Hi, all. I've been to this website and forum on and off for the past year. As I write this post, I have such a deep well of pain in the center of my heart that I feel it is going to swallow me whole. I have been married to my ADHD husband for six years (this month is our anniversary), and only put together that he had adult ADHD about a year ago. He was previously divorced but it seemed that the reason of his previous divorce were not related to ADHD but to a difference in life goals and compatibility. I remember before I married him, I had some fears, but don't we all? Anyway, in the beginning things were great. But once we moved in together and I got to see how he handled his daily life, I slowly started to engage in that dreaded parent-child dynamic. I hated it, because it made me lose respect for him but at the same time, I felt that I had to take it on because he obviously could/would not. It seemed that he never seemed to recall conversations/emotional and tense arguments that we'd had. I remember he also seemed to lack sex drive and this hurt me deeply b/c I felt unwanted and undesired. I remember feeling so much pain and rejection when I tried to discuss it with him and he would try to avoid the issue. I just had this overall sense that he was not LISTENING to things I was telling him b/c they never seemed to get through. And the anger! All of the sudden he would get irritated and angry, and then feel horrible for yelling at me or acting like a jerk. Our apartment would get messy, and after coming home from teaching first and second graders, it was ME who would end up cleaning. I kept thinking our communication is horrible and we need to work on it. He would apologize and agree, and try to smooth things over with make-up sex, but our issues still remain. Now six years in with two kids and one on the way, I find myself drifting further and further away and it seems everything he does gets on my nerves. I have no desire to be sexually intimate with him, and all I keep thinking about is how unhappy I have been.
We talked about him having adult ADHD, and he agreed he does. I even sent him to this website and downloaded the e-book. I just wanted him to realize how difficult it has been and how patient I have been. All I wanted from him was acknowledgement and for him to start making changes. However, it seems he is looking for a pill to help him, instead of making behavioral/lifestyle changes. He gets upset and says things like, "When I suggest something, you don't give it any credence. But if someone else suggests something, you think it's a good idea." Or, "How come I can't just decide to do something without others telling me what to do." It's like he wants all of my trust and to give him responsibility, but he forgets, or screws something up, and he wonders why I don't trust him or feel the need to constantly look over his should to prevent/clean up his messes?
I'm pregnant and at a point where I feel helpless and almost hopeless. I don't want a divorce... I just want him to try to make positive steps to change. I don't want to be the only one researching solutions for coping with his ADHD, or the devastating effect on our marriage. I feel so alone and although he says he gets it, he can't possibly know. I tell him how I want his attention and for him to show me that he interested in ME, but he can't seem to remember to do that. I guess this is just venting, but I am so frustrated, sad, tired and at loss of what to do next. Any suggestions?