This is my first post and it feels great that other people out there feel the same as I do. I'm not crazy after all. But it's exactly how I feel.
I am the non ADHD spouse with a partner I have been with for 7 years. He has been diagnosed and I am completely exhausted to the point that I feel life has been sucked out of me through a long straw sloooowly. Although the diagnosis has been somewhat of a breath of fresh air, I am frustrated and unhappy. The constant surges of multiple emotional outbursts feel like tidal waves chipping away at a wall over time. His words are sweet, enough to sweep you off your feet but quickly replaced by poison. I can't keep up and no one understands. I can't tell you how many times I have been told by others that the way he behaves is my fault and I'm just crazy. I have heard these words so much that I actually believed it. Especially when it is drilled into me by my partner everyday. It feels like a constant daily struggle just to deal with life and I'm not coping.
Despite what he thinks, he's in denial about his diagnosis and continues to stay the same. This has been part of my frustration. I feel like I am doing all the work (which I have been) and he just sits back. His normal excuse is that he doesn't know what to do. If I do everything I can to help him he won't do what he needs to do and makes all the excuses in the world about why he cant. And if I trust him to do it on his own it goes undone and it's all my fault because I didn't do it. He will use manipulation tactics and act as if hes the victim. He will pout and cause havoc through our family (we have two kids) until he gets his way. If that doesn't work he will talk about it to others (leaving out the truth) to get them on his side and use their words against me. It's his confirmation that hes right. Its not a war over who is right or wrong but to him it is. He will do and say things to hurt me and although I understand that the ADHD symptoms cause him to be impulsive, it doesn't make it hurt any less. We are in constant debt that I try to claw our way out of and then we have another debt. He has a video game addiction that causes problems not only in our relationship, but our family. His excuse is that its a part of who he is as a person and he won't be happy without it. Not only that but he thinks its okay because it's better than being on drugs or an alcoholic if he wasn't gaming. His friends and family tell him that its okay for him to do that so he thinks it's okay. What's not okay is when our children are upset because hes not spending time with them, not giving them attention and just ignoring them. It's heartbreaking to watch. If hes not playing his games, hes constantly thinking about them, researching different ways of overcoming obstacles and waiting for a chance to play. He thinks that because hes not physically playing the game that it's not doing any damage.
Talking to him is a nightmare because something i say will make him fly off the handle. I find myself not speaking to him at all in fear of being yelled at and called a b**** for making him angry.
His family are constantly telling him that nothing is wrong with him and its all my fault. They hate me now because i pushed and fought for him to get a diagnosis.
I'm absolutely sure that there is so much missing that I haven't mentioned but for now this is all I can do.
I am at the stage where I don't know if I love this man anymore. I feel ashamed to say that but It's how I feel. I have read the book by Melissa Orlov and multiple others. I have done the research and still feel completely hopeless. I'm feeling like leaving him is the best decision for me and our kids.