Feel like I've been mislead...

Counseling has been great, but it's opened up deep wounds.  Some of the things that have surfaced I couldn't even connect the dots and wasn't aware of.  I feel like I've been duped, mislead, deceived by my ADHD husband.  I feel the man he was when we dated is NOT who he really was/is.  I realize that he did not do this intentionally and it was the hyperfocused phase and the illness, but I feel terrible, I feel mad, I feel like I gave up myself.

Just background:  I lived in a 3rd world country for two years (before meeting my husband).  At the age of 22 I was the one collecting things from other Americans and handing them out to the kids in the neighborhood (school supplies being thrown away, toys etc).  I lived in the "slums" because I couldn't afford a car and had to walk places or take the bus.  One day I came home and my dog was running loose because someone stole my dog chain tie-out.  I was PISSED!!  Things cost a lot there and I didn't have the money to buy a new one!!!  A boy came up and told me he knew who stole it.  He took me to their house: a corrugated metal shack with no electricity and a dirt floor.  They had stolen my chain to tie their pig out.  Needless to say I let them keep the chain! 

I've also wanted to adopt a child since I was 18 after watching a documentary about Russian orphanages.  It's been a dream of mine since then.  I DID discuss this with my husband when we dated (he was all on-board) AND into our marriage.  When I found the agency, the country, the grants and tax credits and was ready to go, he showed NO emotion or interest and my heart broke.  I guess it was at that moment that I KNEW we were heading in different directions.

My point is: I LOVE helping others, I love humanitarian work and when I met my husband, he did too (so he said).  This is who I am in my core, this is how I was raised, this is how I want to live my life.  I married this person based on what he told me and what we talked about.

My therapist said that I was too focused on the children when they were little, plus doing all the housework etc so I never really realized I wasn't' being ME.  Once my kids became a little more self sufficient, it became very obvious that fundamentally we were different people.

My husband doesn't get passionate about ANYTHING (that I've seen), he has no religious beliefs ( he did when we dated so he said).

I am so angry at myself for allowing this to happen.  I feel like I've been living a lie.  I've been embarrassed by his behavior and the state of our house, I've isolated myself from friends and family and I could JUST KICK MYSELF.  I'm more angry now at myself for living like this than my anger towards his ADHD behaviors.

I do know that he didn't do this intentionally (or so I think), but part of my brain wonders if he just told me what I wanted to hear and I was too stupid to figure it out for 14 more years.

I'm crushed, I hurt so badly and I don't know how to get through this.  My therapist will help "fix" me and try to get me through this anger phase.  But now I feel like my life has been a lie and I allowed it to happen.  I told my therapist WHAT WAS I THINKING getting involved with this person.  She said if we all had out crystal balls and could see our future, there would be no divorce.  How I wish I had that crystal ball 14 years ago.

I'm posting this because I don't know if others feel the same way, could lend advice, have gotten through this feeling.  And just to vent.

thanks

In some ways I can relate.

First let me say that, although I know it is devastating, I think you're finally beginning to find yourself again. It is a painful process and there are a lot of emotions involved and so many "ah-ha" moments you can't imagine where to begin dealing with them. Again, as I always remind myself, there is nothing wrong with anger or any other emotion drummed up by all of the havoc ADD can wreak on our lives. The only 'wrong' thing you can do is to react to it in a negative way. I said to myself, when I lost my father, "I am sick and damned tired of being sick and damned tired!" and I meant it from the core of my soul. I think I've posted before that I wanted my father to pass in peace, knowing he spent my entire adult life worrying about me and my stupid mistakes (first marriage was a disaster! yes, worse than my current one by far!) and the fact that I had a special needs son. I have no idea if he heard me, he was unconcious, but I gave him that last little bit of peace and promised him that my days of being miserable and making stupid decisions that only fixed things 'short term' were over. I meant it. I was pissed. I was angry that I'd given this man 6 years of my life (13 total) to neglect me, take advantage of me, belittle and humiliate me all in the name of 'protecting' his very troubled daughter from me. I was so angry and bitter and resentful that I hated myself as much as he hated me..probably more. How we ever remained 'friends' through it all is simply a miracle. God had plans for us, that is the only thing I can figure.

Anyway...I always felt like I was living a lie too. I just knew my life was going to explode any minute and this whole other life I never knew about was going to be exposed. He went from being a homebody when we met (he was 24, I was 28) to party animal in just a few short years (years 1-6 were up and down but NOTHING like years 6-12+) I silently kicked myself and beat myself up emotionally all the time, all the while still hoping and praying for a miracle.

Today, as we rebuild our marriage together..him giving 100% just as I am giving 100%..he is not the same man I married either...but that's OK. The man he is, I love him just the same.

I hate to say it, I don't know your husband, but if things don't work out between you two, I really hope he does not ever consider getting involved in another relationship. I don't know how much of the "false" life he presented to you is his ADHD and how much of it might be other things in addition to the ADHD...but either way, it is unfair and wrong and something he needs to be held accountable for. Even if he denies all of it, he may still think twice in the future before painting himself as one thing and being another.

I have no compassion for anyone who knows they have a disorder and won't get help and won't accept the ramifications of their disorder on others. I do think the ADD is a hurdle when it comes to getting someone to see that it is devastating to relationships if left untreated, but I refuse to think that my husband (or any other human being with a compassionate bone in their body) would be incapable of seeing the pain they cause because of it. I mean we cannot take away all accountability just because of ADD....as a matter of fact, there should be a LOT more for both partners. I hate to see that your husband just won't see the writing on the wall, doesn't seem to care that he's about to lose everything. I keep hoping for a miracle for you.

Keep looking forward..keep your head up...and do NOT give your dreams. It is never too late. I wish you all the best! Thanks for the update. I hope it helps to vent. (((HUGS)))

 

 

You have so totally expressed

You have so totally expressed what I feel... duped, mislead, deceived.

The man I dated and agreed to marry is also, not the man I am married too!

I too am angry at myself and have been living isolated from friends and family, not wanting them to know that ' Mr Hung the Moon' really didn't , not sure they would get it anyhow, he has such a stellar image and I am so outwardly anger, that really defeats my purpose.

I too am crushed, hurting and uncertain where to go from here, I don't like him but love what is good about him,  don't like me very much and I detest our lives.

This is all new to both of us and he refuses to get help, so what to do? 

Thanks for sharing, I will watch to see if anyone has something to offer you in the way of hope.

Blessings.

Hi, Just wanted to let you

Hi,

Just wanted to let you know I feel exactly the same. And I've also just come to realise that when I feel angry I feel angry with myself for letting this happen. The worst bit for me is that a lot of people warned me to stay away from him, that he was hard work etc but I just ignored it all and ploughed in regardless. My family have never really liked him - he has done some dreadful things on top of all the general butting in and what appears to be rudeness (my mum will come over, he will open the door to her and she will say hello and he will just walk away without saying a word, he says he is just distracted WTF??) We have 2 small children together, I feel so guilty for the situation they are in. I could go on all night...bottom line is im frustrated, angry and hurt and its all by my own doing.

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone.