Feeling like I am falling out of love with my ADHD husband

Hi, all. I've been to this website and forum on and off for the past year.  As I write this post, I have such a deep well of pain in the center of my heart that I feel it is going to swallow me whole. I have been married to my ADHD husband for six years (this month is our anniversary), and only put together that he had adult ADHD about a year ago. He was previously divorced but it seemed that the reason of his previous divorce were not related to ADHD but to a difference in life goals and compatibility. I remember before I married him, I had some fears, but don't we all? Anyway, in the beginning things were great. But once we moved in together and I got to see how he handled his daily life, I slowly started to engage in that dreaded parent-child dynamic. I hated it, because it made me lose respect for him but at the same time, I felt that I had to take it on because he obviously could/would not. It seemed that he never seemed to recall conversations/emotional and tense arguments that we'd had. I remember he also seemed to lack sex drive and this hurt me deeply b/c I felt unwanted and undesired. I remember feeling so much pain and rejection when I tried to discuss it with him and he would try to avoid the issue. I just had this overall sense that he was not LISTENING to things I was telling him b/c they never seemed to get through. And the anger! All of the sudden he would get irritated and angry, and then feel  horrible for yelling at me or acting like a jerk. Our apartment would get messy, and after coming home from teaching first and second graders, it was ME who would end up cleaning. I kept thinking our communication is horrible and we need to work on it. He would apologize and agree, and try to smooth things over with make-up sex, but our issues still remain. Now six years in with two kids and one on the way, I find myself drifting further and further away and it seems everything he does gets on my nerves. I have no desire to be sexually intimate with him, and all I keep thinking about is how unhappy I have been.

We talked about him having adult ADHD, and he agreed he does. I even sent him to this website and downloaded the e-book. I just wanted him to realize how difficult it has been and how patient I have been. All I wanted from him was acknowledgement and for him to start making changes. However, it seems he is looking for a pill to help him, instead of making behavioral/lifestyle changes. He gets upset and says things like, "When I suggest something, you don't give it any credence. But if someone else suggests something, you think it's a good idea." Or, "How come I can't just decide to do something without others telling me what to do." It's like he wants all of my trust and to give him responsibility, but he forgets, or screws something up, and he wonders why I don't trust him or feel the need to constantly look over his should to prevent/clean up his messes? 

I'm pregnant and at a point where I feel helpless and almost hopeless. I don't want a divorce... I just want him to try to make positive steps to change. I don't want to be the only one researching solutions for coping with his ADHD, or the devastating effect on our marriage. I feel so alone and although he says he gets it, he can't possibly know. I tell him how I want his attention and for him to show me that he interested in ME, but he can't seem to remember to do that. I guess this is just venting, but I am so frustrated, sad, tired and at loss of what to do next. Any suggestions?

Been there

Ok, I don't have the 2+ kids but everything else tracked. On the positive side he realizes he has an issue. Next step is owning the breadth of the symptoms and recognizing the positives. Try to remember what you liked about the guy. Then see if you can get from the library, or maybe the net has it, two PBS specials for both of you to watch: ADD and Loving It, and ADD and Mastering it. I've only seen the 2nd one but it had useful strategies and was entertaining. My dh also liked it. We are going to a one day workshop on relationships with ADHD because dh didn't think he would do a six week course justice right now. I'm hoping it will give him a broader idea of the impact to our relationship. I also periodically remind dh that its when I see him trying to make pos changes that I feel best about us, and that I feel discouraged when I see counter productive behavior. Improving. Still dark days, but there's usually hope. Best wishes.

been there ... done that

where you are at right now is exactly where I was at when I was pregnant with our third daughter. She is now 2 years old and I can tell you since he now sleeps on the couch that we have not made any progress. I have had the same conversations with him every couple weeks for the last 8 years. He takes medication most of the time but sometimes goes off it because he forgot to fill a script on time. I've been through lies, porn addiction, excessive masturbation even without the porn to where he can't perform. I also fulfill all responsibilities. I expect no more of him than you might expect from a very immature 14 year old. Our relationship has become totally codependent.

The problem I have had is figuring out what responsibilities I can leave to him that when he screws it up won't have some dire impact on the kids and I. It's gotten so unbalanced that we had a very bad incident that resulted in a new sleeping arrangement where he is on the couch. He's been there for two weeks and although he makes like he's all broken up about it and wants to do anything he can to get us back together, he has not taken one step to do that. He saw me reading Melisa's book and I told him he can't have my copy because he destroys books but he is welcome to go buy a copy. That was two weeks ago. Still no book. We could go to marriage therapy but it would have to be done 100% on my initiative and if there were any "homework" you can rest assured that he would not do it. It would be like everything else. I put in all the effort and he rides along for the benefits.

So now I'm determined to stop that. I'm determined to take care of myself and stop taking care of him. He can stay on the couch until he figures out on his own or with his therapist why he is there. If he asks me a question I'll answer it but I'm not going to chase him around trying to make him understand. I don't think he wants to put effort into anything. He is a path of least resistance kind of guy. The funny thing is he is a "high contributor" at his federal job. Yet if I gave him a performance review, he'd be fired.

Right now for the sake of our children I'm trying to figure out how to disconnect from him as much as I can and still live in the same house. I've had to except that he is never going to change. At least not unless and until he decides to. I can't help him. If I make any attempt to help him it does the exact opposite. He simply stops doing anything for himself... and I do mean anything. He'll go without eating if I don't put food on the plate and hand it to him. He is literally that apathetic.

So to the point of disconnecting I've told him, as long as you can contribute at least on the level of a room mate and not make the living situation more destructive for the children than you can stay here. If you clean up dishes, then I'll include you in the people I cook for at dinner time. Other than that he is on his own. He can shop for himself, dress himself, do his own laundry, shower or not etc. I'm going to respond to whatever he does based on what he's creating for the house our children are living in. We can be room mates and if that works fine... if not then we have to separate. What I'm not going to do is be in a relationship with someone who has one foot in the marriage for the benefits he gets and one foot out for any effort at taking responsibility.