After 10 years together, we're just discovering my husband has ADHD (undiagnosed as an adult, but he's had it since he was a kid). We have 3 children.
You all know the basics of living with an ADHD spouse. The promises with no follow through, the lies, the lack of empathy, the forgetfulness, the underachievment, the difficulty in taking care of responsibilities, the messy house, the issues handling anger.
I am finding myself at the end of my rope, emotionally, and going into almost like a self-preservation mode. The pain is so much every single time he repeats actions that he KNOWS causes me unbearable emotions, that I feel desperate for relief. I need security, trust and emotional nourishment from my partner. I get zero of this from him, though our relationship started much differently (when he was hyperfocused on me). He doesn't know how to understand my pain, loneliness and despair. He only knows how to care about himself. I know he loves me, and (unfortunately) I still love him, but I am slowly dying on the inside the longer I stay with him.
I am having difficulty taking that final step towards divorce, though I did feel ready a few months ago before he brought me back with more promises. I know he hasn't had counseling, or gotten a diagnosis yet, and I'd like him to, but he hasn't taken the initiative to figure this stuff out on his own (for the last 10 years, I've been the one to research marital issues, set up appointments, to do basically anything that required responsibility). I told him a few months ago that I agreed to keep trying if he; A) stopped lying (can't tell if he has, he's SO good at it); B) Make small promises everyday and follow through on them so I could rebuild some trust (he followed through on about 5% of his promises); and C) research ADHD, the effects on marriage, and find help. He has not done this either.
We have a huge deadline in our work looming (we work together at home.... a disaster with an ADHD partner) and last night I had to count on him to complete important tasks before bed.I had set up a spreadsheet with all the information so he could refer to it. He looked me in the eyes with all sincerity and told me I could count on him. He would not mess it up. He WOULD get it done. Like a hopeful little girl I believed him.
Well, of course he let me down MAJORLY. Had his usual slew of excuses and pity party comments set up to try and make it impossible to blame him. The hurt at being let down AGAIN was unbelievable. The highest amount of emotional pain I've ever felt in our marriage (as I feel this type of pain is accumulative). On top of that, he was so busy acting the victim he didn't care about the pain he KNOWS he is causing me. He doesn't care what broken promise #1509384 has done to me. He doesn't care that I was ready to call a lawyer for a divorce a few months ago, but put myself in further pain's way to give him another chance. If he does care, he sure doesn't show it. What he shows is he cares about himself.
I'm the idiot who keeps staying, and I wish I could just kill whatever love I have left for him so I could really leave. I find myself dreaming of a life of peace, with the possibility of someone who cherishes me, and appreciates that I am there with him. I am angry that I am even thinking it. I am a very loyal, dedicated wife. All I want is to be married to my husband forever. To be cherished and to cherish him back. But no, I am left abandoned and alone with my hurt. Forced to put on a smile for the kids even though I am dying inside.
I am sure my husbad will muster up something that sounds hopeful to say to me, and I really hope I can muster up the strength to say "no thanks" and start the process of numbing myself for divorce.
Sorry for the vent. I just don't know what to do, or how to feel. I have no family or friends to talk to . I am truly alone.