Feeling hopeless

Sigh. I don't even know how to put this all into words. I've been with my partner for 6.5 years and love him dearly. But. It's gotten so hard....and I'm so lonely. He has severe ADD, as well as defiance disorder and oppositional conversational style. I am a learning resource teacher so I'm well versed in strategies and tactics to use, the problem is, nothing is working, AT ALL. We always end up back at square one.

It's making me angry, bitter, resentful, and absolutely terrified that this will go on forever. We can never have a normal conversation about my life or interests, I can tell he's trying, but his canned answers and robotic tone tell me he is thinking about something else and could care less. The only time we have an authentic, back and forth conversation is when we are fighting.

He blames me for everything. If he forgets something, it's my fault I didn't remind him (defiance). Every idea I have is wrong in his eyes (opposition). Everything I say he opposes. He has probably agreed with me or said "good idea" without a prompt probably 10 times in 6.5 years. If I ask him to use different (non-hurtful) words it turns into a fight (defiance). His expectations of me are impossible to reach, yet he and others are excused from everything.

I've self-isolated, as it's the only thing I feel can shield me from the hurt (my former best friend was extremely ADHD as well, we had a major falling out as having 2 people closest to me with severe ADD was incredibly hard).  I want to retreat into isolation even further, but I could never do that to my parents (by retreat I mean I want to move waaaaaaaaaaay into the woods, completely secluded from everyone and everything).

I don't know what to do. I've read the books, I've taken university courses, I apply strategies, and here I am 6.5 years later with absolutely zero self-esteem.  I hate socializing with him because I see him giving other females the attention I'm soooo desperate for. I'm practically begging for it. My tank is empty. Every time I pull myself out of depression (hard work) something happens between us to sail me right back into it. So now I'm hyper sensitive, to the point where I just cry. TBH sometimes I wish he would cheat on me so I could hate him and leave. Sigh. 

Any and all comments are welcome ❤️