Counseling has been great, but it's opened up deep wounds. Some of the things that have surfaced I couldn't even connect the dots and wasn't aware of. I feel like I've been duped, mislead, deceived by my ADHD husband. I feel the man he was when we dated is NOT who he really was/is. I realize that he did not do this intentionally and it was the hyperfocused phase and the illness, but I feel terrible, I feel mad, I feel like I gave up myself.
Just background: I lived in a 3rd world country for two years (before meeting my husband). At the age of 22 I was the one collecting things from other Americans and handing them out to the kids in the neighborhood (school supplies being thrown away, toys etc). I lived in the "slums" because I couldn't afford a car and had to walk places or take the bus. One day I came home and my dog was running loose because someone stole my dog chain tie-out. I was PISSED!! Things cost a lot there and I didn't have the money to buy a new one!!! A boy came up and told me he knew who stole it. He took me to their house: a corrugated metal shack with no electricity and a dirt floor. They had stolen my chain to tie their pig out. Needless to say I let them keep the chain!
I've also wanted to adopt a child since I was 18 after watching a documentary about Russian orphanages. It's been a dream of mine since then. I DID discuss this with my husband when we dated (he was all on-board) AND into our marriage. When I found the agency, the country, the grants and tax credits and was ready to go, he showed NO emotion or interest and my heart broke. I guess it was at that moment that I KNEW we were heading in different directions.
My point is: I LOVE helping others, I love humanitarian work and when I met my husband, he did too (so he said). This is who I am in my core, this is how I was raised, this is how I want to live my life. I married this person based on what he told me and what we talked about.
My therapist said that I was too focused on the children when they were little, plus doing all the housework etc so I never really realized I wasn't' being ME. Once my kids became a little more self sufficient, it became very obvious that fundamentally we were different people.
My husband doesn't get passionate about ANYTHING (that I've seen), he has no religious beliefs ( he did when we dated so he said).
I am so angry at myself for allowing this to happen. I feel like I've been living a lie. I've been embarrassed by his behavior and the state of our house, I've isolated myself from friends and family and I could JUST KICK MYSELF. I'm more angry now at myself for living like this than my anger towards his ADHD behaviors.
I do know that he didn't do this intentionally (or so I think), but part of my brain wonders if he just told me what I wanted to hear and I was too stupid to figure it out for 14 more years.
I'm crushed, I hurt so badly and I don't know how to get through this. My therapist will help "fix" me and try to get me through this anger phase. But now I feel like my life has been a lie and I allowed it to happen. I told my therapist WHAT WAS I THINKING getting involved with this person. She said if we all had out crystal balls and could see our future, there would be no divorce. How I wish I had that crystal ball 14 years ago.
I'm posting this because I don't know if others feel the same way, could lend advice, have gotten through this feeling. And just to vent.