Feeling disrespected

My partner and I have been together for 4 years.  We recently bought a house together.   He told me when we met that he was depressed...but I've seen him joyous so many times!  And I knew he was a slob and a procrastinator-- I thought typically male.  He was the first non-outgoing type I'd ever been with; he was quiet and shy and did sometimes disagree with a topic (which meant that was it, no conversation or give and take, no stimulating intellectual jousts).  I found the latter odd along with a couple of other things:  he asked me not to make him dinner or give him presents because those things "hurt" him and he "didn't deserve" them.  He refused to celebrate holidays (important to me because I didn't get to as a kid) especially Valentine's Day.  One year he did it:  he ordered dinner and wrote me a song---and then at the end of the night asked if he'd ever have to do that again (ruining the couple of hours of joy he'd just given me).   He seemed to lack an ability to empathize--sometimes was incredibly sympathetic, but sometimes he seemed to be incapable of it (eg: broke my ankle playing roller derby, he was one of the refs, came over not to check on me or take me to the hospital but to tell me to move over because I was too close to the track).  But then he was sweet and nice and smart and wonderful too, and I weighed these things and decided I could live with 'quirky' for this man I loved.  I should tell you he did tell me he had severe adhd as a child, but I didn't know what that meant or that it still affected him.   Then we moved, our dogs (basically our kids) got old and sick and the shit hit the fan.   I discovered that this brilliant computer programmer literally could not help get the house, move into it, or help with the household in any way.  He had no idea how to take out the trash, and would get mad If I tried to show him.  He would say he was going to take a dog to the doctor and simply forget, no matter how many signs, texts, notes, calendars I tried.  I had to hire and supervise every contractor, and then he would come over and tell me I picked the wrong tile.   I thought I had gotten into bed with this smart, capable but quirky nerd but he was actually lacking all common sense.  He never asks about me, and if I talk it is "unnecessary venting" that he is willing to put up with if he must.if I do say something (eg: "man, it's hot today") no matter what I've said I've actually said a passive agressive thing about him (I actually meant "it's so hot why did you wait till this point to work on the garden"). I am incredibly straight forward and emotional--if I'm mad about something he will know immediately--so this word twisting is so absurd.  But it hurts me to think of all the assumptions he could make, he assumes th worst of me every time.    I wonder if he thought these things the whole time we've been together but only now is sharing them.  He's agreed to take meds "on weekends" and to try to find a coach--our attempts at couples therapy didn't work because each therapist was trying to understand our issues as normal husband wife issues and we didn't fix the box they kept putting us in. He does not believe he is twisting my words though and no matter what insists that I spend all day attacking him.  I love him and really am willing to work if it is salvageable, but I worry:  will I always feel like his mother?   Will he never be able to help around the house?  Will he always project his feelings of self loathing onto me?   Will we always have to do only hobbies he enjoys?  Will we never be able to have deep intellectual conversations?  Will he always be this selfish?    There have been days sprinkled here and there where he basically treated me like a princess--it's almost like there are 2 different people in there.  I guess what I want to know is, if we work on this as hard as we can, what might change and what never will?  I need to make a decision here and I just want to have all the cold hard thruths laid out for me. This is one of the most important decisions that I've ever made and I just want some idea of what I'm getting into and I feel totally adrift at sea with no moorings in sight.