I feel empty. I've invested and invested in him, I've invested and invested in trying to make our relationship better. I've invested time, love, money, and energy. He hasn't.
Our latest conflict is the same old familiar pattern. He does something that hurts me. I remind him how much it hurt me last time and ask why in the world he would do that again when he knows how much it hurts me. He is silent. I get angrier and angrier. Finally I break into tears and say when will I learn to stop hoping that he will remember. When will I learn that expecting him to behave differently only leads to me feeling disappointed. I am very sad. I don't see any way forward for me. I think he would be content to stay together this way for a long time. I guess I would too if I were him. I make all the plans. I make all the decisions. He has no responsibilities other than his job, paying the rent and the car payment and taking the trash out. I don't expect anything else of him. I pay every other bill. I anticipate needs and expenses and I take care of them ($$ for school trips, school supplies, new shoes, birthday presents, birthday celebrations, family vacations, Halloween costumes, Christmas. I do everything for Christmas. All the gift selection and purchases for our children, parents, siblings, and extended family. All the cards. All the baking. All the cooking. All the decorating.) I plan everything. I do the meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, and clean up. I do the laundry. I clean the apartment. I arrange all of the child care. I schedule all of the children's appointments and activities. I make sure everyone gets to where they need to be. Whenever there is a change in the schedule, I remind him over and over again. Otherwise he forgets and the children end up stranded somewhere. I have tried and tried over and over again to assign small tasks to him. He doesn't do them and I have learned that I feel resentful when he still hasn't done them after multiple reminders.It's less stressful if I do it myself. When I feel like his mother, it kills my interest in sex. So I'd rather do it myself than nag him. I get the mail bc he forgets every time and the mailbox gets overstuffed and I don't get important info on time. Like bills. Changes to our healthcare. I call maintenance when the ceiling leaks, the microwave stops working or the tub isn't draining. I schedule the car maintenance and take the cars in when they need oil changes or a tire is losing pressure. I do our taxes. It would take him at least 3 months to get it even halfway done and there would be multiple errors. The last time he did the taxes there were so many mistakes and problems we ended up owing the state and the IRS over $8,000. I cashed out my retirement because we did not have thousands of dollars lying around and we had to to pay the bills to avoid paying mega mega high interest. He feels extremely anxious about making phone calls so he won't call to schedule anything. He also finds it impossible to work out all of the details involved whenever there is a wrinkle such as one of our cars is in the shop and how will we get the girls to school on time or to choir practice or youth group. He won't ask anyone to give the girls a ride. He hates to ask for favors and he hates talking on the phone. So I do it. He hates conflict and avoids it at all cost. He hates discussing anything that is likely to bring up strong emotions. When my mother in law died he wanted to wait to tell the children until we were in the car on the way to the funeral. I said Absolutely Not. He complains often about how stressful life is with his "messed up brain." But he won't use the system developed for him by his coach. It was effective when he used it consistently. He said it's too time consuming. I think it would actually save him tons of time. Without it he can't remember anything and he can't find anything. I used to work full time as a mental health and disability rights avocate and prior to that I worked with disabled babies and their families and before that I was a special ed teacher. I've helped many many adult and child clients and before that babies and children with autism, CP, Down syndrome, ADHD, auditory processing problems, dyslexia, dyscalculia, language processing problems, written expression, reading and comprehension problems. Adults and children with visual impairments, hearing impairments, cognitively impaired, explosive behavior, defiant behavior, mental health diagnoses. Children in foster care. Children with one or both parents in jail. Children whose relatives stole everything from them so they could buy drugs. Adults in long term psychiatric facilities. Forensic patients. Adults under the guardianship of APS. Children in long term residential treatment. I had a client with Prader Willi syndrome. I am skilled. I am experienced. I am patient. I am very, very persistent. I am worn out by my husband's limitations. He leaves food out to spoil on the counter. He leaves the front door unlocked. All night. he leaves the freezer door cracked. The food defrost and spoils. He leaves the refrigerator door cracked. I have to toss everything. He leaves every cabinet door open in the kitchen and the bathroom. If he ruins something or breaks something he doesn't replace it. He left his lava lamp on my desk. It leaked. I asked him to sand it down and refinish it. He didn't. He broke a huge picture frame. I asked him to buy another one. He didn't. He scratched up my favorite CD by leaving it in his car out of the case. He broke the blender, the toaster, the food processor, the toaster oven. Our salad plates kept cracking and I asked him to please stop putting them in the microwave. He didn't and they all cracked and now we have no salad plates. He broke my vintage dishware and my favorite mugs. Didn't replace anything. I asked him to stop doing laundry bc he forgets to put the soap in and then he leaves the wet clothes in the washer for days and they grow mildew. It's easier to do all of the laundry myself than to rewash every load that he puts in. Years ago our daughter needed to see a specialist for a skin issue. I asked him to take care of it. I didn't think it was a huge task. I was working 3 jobs. I left home at 5:30 am and didn't get home til 8 pm. He was home all day. The girls were in school from 7:45 to 2:30. I felt sure he had enough time to do it and I also thought that he could overcome his resistance to making phone calls and take care of this one thing. After 4 months he still hadn't gotten her an appointment. He can't remember shit. I can't forget anything. Not a good match. He makes me laugh and he's an amazing lover. He is my younger daughter's father and she adores him. He adores her. It breaks my heart. I can't do this anymore.