This is my first post after reading this site on and off for years. I feel like I have no one to talk to (except my therapist who has saved my sanity and is a godsend!) that understands what a rollercoaster being married to ADHD spouse is except you all and so here goes... I have been married for 17 years and have two teenagers. My son was diagnosed with ADHD 2 years ago which led my husband into finally seeking treatment for his undiagnosed ADHD after much prodding from me. DH takes meds but that is the extent of his treatment. I will admit they help but not nearly enough.
Our life has been a financial disaster because of him for a while. He was fired from a company that he had worked for for 12 years in 2004 and has had an unsuccessful job, or no job, ever since. Our house has been in foreclosure for almost 5 years, we have no savings, no college funds, and live paycheck to paycheck. I provide 80% of the financial support to the family but he would deny that out of pride and the general state of denial that he lives in. In 2007 I found out that he had a pretty significant gambling problem and he had gambled about $8,000.00 and our son's college savings account away. That was almost the end. I felt like I had been so betrayed and didn't know him anymore. I almost left. Now I wonder if that would have been wise. He promised that he would never gamble again and would have no access to our money. This put managing all of the finances on my plate which was a huge stress as the money never seems to go far enough and I feel like I am the parent in the relationship. That holds true in many areas, not just financially. In any case, that was when my trust really eroded. I have never really felt the same towards him because of how let down I feel about him as a husband and a provider.
Today I found his stash of cigarettes. I get smoking is a tough habit. I smoked myself for 15 years. He went to a healer last year and bartered about $3,000 worth of remodeling work in exchange for her help in quitting. I supported that choice and was proud of him for helping himself. The healer helped in other ways too and I thought this was the start of some real personal growth. I felt encouraged, but cautiously so, as I just don't trust him to be telling me the whole truth anymore after all that has happened. I kind of suspected he may be smoking again so I asked him the other day how that was going. He said he had a few slip ups over the year when he was drinking at his cousin's house, but overall it worked great. So when I found the cigarettes today the lying was what pissed me off. I sent him a text with a picture of the cigarettes and said "you wonder why I don't trust you" and he immediately replied they were old, he's not smoking. The 4 empty packs of cigarettes had a contest ad on them dated a month ago so again, more lies. I have told him before that the lying is what bothers me, if you are smoking so be it, that's your choice. I would sympathize that it's tough to quit. The healer who has become a close friend to him and wants to help him would be happy to work with him again. He seems to resist doing anything that can help him. It took 5 years of showing him articles and books about ADHD for him to acknowledge that he may have it.
I have been seriously thinking about leaving for almost a year now. I have told him so. I have told him that living like this will literally kill me and I refuse to let that happen. I have begged him to go see a therapist. I think he has not only ADHD, but possibly and anxiety disorder and/or depression. He went to a psychiatrist last year who put him on meds that turned him into a zombie so that was a fail. He was never formally diagnosed but has a prescription for Vyvanse from a practitioner who is a friend and agrees he has it. He tried counseling again after pressure from me, with a psychologist this spring (3 visits) but said they had nothing to talk about. I asked him did you mention that your house is in foreclosure, your marriage is on the rocks, you haven't had a steady job in 8 years, you have a gambling problem, drink too much and have ADHD? No, they didn't talk about that. I am so frustrated.
Am I being a fool thinking he will see the light and go get some real help or grow up? He's 43. That seems to be the magic age on this site. I am thinking of telling him tonight that if he doesn't start therapy within the next two months I want a separation. I love him but I am not happy and haven't been for too long. I can't trust him, I don't respect him and I am tired of being the only adult in this marriage.