This time of year my ADHD DH is in the midst of harvest/hunting and is typically gone for at least a month. I usually can't wait until he's gone so I can clean the house, get things in order around the house, and in general - just relax. This year for some reason has been very different (yet the same) from the previous years. I don't know if it is me or what so I'm looking at you guys for advice.
Before he left this time I voiced my concerns. When he's gone the communication usually ceases completely. We've been in counseling and he's been going to a new therapist/physiologist (only 2 appts before he left) but I feel like there are so many unresolved issues and that "leaving" them for a month isn't going to help.
I'll admit - I'm very resentful of his time gone. We have 2 children and while he says he is gone to make money for the family, he would do it even if he didn't get paid because he enjoys it. In addition, with his compulsive spending, the majority of what he does make - he spends on items that are not beneficial to the family at all.
The first two weeks he was gone he called once to talk to the boys (2 hrs. after their regularly scheduled bedtime). He admitted in his vm that he knew it was late and that they were probably in bed.
He had to work at his regular job one day and posted on there how much he enjoyed farming but that he missed his family. I don't understand how he can post that but he can't pick up the phone to call? When he's farming he is over 2 hrs. away - when he is at work he is less then 30 min. away. I would have been happy to have taken the kids into see him had I known he was at work.
When he left he took our pickup that pulls our trailer. I informed him I needed it back for a vet appt. this past weekend. He kept telling me he'd have it back. Friday (my appt. was Sat.) it still wasn't back so when I questioned him about it his reply was "you can come get it but I'm to busy to bring it to you). I couldn't go get it because I can't get out two boys safely in his pickup to trade so I had to make other arrangements. I could have easily gotten it the day he was at work had I known he was there.
So to shorten things up a bit - I'm beyond frustrated. When I text him - he doesn't reply. When I call him, he doesn't answer. His only response to this is "you know I'm busy". I sent him a message telling him when he doesn't respond/acknowledge my text it feels like he doesn't care. He still won't acknowledge. I have a bb so I can tell when he reads his text which just makes me more frustrated.
Any thoughts?
I'll add - he has asked me several times what more I want from him. In his eyes he has gone to counseling, gone to a shrink, and taken meds for me. What more could I possibly want? Well a lot of things but communication would be nice for starters.
To "feeling ignored"
Submitted by ebb and flow on
This sounds like typical "hyperfocus" or "inattention" to me...
Maybe while he's gone, he really is "too busy".
To a "normal" brain that's not the worst thing in the world, as we are able to be "too busy" and still pick up the phone at the end of the day to call family while away. But, maybe for the ADD brain it is too much remember to pick up the phone... or, maybe by the time he thinks of it at the end of the day (once he's come out of hyperfocus/busy mode), you guys are already sleeping.
Not sure why ADDers can be so distant and not make it better after they hear someone complain about it to them... but I get the same thing with my partner right at home! He doesn't need to be 2 hours away for that, just at his computer!!! :/
It's also quite common for the ADDer to say something like "I'm too busy... you bring the truck!" without fully thinking through how that may or may not work out. That often happens between us, too.
I know it's frustrating... :(
I would be very sad and lonely if my partner left for a month and was inattentive while gone. But at the same time I would also feel relieved and like I could breathe a little because everything would be clean and organized and frustration free! Can't live with them, can't live without them!
Maybe you could ask him to designate a special day/time to talk that works with his busy schedule so that the kids don't feel like he's completely disappeared for the month. Maybe if you acknowledge the fact that you know he's very busy and let him designate the time/day to speak, it will make him feel less guilty about it and at the same time he may follow through. (be prepared for him to not follow through though, as that is the typical ADD pattern...) I find sometimes, giving the ADDer a feeling of control works because it makes them feel better about themselves and the situation thereby allowing them to follow through as it now becomes "their plan" and not just something they were told they "have to do". Remember, a happy ADDer means a happier you. lol
I hope your partner finally see's the impact this behavior has on you and he finds a solution to this issue...
Good luck!
Thanks for the reply. For
Submitted by Lucy Lu on
Thanks for the reply.
For the most part I do try to leave him alone while he is gone (and yes, I usually enjoy it immensely) because I know he is busy and tired at the end of the day. But as his children get older they don't understand why their dad doesn't call. Both of my boys love their father dearly so it breaks my heart to see them feel the same way I do. I understand the ADHD - they don't.