After 10 years together, we're just discovering my husband has ADHD (undiagnosed as an adult, but he's had it since he was a kid). We have 3 children.
You all know the basics of living with an ADHD spouse. The promises with no follow through, the lies, the lack of empathy, the forgetfulness, the underachievment, the difficulty in taking care of responsibilities, the messy house, the issues handling anger.
I am finding myself at the end of my rope, emotionally, and going into almost like a self-preservation mode. The pain is so much every single time he repeats actions that he KNOWS causes me unbearable emotions, that I feel desperate for relief. I need security, trust and emotional nourishment from my partner. I get zero of this from him, though our relationship started much differently (when he was hyperfocused on me). He doesn't know how to understand my pain, loneliness and despair. He only knows how to care about himself. I know he loves me, and (unfortunately) I still love him, but I am slowly dying on the inside the longer I stay with him.
I am having difficulty taking that final step towards divorce, though I did feel ready a few months ago before he brought me back with more promises. I know he hasn't had counseling, or gotten a diagnosis yet, and I'd like him to, but he hasn't taken the initiative to figure this stuff out on his own (for the last 10 years, I've been the one to research marital issues, set up appointments, to do basically anything that required responsibility). I told him a few months ago that I agreed to keep trying if he; A) stopped lying (can't tell if he has, he's SO good at it); B) Make small promises everyday and follow through on them so I could rebuild some trust (he followed through on about 5% of his promises); and C) research ADHD, the effects on marriage, and find help. He has not done this either.
We have a huge deadline in our work looming (we work together at home.... a disaster with an ADHD partner) and last night I had to count on him to complete important tasks before bed.I had set up a spreadsheet with all the information so he could refer to it. He looked me in the eyes with all sincerity and told me I could count on him. He would not mess it up. He WOULD get it done. Like a hopeful little girl I believed him.
Well, of course he let me down MAJORLY. Had his usual slew of excuses and pity party comments set up to try and make it impossible to blame him. The hurt at being let down AGAIN was unbelievable. The highest amount of emotional pain I've ever felt in our marriage (as I feel this type of pain is accumulative). On top of that, he was so busy acting the victim he didn't care about the pain he KNOWS he is causing me. He doesn't care what broken promise #1509384 has done to me. He doesn't care that I was ready to call a lawyer for a divorce a few months ago, but put myself in further pain's way to give him another chance. If he does care, he sure doesn't show it. What he shows is he cares about himself.
I'm the idiot who keeps staying, and I wish I could just kill whatever love I have left for him so I could really leave. I find myself dreaming of a life of peace, with the possibility of someone who cherishes me, and appreciates that I am there with him. I am angry that I am even thinking it. I am a very loyal, dedicated wife. All I want is to be married to my husband forever. To be cherished and to cherish him back. But no, I am left abandoned and alone with my hurt. Forced to put on a smile for the kids even though I am dying inside.
I am sure my husbad will muster up something that sounds hopeful to say to me, and I really hope I can muster up the strength to say "no thanks" and start the process of numbing myself for divorce.
Sorry for the vent. I just don't know what to do, or how to feel. I have no family or friends to talk to . I am truly alone.
Some things I've learned along the way
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Hello Lost Wife,
I fully can understand how you do not know what to do. I also understand your feeling isolated and all alone. I isolated myself, but not after I believe I wore out all the listening ears I had available to me! Truly, I have discovered, if someone does not live with a spouse who has un-acknowledged and/or un-addressed ADHD, they just have no clue what you are going through.
I can surely relate to 90% of what you have posted.
I will address two things that have resonated with me the strongest when I read your post:
1. You are surely not an idiot. Mr. Webster defines that word as:
a stupid person, fool, ass, halfwit, dunce, dolt, ignoramus, cretin, moron, imbecile,simpleton. I bet you are at the end of your rope, frustrated, lost, and burnt out. Those do not make you an idiot. I had to work hard, and still work hard, on removing any negative word I used to describe myself.
2. "He looked me in the eyes with all sincerity and told me I could count on him. He would not mess it up. He WOULD get it done." I bet, with all I know, that he TRULY meant that. Therefore I believe you both were setting yourself up for defeat. As a way to explain what I mean, it would be like me deciding I would no longer fear deep water, and even though I cannot swim, I would be DETERMINED I could do it, and jump into the deep end of the pool. Disaster would surely follow.
After intensely working my butt off for the past 5 years in trying to understand my marriage, there are some real truths I have discovered. ADHD may cause my spouse to misplace his phone, wallet and keys. ADHD may cause my spouse to have time blindness. ADHD may cause my spouse to have difficulty in setting priorities. ADHD may cause my spouse to hyper-focus.
I would NOT say "Well, my marriage is over because my spouse lost his keys again." "Well, my marriage is over because my spouse was late for dinner again." "Well, my marriage is over because my spouse is trying his best to "help" me get our family ready for church - by vacuuming the living room." Sure, it gets to be old when we have to find objects that could be set down in a chosen landing spot, or once again we can't eat dinner as a family because Daddy is not home from work, or how really great it is to have my spouse help with the housework - - - when what I needed AT THE TIME was for him to change the baby's diaper or dress the 3 year old, or help get their coats on. . . . . . . so Mommy can get dressed."
For me right now, it is about feeling sure in myself, feeling secure in my own feelings, and making decisions for myself based on what it working for Liz. I do not blame my spouse for how I feel, nor do I accept blame for how he feels.
(The relationship part? Well, that is another cup of tea. There has to be Liz, there has to be my spouse, AND there has to be us.)
I hope you find some support and understanding here. Only you will be able to determine if and when it is time to divorce.
I do not know what time it is for me. What I am sure of - for Liz - I do not want to be changing one set of problems for another.
Liz
We have a huge deadline in our work looming (we work together at
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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We have a huge deadline in our work looming (we work together at home.... a disaster with an ADHD partner) and last night I had to count on him to complete important tasks before bed.I had set up a spreadsheet with all the information so he could refer to it. He looked me in the eyes with all sincerity and told me I could count on him. He would not mess it up. He WOULD get it done. Like a hopeful little girl I believed him.
Well, of course he let me down MAJORLY. Had his usual slew of excuses and pity party comments set up to try and make it impossible to blame him
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Well, his usual slew of excuses may let him think that it's impossible to blame him, but surely you know better. You can see thru the lame excuses.
I am curious. Did you not check on his progress periodically? Frankly, if I couldn't depend on my spouse to meet an important work deadline, I would be VISUALLY checking periodically (not just taking his word) to see that adequate progress was being made.
Now that my H is retired, he does help me with my business and there are drop-dead deadlines....no wiggle room....at all. H has some serious OCD issue which can distract him to the point that a 10 minute task can become a 2 hour task IF I LET HIM. I "kind of" let him know the deadline (I allow a little pad that he doesn't know about.....I mean that he knows that we have a little pad, but he thinks the pad is less than what it really is. I have to have a pad in case of some major hiccup.). I let him know that each stage of the job must be done by X time so that we meet the final deadline. He knows that if he doesn't meet the deadline of an earlier stage, he will get "pushed out," which he doesn't want.
Good Morning...Lost Wife
Submitted by c ur self on
(He only knows how to care about himself. I know he loves me, and (unfortunately) I still love him, but I am slowly dying on the inside the longer I stay with him.)
This statement of yours is how many of us feel, it is our daily reality. Most of us who live with a person who's mind so overwhelms them to the point that life is always a struggle for them, the spouse will experience these same feelings of loneliness and abandonment. The hard part for me has been accepting it so I can move on. Not move on with a divorce, but, move on in not wanting her to be different. In other words; finding peace in life as a married person, who for the most part is alone.
Add/adhd minds aren't rebellious as they seem to us, there just isn't another option for them, they must push away because what we suggest as a normal way of thinking is impossible for them in many aspects.
I'm making strides in acceptance vs expectations...It will always be a daily chore of self-awareness for myself. But, "when I disengage from my thinking of how I feel it should be for us" and just accept this is the only way she can exist in life; this is our reality... Then those feelings of loneliness and abandonment aren't so intense because like you said...We Love them, and know it's who they are.
I hope you have a great day!
C