My husband and I have been married for 6 and 1/2 years. It has been rocky at times, and I also have anxiety issues which I have been successfully treating with cognitive behavioral therapy. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and admits to having it, but I don't think he is really wrapping his head around how his ADHD affects me.
He has a short fuse and will get angry and say very hurtful things. He is inattentive, works very late as he has trouble getting things done, does not get very emotionally involved in things. I have spoken with him about all of these things, and we did couples counseling. Our therapist, however, didn't know much about ADHD and my husband barely talked and it ended up being all about the problems that I was supposedly causing and nothing about his ADHD.
Recently, I have been taking better care of myself, meditating, exercising, etc. Two weeks ago he had another angry outburst where he said very hurtful things. I had just talked with him about this in the 3 weeks before the latest outburst. I told him 2 weeks ago that he needed to seek treatment with an expert on ADHD, and that I wanted to be involved so we could work on it together. He then dragged his feet for a week and a half, supposedly calling the expert but never making an appointment, so last Sunday I told him he needed to find another place to stay until he decided to seek treatment. He wouldn't leave the house for 3 days, then said he would seek treatment, then said he didn't know if he would and last Wednesday he left. He has been staying with various co-workers since. Most of his coworkers are about 10 years younger than he is (he's 36) and very into going out, drinking, "partying."
In the past he has wanted to join them more than I have been comfortable with. Right now it seems like instead of being contemplative and figuring out how to work on our relationship he is having a great time being the center of attention with his "friends" from work. Yesterday we had agreed over email that we would talk on the phone in the evening and I called him but he never called back. I know from being friends with his coworkers on Facebook that he was at his boss's house helping her husband fix a washing machine, and it makes me angry that he has time to help his boss but not to consider our relationship. (I am no longer friends with his coworkers on Facebook because that stuff just upsets me.)
It is like he is having a mid-life crisis and the man I love has gone AWOL. He seems completely oblivious to the fact that if he doesn't begin to show some interest in working on our marriage that we may not have a marriage anymore. He doesn't seem to realize that living it up at his co-workers' houses is not the appropriate action to take at this time. On September 19 he will be back in the condo he owned before we were married that we have been using as a rental. I am wondering if no longer being surrounded by his "friends" he will be able to better see what is at stake here.
I have tried to make it clear to him that I am willing to continue working on the issues I bring to the table, that I want to support him and that together I think we can make things better, but this doesn't seem to matter. He has a hard time admitting he has a problem and I am fed up. If he does call I want to ignore him and give him the cold shoulder, but, because of his social obliviousness, I think he will not realize that not calling me back when so much is at stake is the reason for my not wanting to talk to him.
I do love him very much, and I do think that if he decides to take responsibility we can work through this, but I am wondering if he is capable of taking responsibility, and it is seeming less likely with each passing day. All I want is for him to be willing to work on things. Thank you for listening to my vent, and if anyone has any insights I would appreciate your thoughts.