel like I am walking on eggshells the entire time as I never know if what I am doing is 'good enough' or if I have to talk to him about something, how he will react. He is so hyper-focused on his job that it seems to be the only thing he can ever talk about.
I have recently managed to convince him to see a therapist and to reassess his medication with his psychiatrist but there is no improvement. I guess I'm just starting to wonder if I will ever rediscover the man I met and fell in love with or whether his diagnosis and medication will never allow that to happen. If it is the latter, can I learn to love the man he is now.....
Sorry for the long post, I feel like I had a lot to get off my chest.