I've posted about the problems my husband's ADD has caused me. Regular readers are probably sick of me....
What do you do when it won't end? How do you find the strength to live an unlivable life? My husband comes home, we eat dinner, he goes to bed. Maybe he spends some time on the computer playing games. We never talk about anything important. Every time I look at him, I see the guy I feel in love with, but that guy no longer exists. I'm never going to have the income or the quality of life I had when I was single. I have to deal with the problems his ADD causes by myself, he's asleep. All his energy goes to the clients at his job.
I got a bad personal blow in the last couple of days. A medical procedure I need has a $4500 co-pay. I was turned down for assistance with it, and we owe so much money for his ADD treatment and bills from the 3 years he chose not to work that we'll never have it. (Folks that live outside the US won't understand this.) I probably won't be able to get the kind of job I've been studying for without this. He lost the job that would have paid all of it because of his ADD. I can't even cry about it with him, he's asleep. How can I not be angry as I watch my life crumble around my ears?
He has the low-energy inattentive type. He as only working part-time when we were dating. He had so much energy, he was so so much fun, he was so supportive. But working full-time, there isn't anything left for me. No help in the household, no companionship. I am more lonely than when I lived alone ( but in a more expensive and smaller house). There isn't any way I can get my alimony, my loom, or my old house back.
I don't know how to fix this. I suggested counseling, once again, and he is willing, but I'm not sure any kind of counseling can make someone not be sleepy at 9 pm. I just am out of coping mechanisms for this. Like someone else posted, I don't want to be a two-time loser, but it seems like a situation where I just can't win.
Anyone have any words of advice? I really can't leave, I don't have a permanent job, which was a joint decision so I could finish school. But I don't know how to stay.
There's Hope
Submitted by Hoping4More on
Hi Sueann,
I know from reading your posts you are very frustrated by your husband's seeming lack of concern about you. I know how bad that feels. But there is one sentence in your post that indicates there is still hope: "I suggested counseling once again, and he is willing . . ."
I would suggest you take him at his word. Find a counselor who is familiar with ADHD and how it affects marriage. (Familiarity with ADHD is essential here.) Make an appointment. And hold your husband to it. And hold him to continuing to go, even if at first it seems to not be having any effect. Because there are no quick fixes.
It sounds like it will likely take some time for your husband to get to the point where you feel he understands the impact of his behaviors on *you.* I suggest that should be your first goal. Because until he understands how his behaviors impact *you* (and I would suggest also - that you understand how your behaviors impact *him* - which you might already understand, I'm not sure), there is a very low possibility that anything will change.
But once he really *gets it* there is reason for hope, because once he *get's it* he might be willing to make some changes.
But, if he *gets it* and remains unwilling to change, then I would suggest there really isn't anything more to be done.