Feeling hopeless, stressed and angry

I'm new to posting here, although I was lucky to find this site almost a year ago. I guess I'm finally getting the courage to share my feelings and experience. I see I'm not alone in this. My husband has what I believe to be undiagnosed ADHD. He exhibits all of the symptoms and so many posts that I have read look like something that I would have posted myself, almost verbatim. I've been married for 6 years now and we have a beautiful little girl who is now 4.  We dated for 8 years before getting married and everything was perfect. We never argued. Shortly after we had a child, something changed. It's like he detached himself. I gave up my career about three years ago to be a SAHM because I had very little support from hubby around the home and with caring for our daughter, especially when she would get sick (daycare). I worked over an hour away and long days. He is a very loving father and husband, but he just doesn't seem to get it. He doesn't know his "role" (it always seems like he's acting, not really understanding). I have to spell everything out for him and when he still doesn't get it, I'm sending him mixed signals.  It is impossible to approach him with anything that's not praise of him and he never takes any responsibility for his actions. He is always on the defensive. I have tried several approaches to try to get him to see a therapist or something to make sense of things, but he gets so angry upon mention of it. This is the person who used to joke about "for sure i would have been diagnosed with ADHD as a child, if they knew about it back then". I've  given him books to read (Orlov's and Hallowell's...to mention a few) and they wind up either going missing or buried somewhere in the trunk of his car. He is in total denial and is one of those individuals who feels that he is overly gifted and is just happy-go-lucky with life.  He thinks that he knows everything without researching it or reading about it, just because others know about it. When you try to explain things to him, he talks over you and challenges everything. I discovered our daughter has a nut allergy and he has yet to read the books I've purchased or look it up online. He doesn't even read labels before giving her unknown foods and understanding how to correctly use an epipen....forget about it. He thinks because I know he knows. He once administered an inhaling solution (for asthma) to be used with a nebulizer machine ORALLY to our daughter when she was 7 months old because he didn't bother to read the prescription leaflet or just look at the pharmacy label! All of this after I told him do not even bother to fill the prescription because I knew he would not read the instructions thoroughly. I spoke with both, the doctor and the pharmacist (I panicked) and they both said they asked him if he knew how to administer the meds, he replied " yes...my wife knows". I had no idea what a nebulizer was, nor did we have one! Somehow in his mind, this was my fault because "he was under the impression that the medicine was like another one she had in the past". Thank goodness nothing happened, it was just considered a concentrated dose. But I guess that's what I get for expecting him to follow instructions (take her to the Dr. and then go straight home to meet up with my mom....do not fill the Rx). How can I depend on him to co-parent when I am the only one looking out for our child's safety. I'm the only one trying to educate myself on how to better raise a child and he just wings it and hopes it all turns out okay. I am always angry and frustrated. I try to be happy, but there's always something that triggers my frustration with him to the point where I am now losing sleep and almost hostile, at times, which I don't like because that impacts the entire family. I hate to yell at my daughter, because I'm angry with him.  I do all of the work around the house and maintain any business affairs, he just goes to work and comes home. He's convinced himself that the company he works for will crumble and fall, if it wasn't for him. No one else seems to see the dysfunction that I am all too familiar with. He's become "addicted" to work. He works Mon - Sat and will work all day, only to get off and hop in a car to drive hours to a job site to work overnight. He never takes time off, not during the summer, or if he is sick, if I'm sick, to give me a break, nothing. But, he'll come in in the evening and want to take a 4 year old out for ice cream at 8pm!?  Then he complains that she should go to bed earlier. Everything is my fault. We went on our first family vacation this past spring and it would have been a nightmare if I didn't have the foresight to invite my mom along for help and start packing a month in advance. He basically works up until the night before, packs his stuff the day of and we're off. He has nothing else to do to prepare, but then in the morning he's grabbing bags and loading the car, in a hurry, without making sure that its okay to do so. I'm trying to take a shower,feed my daughter breakfast, make sure we have everything and lock up the house, while he stands outside looking at what the neighbors are doing.  His left hand is an IPad and his right is a laptop. The TV and video games are always going. When he is home, he creates this weird energy that creates anxiety and is now affecting our daughter. I'm beginning to wonder if she too may possibly have something going on, but it seems like she feeds off of his energy, for the most part. The two of them together on the weekend is a recipe for disaster. When he's not around or out of town, it's so peaceful. I wish I could just go away or send him away for a while, just to be able to think clearly. At this point, he is just a paycheck. He doesn't appear to care, won't go to the doctor, hasn't seen a dentist in over a decade (yuck), constantly forgets or loses things, half does or messes up things,etc. But goodness forbid if I say "hey you forgot to close the freezer or the garage door", he then resents my existence and the fact that I called him out is cause for argument. There's no support (emotional or otherwise),no intimacy, no communication, no apologies or acceptance of fault and no help with our child or around the house. He's clueless to how his actions have affected us and is quick to tell me that I like to be miserable. He's found it easier to blame my anger and frustration on everything from baby blues, post-partum depression, cabin fever to bipolar disorder, but won't accept his role in any of it. I don't want to just walk away and break up our home, but I don't know what else to do. I can't force him to go get help and me going for help is not going to fix his issues.  I feel like I need therapy after dealing with him, if i don't get some form of help things will just continue to get worse, which frightens me, being that I am the one primarily responsible for our daughter. Thank you for letting me get this off of my heart. I believe that the guilt and shame that I have held in all this time has become toxic and is turning me into someone that I don't want to be. It's been eating away at me to the point where I have almost lost myself completely and have lost so much  of the valuable time that I should be cherishing with my little one. It's time for a change. 

The similarities are shocking

I could have written every single word of your post myself, right down to the not going to the dentist thing.  Which since bad teeth run in my husband's family means he hardly has any left.  And it disgusts me too.  I have been keeping my mouth shut to keep the peace and trying to be better, kinder, quieter, more agreeable, etc.  This does not work, it only makes it worse, and in the process I completely lost myself too.  And no matter how upbeat and happy I act, he will still tell me I'm a miserable person and I'm negative.  He reflects all of his traits onto me.  It is always easier to blame someone else than to admit maybe it's him, right? 

The weird tension or energy you mentioned feeling when your husband is home resonated with me too.  It is especially bad when my husband spends a significant amount of time at home because I can feel him become on edge and wanting to go out and escape.  Mine also works a lot and becomes obsessed with work and is convinced no one else can do the job right except him so he has to be there.  I think it's partly because he always has to be doing something and can't stand just hanging out at home.

We have an almost 2 year old and a 3 year old and with each birth, things got significantly worse.  I think it has a lot to do with the fact that he could go out and do his thing without me caring so much before we had kids.  Now he is "chained" to us, to the house and can't just do whatever he wants anymore.

The scary thing is, my husband is medicated on the highest dose of Concerta and we still have many of these problems.  We are teetering on the brink of divorce and he is now agreeing to start counseling again.  We will see if he follows through.  He went once before, but kept not showing up for appointments so the shrink dropped him.

You are going to have to be strong and put your foot down with him going to see a doctor.  I know you don't want to break up your family and I struggle with that as well, but nothing will change if he doesn't seek help.  And something I am just now realizing - no one should have to put up with this or live this way.  Life is too short.

I am so sorry you are going through this.  I hope it helps to at least know you're not alone.

Wow, I knew there was a

Wow, I knew there was a reason why I was drawn to this site/forum. It's wonderful to see that I'm not alone and to be given the courage and strength to allow my feelings to be real and move forward. All of this support, from others who are going through or have gone through the same experiences and still having enough to still give to someone else, as inspiration. 

You have two little ones! My heart goes out to you, but you seem like you're strong and have a sense of humor.

I'm glad that, at least, your husband has taken the first steps to get help and he's agreed to try the medication. Eventually, the doctors will find the right medication and/or dose that will work better for him. I understand that there's nothing that will "cure" this disorder, but anything that will lighten the burden of always thinking for them, will surely help. Best of luck this time around, hopefully, he follows through this time.

If I even thought about not going to the dentist, my teeth would start aching. I guess he has "good"teeth because he has all of them, and doesn't seam to have any toothaches or pain, but obviously there's something "not right" going on in there. What's even funnier is that the last time he went, we were just friends (not dating) and we had the the awkward conversation of how his breath was a bit offensive. He went ASAP and didn't have any issues for a few years. About 6 years ago, I started pressuring him to go again and it's always "I will go, I'll make an appointment", but it has yet to happen. I just stopped asking, until it gets to that point again, I guess. Then I'll have to say something.

My husband is happy "running errands" and communicating with me on the cell phone. He will rush to leave out and then call me from the car to ask "where am I going, what do you need again?" A simple trip to the store turns into an adventure, with a laundry list of stories from the outing. If every time I went out  there was an event, I would be afraid to leave the house. Why is it that when I go to the store, nothing happens, but grocery shopping? All weekend he's in and out, going somewhere for something, which is a disruption, but at the same time is a relief. I guess his going out is the lesser of two evils. When he does stay home, he can't sit down, he twiddles. When he's bored with that, then out comes the electronics and gadgets. If I ask him to straighten up the garage, that somehow turns into a major project that somehow involves power tools and several trips to the hardware store. Nothing is simple, quick or ever completed. 

You're right, life doesn't wait. I plan on putting my foot down to him and letting him know once and for all, this is no longer working for me as it stands.  I'm going to work on me and he has no choice but to work on his end. I cannot and will not do this alone and expect things to change. I don't mind helping him find a doctor, but he has to show an interest, as well. The problem is now trying to find the right type of doctor, therapist, etc. I've heard that child psychiatrists have a better understanding of ADHD and also work with adults. Maybe I'll start there. 

Thank you so much for the support and encouragement. All the best to you and your family.

 

Callyp, I feel as if I could

Callyp, I feel as if I could have written every word of what you have said.

The hyperactivity, jumping to prove he knows it all, leaping before looking mentality.... Our child has a severe peanut and tree nut allergy and I had to train dh to stop leaving peanuts all over the kitchen floor... It is like he never has any forethought to others. At home he will sit in front of the tv, have the ipad In one hand, and the iPhone playing a podcast, all three running simultaneously at high volumes. Even in the car, we never have quiet conversations because the car radio is cranking nonstop.

My autistic child also plays several things at once for the cacophony, maybe it is their way to drown out their own racing minds...their sensory levels are very distorted.

It's amazing how similar the

It's amazing how similar the behaviors are, but there are those like my husband who are in complete and total denial. After I found out about the nut allergy, we still had peanut items around the house, but soon discovered that it was too much of a risk. My husband would leave canned nuts and nut shells all over the place, so I just got rid of all nut products and banned them from the home. He and my dd came home from the store a few weeks back with a carrot cake covered in walnuts. His defense was "she saw it in the store and wanted to buy it for mommy". She claimed that she didn't want any because it had nuts on it, but what would have happened if I wasn't home? I'm trying to teach her to be aware, as much as she can. 

My child does like to have multiple items going at the same time, as well, and it seems like everything she does involves something dropping or banging, but mostly when he is home. 

Thanks for the response.

take care of yourself

Callyp, could you at least start therapy for yourself? It can make a big difference. Once you begin talking about everything and getting some strategies for dealing with it (or not dealing with it), you can feel less powerless, depressed, and exhausted and more in control of what you can control. I am sorry-I went a long time living the way you are right now, and the guilt and shame kept me from talking about it for years. I have always thought my SO and my issues really hit the fan when our children were born--could you get your DH into counseling?

Good for you for recognizing that you want something different. Best of luck to you. 

I will definitely get some

I will definitely get some therapy for me. I think that I have put my feelings and needs on hold for the sake of the little one, but now that she will be going into Kindergarten next fall, I can now start to take better care of myself. I have known for a while that things are falling apart and don't want to wake up one day and be totally in a bad situation that I can't get out of. I have to start preparing myself for whatever the outcome will be. 

I have mentioned counseling to him and although he hates for me to bring it up, he has stated that he would be willing to try it. Unfortunately, I will have to be the one who makes all of the arrangements and just give him a time and place to show up. Hopefully, he is being truthful about going. Only time will tell.

Thanks you for the good luck wishes, I'm definitely going to need it. 

Take care.

similar lives...everything

similar lives...everything you wrote i live with also..my children are now teens, and i am now regretting that I did not divorce my H 10 years ago when i first starting thinking about it. My son has nut allergies, asthma and other food allergies in addition to nuts..i can't even count how many times he tried to give my son something that could have killed him. Luckily he now knows what he can and cannot eat even if his father can't seem to remember..as far as administering meds..forget it, on more than one occasion he either gave him the wrong med or the wrong dose.  I am horribly miserable I seriously want out of this marriage and am very angry that I have spent 18 years in this situation always hoping it will some day get better. now I know it never will.  I think its time for this to end, I don't like the person I am becoming, I am a shell of my former self,  and when I mention the things that frustrate me, I get nothing but sarcasm. I should just be able to bear it all, every single responsibility and burden and be happy about it.  Good Luck.