My face is still wet from the epic breakdown I just experienced. I was talking to my husband after dinner - telling him about my dad (in his 70s) and his many health problems, the most significant of which is undertreated depression. I typically hold things in and communicate very little that is important/meaningful with my husband because I know his limitations. My dad has gone through a lot over the past year my husband knows little about. However, I shared a few of his health struggles for the first time tonight along with my feelings of helplessness and sadness about it.
He said he was sorry and surprised to hear about my dad, etc. A minute later though, he was puttering around the kitchen saying he would "have to get out of the house tonight or else he would turn into someone's dad - ba dum bump." (like the drum beat at the end of a stand up joke) That's verbatim - referring to my dad's depression. I know he wasn't speaking with his thinking brain. He does this all the time about meaningless things. But tonight, this "thoughtless out loud talk" was about an issue so near and dear to me that I broke down crying and just couldn't stop. I expressed to him through tears that I shared something I'd been holding in for months... something that has been hard on me... and the fact that he made light of it hurt me deeply. He apologized profusely. I know he means it. He can't even remember what he said. He loves my dad. What he doesn't realize is that my tears right then were not about my dad... they were more about the painful confirmation that no... I can't share anything serious with him and expect a meaningful, supportive response. I truly have no partner to talk to when I need one.
And even though I've known that for years, it just really hurt tonight. I shouldn't have opened up like I did. I don't even know why I did because I know he doesn't have the capacity to truly hear me or support me.
I am not even mad at him. I am just incredibly sad for myself. Though a (very) few people in my life know he has ADHD, absolutely no one understands what that means for me in terms of the relationship. There is no one for me to talk to... except you lovely people in this forum. Typing this message out even as haphazardly as I have has made me feel better because I know that most of you will get it. And there is comfort in that until I can make a change for myself.