I just found this website a few days ago and have been reading through all the posts and it's scary how well they describe my life. My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years and until recently I really had no understanding of ADHD. We were both in our 40's when we met and he told me about his disorder, but he also said it had improved as he had gotten older and he no longer needed meds (which had caused some side affects, thus he stopped taking them before we met). I really didn't think much of it and proceeded with the relationship as if there were no problems to deal with (naive I know). He was employed when we met but left his job to come live near me (we lived in different states when we met). He found work quickly when he moved here but was never able to stick with anything, always blaming it on somebody or something else. He has had about 30 jobs in 7 years and only one has he had longer than 6 months. So it has fallen on me to be the provider since I can't rely on him but I'm self employed and don't make enough money to support us both comfortably. He has started numerous businesses that have failed, or that he didn't follow through on, all with the use of my money. He went through my savings and my home equity line of credit and then ran up my credit cards to the point of causing me to file chapter 7 about a year ago. I blame myself for letting him have use of my money but I kept believing him because he's such a good talker and manipulator. I've never known a man who didn't provide for his family so I guess I just didn't accept that he wouldn't step up to the plate. And what really angers me is when he is in between jobs he doesn't help around the house so basically I'm doing everything and I'm exhausted.
Man/child is a description I saw used in numerous posts and it describes him very well. He's happy and playful and always wanting to be with me and have sex and I don't even want him to touch me anymore. I've turned into a raving "B", angry and frustrated, so he blames me for our marital problems and our constant fighting. I've run out of patience, I feel like his servant and I'm very resentful. I have no happiness in my life anymore. I've given up on my dreams because I have nobody to help me achieve them and it's hard to get ahead in life when I can barely afford to support us both. And what really gets me is my husband has so many dreams and I think he really believes he will achieve them. He doesn't understand why I won't dream with him and make plans for our future.
After reading through these posts I feel even more depressed because this has suddenly become very real to me...this is my life and unless I get out of the marriage I will probably live month to month struggling to make ends meet, all while doing all the upkeep at home, with no hope of retirement. This sure isn't the life I had planned! A friend recently asked me what does your husband bring to your marriage? My answer was "Not much. He does love me and is always here for me to listen and support me. But that's about it. I don't know if he will ever be able to ever offer more than basic companionship."
I think he would be willing to go to counseling but I can't afford it. I think he would be willing to get back on meds, but would it really help? I feel like I've given up without really trying all the options but I'm at my wits end and not sure I have it in me to try. Yet marriage is important to me and I take my vows seriously so walking away isn't easy either.